Family
by stuffnonsense
Summary: Post-Season 5, an alternate reality take on Season 6, but not so crazy-alternate that anyone's unrecognisable. Starts with Dawn and Spike friendship, builds slowly from there. Eventually Spuffy.
1. Chapter 1

Dawn shifted from foot to foot outside the crypt door. She'd skipped her last class of the day, and run almost all the way to Restfield. But now she'd arrived, she was unsure. Her heartbeat thudded in her ears as she struggled to even out her breathing.

She hadn't seen him since the tower. Whenever she mentioned him, somebody cut her off and changed the subject. Eventually, she'd realised that if she ever wanted to see him again she'd have to do it on her own.

Should she just go in? She could almost hear Joyce's voice telling her to knock first. But if he was asleep downstairs, he might not hear it. Except ... vampire hearing. Dawn raised her hand, then stopped, her stomach clenching in sudden panic.

What if he didn't want to see her? It was her fault, after all. What if he hated her so much he couldn't even stand the sight of her? Maybe he'd left Sunnydale. After all, why would he stay? It was Buffy he loved, not her.

None of the Scoobies knew what to say to her. They'd included her in The Talk - when they'd decided to hide Buffy's death to keep Dawn safe from foster care or, worse, Hank. But after that, they just kept asking her if she needed anything and then looked relieved whenever she left the room. No one _really_ talked to her. Or listened.

Why had she been so sure Spike would be different? It had seemed so obvious to her this morning that he would be better than the others. Dawn's stomach clenched tighter, and she could feel her lungs seizing up as the first fat tear started running down her cheek.

"Bit? You gonna come in?"

His voice was muffled by the closed door, so Dawn didn't register that it had no strength in it. All she could think was that he was there and awake and he _couldn't_ hate her if he was calling her Bit. She shoved the door open, blinking as her eyes adjusted to the dark of the crypt. She made a noise, somewhere between a gasp and a whimper, and she ran across the room and threw herself into his opening arms.

"'S'okay. I've got you," he whispered, his arms holding her tight, one hand cupping the back of her head while she pressed her face into his shoulder, the other making small circles on her back. Dawn just let go, the tears exploded out of her body in great racking sobs, lungs heaving, limbs shaking, eyes and nose streaming. Spike just kept making soothing noises, not really saying anything, until Dawn had cried herself into a hiccoughing silence. After a while of sitting in silence, Dawn shifted and Spike loosened his hold so that her swollen eyes were level with his. For the first time since she'd arrived, she really looked at him. She sucked in a breath.

"What happened to you?"

One eye was swollen shut and his uncovered arms and neck were dotted with ugly black bruises. Dried ... something ... was flaking off his skin, and some of the damp bits on his clothes _definitely_ weren't her tears. Dawn hoped it was mud, because it was on her now, too. Where he wasn't bruised, his skin was grey and almost hanging off his bones. He had always been thin, but now he looked like he'd lost half of himself. A ghost of a smile wavered over his lips.

"Nothin' you need to worry about, Platelet. 'M not dust, and they all look much worse'n me."

"When's the last time you ate?"

"Don't 'member." He closed his good eye, and let his head fall back against the chair.

Dawn glared at him, then levered herself out of the chair and walked over to the fridge.

"Ewwww. Everything in here is mouldy. I'm gonna go get you some blood. You need to eat."

Eyes still closed, Spike's lips twitched into an almost-smile.

"There's some cash in my left duster pocket."

Dawn found the duster on the floor by the chair. It was tacky with ... mud, she told herself; definitely mud ... and it had tears in it from a claw or a knife.

"Don't move 'til I get back." Dawn glared again.

"Not sure I could if I wanted to, pet." He coughed then, a wet, I-have-internal-injuries cough.

Clutching the money she'd found, Dawn edged toward the door, eyes still locked with Spike's. "I'll be back soon."

He raised a hand, then let it drop again. "I'll be waitin'."

When Dawn returned with as much blood as she could carry, Spike was still slouched in his chair, eyes closed. Mimicking something she'd seen Buffy do, she opened a bag and poured blood into a (fairly) clean mug and put it into the microwave. When it pinged, Spike's head jerked up. Dawn brought the mug over to him.

"Here. Drink."

Spike took the mug and held it. He'd lied. He knew exactly how long it had been since he'd eaten. It had been before the tower. Before Buffy jumped. He knew he shouldn't have been the one who survived. Didn't deserve it. Every time he even smelled blood, it was Dawn's blood on top of that tower again, and he remembered how he'd broken his promise to keep her safe. His failure nauseated him. He shut his good eye again.

" 'M sorry, pet. I should've fought harder."

"What?" Dawn's eyes widened.

"It's my fault your sis... All my fault. Was supposed to keep you safe. Promised her I'd keep you safe. And now here you are, takin' care of me." A sort of half-laugh, half-sob spilled out of him. His eyes were clenched shut, every muscle in his face taught. His knuckles were white where they held the mug in a death grip.

Now Dawn's lips twitched towards a smile. She knew she'd been right to come to Spike. He _knew_. They were the same. Their grief held that same flavour of sour, gut-wrenching guilt, and the soul-deep regret that they were alive and Buffy was dead.

"It's not your fault." Dawn touched Spike's face. She could feel the words resonating in her bones as she said them. She hoped that one day they'd both be able to believe them. "Now drink! Stupid vampire."

Spike made a stuttering noise that was almost a laugh, put the mug to his lips, and forced himself to drink. The second the blood passed his lips, he could feel the hunger come rushing back. His eye flashed yellow and then he vamped out completely. Dawn took a small step back.

"Don' worry, luv. Jus' been a while since I've had a proper feed. Demon's hungry." Spike forced his face back to human, but his open eye remained yellow.

Dawn nodded, eyes still a bit wide, and turned to put the already-open bag into the microwave. When it pinged, she handed it to Spike and he drained it. The swelling around his eye was going down visibly, revealing a sliver of colour, and his bruises started looking older, more yellow.

"More?"

"Please."

After draining two more bags, Spike looked almost healthy. Both eyes were fully open, and his skin seemed to fit better over his bones, although he was still too thin.

"Ummm, Spike? I think you're leaking." Dawn pointed to a rapidly spreading damp patch along his right side.

Spike looked down. "Bloody hell." He sighed. "There's a first aid box under the sink." As Dawn passed him the kit, he pulled off his shirt, wincing. He was actually leaking from a few places, but the gash running from under his right armpit across to his belly was the worst. As Spike patched himself up, Dawn watched his body knitting itself together. It was weird, like every time she looked away something was a bit more healed, but she never quite saw it happening.

Spike stood up, stronger but still wavering a bit. Turning, he asked, "How's m'back? Any more bleeding?"

"Nothing I can see. But you should probably shower. You're kinda sticky all over. Also, kinda smelly. Sorry." Dawn ducked her head at the last, embarrassed. Spike laughed, and it almost reached his eyes.

"Right. I'll go downstairs and clean m'self off." He looked at her. "Must be about time for you to eat. There's a number for pizza on the fridge. Whatever you want, and some wings for me. Phone's in the duster."

"Okay. Um, thanks?"

"You're my Niblet. Do anything for you." Spike kept full eye contact with her, letting her see the truth of his words. Then he dropped down the hatch into the downstairs, and she could hear him starting the shower.

Dawn felt her cheeks stretch into the first real smile she could remember since her mother died. Even without Joyce or Buffy, she still sorta had family.

As she started looking around the crypt, the smile dropped off her face. Empty whiskey bottles littered the floor. There were multiple trails of ... just yuck ... between the door and Spike's chair. An assortment of filthy weapons and even filthier clothes had been dropped haphazardly around the room. Buffy used to complain that Spike was like an old woman when it came to keeping his weapons clean and sharp. It felt wrong even seeing them like this.

He'd let his precious duster get sliced up and dirty. And then he'd just left it on the floor.

Dawn sank into Spike's chair, suddenly overwhelmed with fear.

When he re-emerged from the lower level, clean, Dawn flung herself at him again.

"What's all this, then?"

Dawn buried her face in Spike's chest, her grip making his ribs ache. "Don't die on me," she whispered. "You can't leave me too."

Spike suddenly felt ashamed. He'd stopped himself from walking into the sunrise, but... Not eating, not healing, fighting every night and then drinking himself into unconsciousness. It was just a slower way to kill himself. He couldn't have fought off a fledge, the state he was in before Dawn came. And he knew he still would've gone out. Not good. He had to start taking care of himself. Dawn might not survive losing someone else, even if it was only him. He couldn't keep her safe if he was dust.

"Not gonna die on you, Dawn. You have my promise. An' you know I always keep m'promises."

She nodded into his chest, tightening her grip.

"C'mon. Let's get some food into you, Pigeon. You ring the pizza place while I was downstairs?"

Dawn mumbled no, still clutching at Spike.

"Let's go out, then." He looked around. "Bit more hygienic, yeah?"

Dawn lifted her head.

"M'kay," she said softly.

"'S still light out. Gonna need to go through the sewers. Think you can handle it?"

Dawn nodded into his chest again.

"Pro'ly oughtta loosen that grip if we're gonna walk."

She shifted around so that she was pressed against his left side. Spike let out a thankful breath she hadn't gone to the right, and draped his arm across her shoulders.

The sewers were a welcome distraction. With the smell, the squelching underfoot, and Dawn's total inability to see, they moved into an easy, light conversation that took them all the way to Sunnydale Mall.

"Food Court alright? Anywhere else is a bit difficult for me to get to in daylight."

Dawn nodded.

Spike prodded her into eating more than she'd thought she could. And now, being in a public place where naked emotion was easier to suppress, Dawn started talking about what had been happening while Spike had been locked into his routine of fighting all night, then drinking enough to be able to pass the day in unconsciousness.

Dawn told him about The Talk, and how Willow was trying to fix the Buffy-bot to make the lie more convincing. That Willow and Tara were now living at Revello Drive, how Xander drove her to school every morning, and how Giles was talking about moving back to England.

Breaking off suddenly, Dawn asked "Why weren't you at the funeral?"

Spike's jaw dropped.

"The what now?"

No one had told him about the funeral. _Oh God._ Dawn's eyes filled with tears.

Spike couldn't believe what he was hearing. He'd thought things had changed, after he took Glory's beating, after he fought alongside them. He thought those last weeks had meant something to them. Apparently not.

Something on his face must have worried Dawn, because she was holding his hands, and whispering that she was sorry.

"Who was there?"

Dawn gave Spike an arch look. "You mean, was Angel there?" Spike ducked his head, embarrassed he'd been so transparent, and ashamed for needing to know. "No, he wasn't. Not that I saw, anyway. Just Willow and Tara and Xander and Anya and Giles and me."

There was a long pause, while Spike tried to mentally talk himself out of his hurt at the Scoobies shutting him out. Again.

"I don't really remember it," Dawn continued.

Spike looked up, "Why not?"

"Um. I couldn't stop crying, after. There were pills."

"They _drugged_ you?!"

"Hey! There was a doctor and stuff. No one knew what else to do. I guess they helped."

Spike hooked her chair with his foot, pulling her close enough for him to wrap an arm around her shoulders.

"Why didn' you come to me?"

"This is the first time I've had the chance. It's like they're afraid I'll disappear if they ever leave me alone."

"God, Bit. Dawn. I'm sorry. I should've been there."

"You should've." Dawn glared, then softened. "But I understand why you weren't. You're here now." Her voice wavered. "Right?"

"Not goin' anywhere. Promise. Dust before I leave you again." He paused. "Are you still…?"

"No more pills. The doctor talked about starting therapy, but…. No _human_ doctor could ever…" Dawn trailed off, gesturing at Spike and herself.

"Glinda might know someone. You should ask her."

_Bloody buggerin' hell. Did I just try to talk someone_into_therapy?_

Dawn stared at him, open-mouthed.

"Did _you_ just tell _me_ to _get therapy_? What weird alternative universe have I walked into?"

Spike shifted uncomfortably, unable to meet Dawn's incredulous stare. "Jus' makin' sure you're not doin' somethin' coz you think you _can't_," he mumbled. Meeting her eyes, he added "an' I reckon it might be a good idea havin' someone to talk to who isn't grievin'."

"I'll think about it."

"Good."

Spike and Dawn stared down at their feet, neither sure how to continue.

"Some Big Bad you are," Dawn chuffed. "All supportive and caring."

"What can I say, Bit? You bring out the worst in me."

They grinned at each other, all awkwardness suddenly gone. Spike's smile slipped off his face.

"Best start making your way home, pet. Be dark soon. Don' want to worry anyone by being out alone."

Dawn didn't really want to leave, but Spike was right. If Willow or Tara got back first, they would freak if she wasn't there. She reluctantly started pulling together her things.

"Can I come back tomorrow?" Dawn tried to sound nonchalant, but she wasn't yet completely sure of herself around this Spike, the one who held her and made her feel less broken. _Spike, who was being weirdly responsible._

"Course, Platelet. Welcome anytime." Spike paused. "Might wanna try finishin' the school day next time, though, yeah?"

He wasn't entirely sure now was the right time to talk about this, but he knew he couldn't set himself up as an escape from the rest of her life. It might help for now, but it wouldn't do her any good long term.

Dawn was shocked he'd even noticed. He'd barely been conscious when she'd arrived. "Why do you care? I thought you'd be all 'skipping is cool'?"

"If you really need a break, yeah. I know there'll be bad days." Spike reached out to stroke Dawn's hair. "But you can't jus' give up on it. Education's important. _You're_ important. Need to keep feeding that brain of yours, like your belly." Spike pulled her into a hug, resting his chin on her head.

"An' if you're not ready to do it for yourself, there are practical reasons. If you lot are serious about hiding what happened, y'can't draw too much attention to yourself. Miss too many classes? They'll wanna talk to someone, yeah? Who're they gonna talk to?"

Dawn's stomach dropped. She hadn't thought about what would happen if they called Buffy in for a meeting. She could feel the tears starting again.

"Hey now, 's alright. Nothin' gone wrong yet. Still safe. 'S gonna be fine, luv. I've got you."

"Why are you being so responsible all of a sudden? This isn't another body swap or something, is it?"

Spike took in a deep breath. _Why am I being so responsible? Not like me…._ Except it _was_, when it came to taking care of the people he loved. He'd never taken chances with Dru's safety. This was just a different kind of caring than he was used to. Not so much with the hunting and fighting, and more of the … parenting?

_Bloody hell. Parenting?!_

"No body swaps. Jus' feels like it's the right thing to do. What you need." Spike kissed the top of her head. "Weird, innit?"

Dawn laughed. "Very. But… good-weird, you know?"

"I know." He stood, holding out his hand. "C'mon, Pidge. Home-time."

Spike pulled Dawn to her feet, put his arm around her shoulders, and they walked comfortably through the mall back towards the tunnels.

Neither noticed the man who had followed them up from the tunnels to the Food Court, and who was following them still.


	2. Chapter 2

Willow sat in the steadily darkening living room, waiting for Dawn to come home. She was trying to decide whether she was mostly angry because of worrying that something had happened to Dawn, or because she'd _missed a class _to be home tonight, and Dawn wasn't there. Then there was the guilt for the anger. But mostly there was the anger. _Why did I think it was such a good idea for us to move in and take care of Dawn anyway?_

* * *

Spike hoisted Dawn up and out of the sewer exit nearest her house. It was just about dark enough for it to be safe for him.

"Do you want to come in?" she asked, peering over the edge.

"Will I be welcome?"

"It's _my_ house."

"So that's a no then."

"You _should_ be welcome."

"Yeah well." Spike snorted. "Since when has _that _been a factor when it comes to me?"

Dawn rolled her eyes. "So I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"'Til tomorrow, Niblet."

Dawn closed the lid, and walked towards the house dragging her feet. She couldn't see any lights, so she was pretty sure she was the first one home. She really hated being in the house by herself. But she also knew that it was unrealistic to expect anyone to be home waiting for her after school every day. She sighed as she put her key in the lock. At least she wouldn't have to worry about feeding herself.

_I miss you, Mom._

* * *

Spike had had an itchy feeling at the back of his neck off and on every time he and Dawn had been in the sewers. Like they were being watched. Unfortunately, it being the sewers, he couldn't smell anything over the stench. And even with vampire eyesight, he could only really see well enough to navigate. His whole body ached and the thought of playing hide and seek was exhausting, so he decided to just go home.

_Best do some bloody tidyin' if Niblet's gonna be back tomorrow._

Spike groaned.

_An' put in a soddin' toilet._

Trying to ignore the prickles, Spike trudged back to Restfield and his crypt, planning the coming battle with his ancient plumbing.

* * *

"Where ya been, Dawnie?"

Dawn jumped a foot in the air at Willow's question. The words were all friendly-like, but like so many things Willow said now, there was an edge. Dawn went on the attack.

"God! Were you _trying _to scare me to death?"

Willow immediately felt guilty. She _hadn't _turned the lights on, after all.

"Sorry. I just … I thought you'd have come straight home from school. I thought maybe I could make breakfast-for-dinner? Pancake-y goodness?" Willow plastered a grin on her face, willing herself to stop being hurt and annoyed that Dawn never seemed to look happy to see her.

"I've already eaten."

Willow's fake smile slipped. "Oh."

"I'm not five, Willow. I _can _feed myself." _Please don't mention the time I nearly burned down the house making a bacon sandwich. _

"Yeah, sure you can." Willow faltered.

Dawn felt a sudden pang of loss. _Maybe no one knows that story except me anymore._

Willow's hopes of sharing kitchen fun, and bonding over pancakes, shattered. _Why can't it be just a little bit easier?_

"I have homework. I'm going to my room."

"I could help, maybe?" Willow sounded just shy of desperate. She wanted so much to connect with Dawn, to find in her some semblance of the best-friend-y-ness she'd shared with Buffy. But it seemed like every time she tried, it all went wrong. Dawn just kept _rejecting _her.

Dawn shrugged. "I think I can handle it. But I'll totally call you if I get stuck on something." Dawn knew she wouldn't call. There was just so much _pressure_ from Willow, every conversation was exhausting. Dawn didn't know what Willow wanted from her, but it always felt like whatever Dawn did was somehow disappointing and wrong. She stomped upstairs, oblivious to how she had just crushed her sister's best friend.

Willow knew that what she _should_ be doing now was making dinner for her and Tara, but she felt raw after her conversation with Dawn. Deciding distraction was in order, she wandered into the dining room where the Buffy-bot lay in pieces.

"Let's see if we can't make you all Humpty-Dumpty-together-again," she chirped.

Tara arrived home two hours later, exhausted from a very long day, and looking forward to food, bath and bed. But while the bot now had both arms attached, there was no dinner.

"Willow? Sweetie?" Tara asked. "Dinner?"

"Huh?" Willow looked up from her work. "Oh, sorry, I kinda got all distracto-girl. Do you want me to make you something?"

Tara sighed, looking at Willow's grease-covered hands, and guessed it would be at least half an hour before she would be safe around food. "No, it's fine. I'll just have some toast or something. Dawn ate, though, right?"

"Oh yeah, before I came home."

"At Janice's?"

"She never said." Willow frowned. "In fact, she got home after me, and I have no idea where she was."

Tara sighed again. Today was the first day Xander hadn't driven Dawn home from school and it wasn't even a week since she'd stopped taking the pills. _Just like being at home with my brothers and sisters again. Goodbye, me time._

"Dawnie?" She called upstairs.

"What?" Dawn shouted back.

"Could you come down here a minute, please?"

Dawn clomped down the stairs. "What?"

"Where were you today after school?"

Dawn froze. She couldn't distract Tara like she could Willow. Tara had a mom voice and she wasn't afraid to use it.

"At the mall." It wasn't a _total_ lie.

"Were you with Janice?"

"Um, no?"

"Who, then?"

Dawn squirmed. _Stupid Tara and her stupid mom voice. _Dawn pushed her chin into her chest, let her hair fall over her eyes, and spurted out "I-was-with-Spike."

_Well_. Tara thought. _That really wasn't the answer I was expecting._

"With _Spike_?!" Willow was nearly shouting. "What's _he _still doing here?"

Tara turned to Willow, making a shushing motion, and then calmly asked Dawn "What did you and Spike do?"

"We talked. Then he took me to dinner at the Food Court."

Willow and Tara just stared at her, at a total loss for words.

"_The Food Court_?" Willow finally gasped. Somehow, the normalcy of the fluorescent mall basement just made it so much _ookier_.

"It doesn't have windows, and it's easy to get to in daylight. There's an underground route from his crypt straight to the mall." Dawn thought the explanation might help make it all sound a bit more normal. Instead, Willow just looked more shocked. _What is it with this family and _Spike_?_

"He took you through the _sewer_?" Willow squeaked.

Tara sniffed the air and started examining Dawn's clothes.

"God, Tara, I've _changed _since then! Ewwww."

Tara shrugged, looking embarrassed. "Sorry."

"After we ate, he brought me home," Dawn paused, "so _you_ wouldn't _worry_." More glaring. "And then I wanted him to come all the way in, but he didn't think he'd be welcome, so he wouldn't come." Dawn crossed her arms. "He was right, wasn't he? He wouldn't be welcome in_ MY house_?" Dawn's voice had risen to one of her patented shrieks and she glared at Willow and Tara.

"No more shrieking, please, Dawnie." Tara murmured. Dawn hardened her glare.

"Why didn't you tell him about the funeral?" Dawn's voice dropped to an almost-whisper at this question. She really, really didn't understand why they hadn't told him.

Tara and Willow looked at each other, and then back at Dawn.

"It never…" Tara started.

"We didn't think…" Willow trailed off.

"You should apologise."

"To _Spike_?" Willow asked.

Tara flinched. She remembered him walking on broken legs to see Buffy.

"Yes, TO SPIKE!" Dawn was shouting again.

Willow frowned. "But it's _Spike_. Annoying, crude, _soulless vampire_ Spike."

Dawn huffed and rolled her eyes. "Did Angel know?"

Willow shrugged. "He ran off to some monastery as soon as he heard…. We didn't know how to contact him."

"But you woulda?" Dawn pressed.

"Well, yeah, of course, he's Buffy's-"

"If you say one true love I'm gonna spew."

Now Willow flinched. Furrowing her brows, she said firmly, "Buffy would have wanted him to be there."

"Buffy would have wanted _Spike _to be there."

Willow stared at her incredulously. "He chained her up and threatened to feed her to Drusilla! Why would she _ever _have wanted him at her funeral?"

"Because he nearly died to protect _me_!" Dawn's face crumpled. "_I_ wanted him there."

Tara pulled Dawn into her arms as she started crying. "Oh Dawnie. We're sorry we couldn't ask you who you wanted to be there."

Willow watched her girlfriend comforting Dawn and stamped down the jealousy. _It should be _me_ with Dawn. Not Tara. Not _Spike_._

"So is he welcome here?" Dawn asked, face still pressed into Tara's chest.

Willow and Tara stared at each other over Dawn's head. Willow was mouthing "No" and shaking her head frantically. Tara was more thoughtful. "She'll go anyway," she mouthed at Willow. Willow stopped her motions, then mouthed "Not the crypt." Tara nodded.

"Dawnie, if we agree that Spike can come to see you here, you have to promise us not to go off with him on your own."

Dawn nodded. "Okay." Dawn pulled away from Tara. "Can I go back upstairs now?" she asked in a small voice. There had been too many emotions today, and she was suddenly exhausted.

"Okay, sweetie. You go to bed. We'll … talk to Spike tomorrow, while you're at school. We'll sort something out."

Dawn stomped back upstairs.

"This is a _terrible_ idea," Willow whispered.

"Maybe." Tara really didn't like arguing with Willow. She could feel her stutter threatening, and her stomach was all clenched up. "B-B-Buffy trusted him with her. Why shouldn't we?"

"Buffy only trusted him with her because of special circumstances! Glory circumstances. Those no longer apply, so no more trustage!"

"If he c-c-comes here, we can check on them. Show up unexpectedly, make sure everything's ok. If we tell her she can't see him, she'll go anyway, you know she will. And then who knows what might happen?"

Willow felt frustrated and sick to her stomach. She could see Tara was getting distressed, and she knew it was because they were arguing. Only just holding herself back from stomping her feet like a two-year-old, Willow capitulated. "Oh Baby, you're probably right." _This is all going out of control. It's going to be really, really bad. _"I just … it's _Spike_. With the biting and the broken bottle in my face and the threats, and…"

"And the being tortured to keep D-D-awn safe. That's w-w-w-w-w-what he is for _her_."

Willow knew in her heart that Tara was right. Dawn had already proven she was quite capable of sneaking off to see Spike. Willow put her arms around Tara and snuggled into her, signalling an end to the argument.

"I wish Buffy were here."

Tara smiled, relaxing. "Me too." She gave Willow a quick kiss. "So who's gonna talk to Spike tomorrow?"

Willow's head shot up.

* * *

Rupert Giles stared into his glass of whiskey. It was time to go.

He wasn't needed. Wanted, maybe. But he was tired. _So tired_. Leaving the Hellmouth, returning to his books and his research, it all seemed so much easier.

Willow and Xander weren't _his_. Not like Buffy was. Anya would make sure the Magic Box flourished, probably better than he ever could.

It terrified him how much he hated Dawn. In his head, he knew it would pass, that it was the grief. But every time he looked at her, all he could think was, _Why didn't she die instead_? And he knew that wasn't healthy for either of them.

His house was all packed up now. He hadn't told anyone what he was planning. He didn't want a fuss. Instead, he'd written letters to Xander and Willow, plus one to Wesley, just asking him to check in periodically.

He knew Anya had noticed his personal collection disappearing from the Magic Box, but he'd been able to distract her so far from asking about it directly. He had a letter for her, too, but it was mostly business. He knew they'd be in semi-regular contact, anyway.

Five years of his life, all in boxes. He'd been so hopeful when he'd first arrived in Sunnydale, all set to save the world. Everything had been so clear: black and white, good and evil, human and monster. He'd been so deluded about what the Slayer would be like. _God save us from American teenagers_.

_And American teenagers save us from gods_. He'd been so deluded about himself.

It was time to go.

He drank the last of his overpriced airport whiskey, picked up his suitcase, and walked towards security. He was certain he would never see Sunnydale again.

Giles never noticed that his taxi driver was sitting three tables away in the bar, or that he followed him to security, and watched him go through.

* * *

The decision of who went to see Spike ended up being very easy: Tara had a break in classes from 11 to 4 and Willow didn't. Both of them were secretly relieved.

Tara had never been to Spike's crypt before. She'd waited until 2.30, hoping that would be late enough in the day for him to be awake. She knew roughly where it was, but was a bit nervous about getting lost. She needn't have been. She could hear him bellowing from the cemetery gates.

"Bloody buggerin' FUCKING EVIL PIPES!"

She could also see what looked like … a burst fire hydrant? shooting straight into the air.

Tara started laughing. She just couldn't help herself. She started walking towards the Yosemite-wanna-be, when it suddenly stopped.

"THA'S RIGHT, YOU FUCKWIT! WHO'S THE BIG BLOODY BAD NOW?"

Tara had to stop and lean against a tombstone. She was laughing so hard now, she could barely breath._ What is he doing?_

When she finally reached the crypt, she could see a hole in the ground surrounded by mud, but no other obvious signs of disturbance.

"Spike?" she called out.

There was a long pause.

_Glinda? What could she possibly be doing … Niblet musta talked._

"It's Tara…."

"Give us a tic, pet. Bit busy just at the mo'." Spike shouted.

"Are you … plumbing?"

She could hear Spike growling at something. Then clanking. Then banging. Then more swearing. Then something that sounded like … a toilet flushing?

"Thank BLOODY CHRIST for that!"

Another longish pause, then the door was flung open. Spike stood just outside of the reach of the sunlight, covered from head to toe in mud. "What're you after, then?"

Tara started laughing again. "I'm so sorry," she gasped out. "It's not funny."

Spike's lips twitched. "Pro'ly is, pet. I imagine I look a right sight."

Tara coughed out "Big Bad", before collapsing into giggles again.

Spike just stared at her for a second, then started chuckling along. He stopped when she started turning purple.

"Oi! Breathe, Glinda."

Tara finally managed to compose herself, but her eyes were still dancing.

"So, I gather Nib told you she was with me yesterday." Spike started.

Tara nodded, then looked up to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry we didn't tell you about the funeral."

Spike took a step back, shocked.

"'S alright. 'Spect you thought I'd left," he mumbled.

"We should have tried."

"Well. Didn't expect to hear that. 'Preciate it." They nodded at each other, warily.

"About Dawn.…"

Spike stiffened. "Is this where you tell me to stay away from her or be staked?" He was looking and sounding very scary, all of a sudden, even with all the mud, and Tara remembered she was dealing with a Master vampire.

"N-no. This is where we try to work out a … a custody arrangement?"

Spike sat down very suddenly against the wall.

"A what now?"

"Dawn needs taking care of. She wants you to be a part of that. I take it … that's something _you _want, too?"

Spike nodded. "I promised Buffy I'd keep her safe. I intend to keep my promise."

"And plumbing is a part of that?" Tara asked teasingly.

Spike looked away, embarrassed. "Crypts don't come with ... facilities."

Tara gasped. _Wow. One visit from Dawn, and he's building a bathroom?_

"Di'n't wan' it to be … difficult … when she's here."

"Oh, Spike." _This is so not what I expected_. Tara decided to take a chance. "Willow and I are almost never home between 3 and 7."

"She hates being home alone."

Tara's mouth dropped open. _How does he know that?_

"W-we thought, maybe, you could … be there for her, when she comes home from school? Until one of us gets home? Maybe … make sure she eats?"

Now Spike's mouth dropped open.

"An' you lot'll trust _me _with that?"

"I can't speak for everyone, but I think it might be what's best for Dawn." As Tara said the words, she realised they were true. She and Willow _couldn't_ be there all the time. Spike could. And, more importantly, _wanted to_. _Willow and I don't. Not really._

Spike let out a breath. "Done."

Tara fumbled in her purse. "I've got a key for you … somewhere."

Spike flinched. "Might already have one o' them…."

Tara looked at him. "Right. Well. Um."

"Sorry?"

Tara couldn't believe Spike could go from swearing at pipes to Master vampire to ashamed little boy in such a short period of time. _Such a strange man, er, vampire._

"Well. I guess I'll see you later tonight?"

"Yeah."

Tara left him, sitting just inside the crypt door, staring into space.

The man watching from the shadows smiled. This … custody arrangement … would make things easier.


	3. Chapter 3

Xander was humming away happily as he waited for his doughnuts to be packaged up_._ _Today is a very good day_. He'd fixed a problem at the site he'd thought would take at least another week. The Dawnster had been almost normal on the way to school. And this morning he and Anya had ... _Maybe not think about that too much_right_now while in such a very public place_.

And now he was buying doughnuts for a Scooby meeting. _First really-real Scooby meeting since The Talk. It'll be so good to start getting back to normal again._

He breezed through the door. Anya was behind the counter, staring at a piece of paper in her hand like it might spontaneously combust.

"I bring doughnuts for your eating pleasure, for I am Xander, the Doughnut King!"

Anya just stared at him.

"What? Do I have something on my face?"

"Giles is gone."

"Wha-huh?"

"Giles is gone. Back to England." Anya paused, letting a radiant smile blossom. "He's leaving me in charge of the store." Her voice dropped to a reverent whisper. "_I'll get half of the profits_."

Xander goggled. "But, why would he leave?"

Anya huffed. "Maybe because he killed Ben to save Buffy, and then she died anyway?"

Anya understood that Xander would be sad about Giles leaving, and that celebrating her happiness about the Magic Box would have to wait. _Hopefully, only until tomorrow_. But _surprise_? Giles had barely spoken since Buffy died, and he'd only come to Sunnydale because of her. Wanting to get away could hardly come as _that_much of a surprise.

Xander was opening and closing his mouth. _But today was such a_good_ day_.

"He left a letter for you, Xander. Maybe that will make it less surprising." Anya pointed at the table, where there were two letters: one for Xander and one for Willow.

Xander sat down and opened his letter. _Sure are a lot of words, even for Giles_. But the meaning was very simple. _Sorry. Too painful. Call me if there's an apocalypse._

_This isn't how it's supposed to be! There should be pluckiness! And stoically helping each other through our grief. Not more_leaving.

_Why did you have to die, Buffy? Why couldn't it have been the Bleached Wonder? Or—_Xander cut himself off before he could think who else could have died. _Bad thoughts. Very, very bad thoughts_.

The bell snapped Xander to attention. Willow and Tara had arrived.

Their stiff postures and overly calm faces said they'd moved past Arguing and were well into Tense Silence, but Xander didn't notice and Anya didn't care.

"Giles is gone," Anya chirped. Still desperately trying not to grin, she added, "And I am now a full partner in the Magic Box." She wriggled a little to stop herself from jumping up and down with glee.

Willow was as shocked as Xander. Tara less so. She'd seen the sickliness of Giles' aura.

"There's a letter." Anya pointed helpfully.

Willow joined Xander at the table, and read her letter. Without speaking, they swapped letters and read again.

"So we get to call Giles if there's an apocalypse. Great." Willow laid her head on her arms. "Why would he leave us?"

"Doesn't the letter explain?" Anya asked, rolling her eyes. _I really thought Willow was a_bit_ more perceptive than Xander._

Tara, who had stayed just inside the doorway, went to Willow's side and started stroking her hair.

"He was really unhappy, Sweetie. I think it hurt just being here."

"Well, yeah! We're all hurting! But it's _Giles_! He's all ... all_ adult_ and _responsible_ … and _he abandoned us_!"

"Unless there's an apocalypse, coz we can totally call him if that happens," Xander added bitterly.

"He wouldn't have left if we brought Buffy back!" As soon as she said it, Willow screwed her eyes shut and put her hands over her mouth. _Oh god oh god oh god oh god. Inside voice, Willow!_

Every head in the room swivelled to stare at Willow.

"Oops? Did I say that out loud?"

Eyes wide, they all nodded.

"Well … I do kinda think we should try to bring her back."

All Anya's joy drained out of her. _Resurrection spells are_never_ a good idea_.

Willow's heart was racing. Ever since the tower, she'd been thinking about magical solutions for an outcome she saw as _wrong_. Now, with Dawn… And _Spike_? And Giles! All she could think of was that everything would be _right_again if she could only bring Buffy back.

"I mean, it's not like she died of natural causes, right?"

Anya opened her mouth to disagree, but looking at the hope shining out of Xander's face, she closed it again. _Not like they'll listen to me, anyway_.

Tara and Xander were nodding.

"And, I mean, she's probably in some hell dimension. Like Angel was."

Anya rolled her eyes. _After growing up on the Hellmouth, you'd think they'd know more about this stuff! The_fall _killed Buffy. And she's a hero! She's probably in some hero retirement dimension. All drinking and fighting and lots and lots of sex._ Anya was distracted for a moment by thoughts of the sex. _So ignorant!_

"So, really, we'd be saving _her_." Willow gave a small smile.

* * *

"Gin."

"You're cheating!"

"Of course I'm bloody cheatin'. Evil vampire here!"

Dawn rolled her eyes.

"Don't you roll your eyes at me, missy. You're cheatin' just as much."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Not!"

"Are!"

"Not!"

"Bloody well are!" Spike glared. "I can smell it when you lie."

"Ewww! That's so gross!"

"An' your heart rate goes up when you're palmin' cards." Spike gave her a solemn look. "Need to keep it nice 'n' even, Bit, or you ruin the cheat."

"I was not-"

"Vampire. Can hear it."

Dawn growled.

"Pro'ly fool a human," Spike continued thoughtfully. "Slight of hand's comin' along right nicely."

Dawn grinned. "So … how do I keep my heart rate even?"

* * *

Willow had them at "saving Buffy". And she knew it.

Sure, there was the requisite angsty circling around the issue that was so important to the Scooby process. Then, Xander and Tara pretended for a while that theythought it was a really bad, dangerous idea. But after being saved so many times, the image of being _her_saviours for once was just too powerful. Besides, fresh from defeating Glory, the threat of an apocalypse seemed less frightening – and it was _June_! Hellmouth summer downtime.

Anya, who really did think it was a bad, dangerous idea, gave up trying to argue once she realised they'd stopped paying attention. The 'it's June' argument was not without merit. _If we do it over the summer, it can't be too awful._

Once Xander and Tara allowed their token protests to be defeated, the rest of the evening was spent on research and pizza. They didn't find the answers, but they were making progress. The atmosphere was hopeful. Spending time together, researching and eating takeout, with the future prospect of performing some as-yet-unknown ritual to bring Buffy back: it was all of the good. Familiar. Safe.

Then, just as they were getting ready to leave, Xander asked, "So where's Dawnie?"

Tension filled the room, and Willow glared at Tara. "She's with her new babysitter."

An image of Spike changing diapers suddenly popped into Tara's head. She stifled a giggle, then sobered. _This is not going to be a fun conversation_. "Well. Spike is going to help us look after Dawn from now on. He'll stay with her after school, make her dinner, and ... teenager-sit? I guess ... if we're out at night."

"_Spike_!?" Xander squawked. "Soulless vampire, tried to kill us FOR YEARS Spike!Stop me when I get to something that would make him a good choice to _look after Dawn_?"

Tara sighed. "Can _you_ be at the house when she comes home from school every day? Didn't they threaten to fire you if you didn't stop taking off early to pick her up?"

"Well, yeah, but..."

"Willow or I would have to go part time or quit school completely to be able to be home with her. That's not something either of us is ready to do." Tara looked at Willow. "You know we're not."

Willow shrugged petulantly. She'd already had this argument, and had grudgingly accepted Spike's new position in their lives. _Don't have to help convince Xander too_.

"We're both gonna need to be full time this summer to make up for what we missed while I was…." Tara trailed off, and the floor of the Magic box became fascinating for a while. "Anyway. Summer is the busiest time of year for you, Xander. It's only going to get harder. We just can't do it on our own. Not without making some big sacrifices. Spike _really wants _to be there for her. And he doesn't have to give up anything to do it."

Anya was dumbfounded. _Not give up anything? A_Master vampire _looking after a_human child_? That's giving up_everything_. This is ... unthinkable_. _And they can't even see it. So ignorant!_

"But what if he hurts her? How can we take that risk?"

Tara considered telling Xander that Spike and Dawn were already spending time together, and that she was safe and unharmed. _At least I hope she is_._Maybe better not risk mentioning that_...

"Xander, Spike was tortured nearly to death to protect Dawn." Anya couldn't hold back her scorn. "Why would you be worried he'd hurt _her_?"

"That was when he was all with the macking on Buffy. Without her to impress, he won't care about Dawn! I mean, hello! Soulless vampire!"

"Well," Willow started. "There was that time with Angelus…."

"THAT DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN!"

"But we all remember it! And that was before the truce, even! There must be a reason we have that memory…." _I can't believe I'm actually defending Spike_. _But he really has always seemed to care about Dawnie…._

Xander huffed. "I still don't see why we should trust him with Dawn. He's dangerous!"

"I'm more worried about what he might do to _us_," Anya grumbled. "I'm not ready to die! Not when I'm about to make so much money."

Tara's stomach gave a little lurch. The whole plumbing earlier today had convinced her that Spike would never hurt Dawn. But she'd never thought about her own safety, or Willow's. _He's got free run of the house_….

"Th-th-there's still the chip," she faltered.

"That didn't stop him from helping Adam! All anyone'd have to do is dangle chip removal in front of his fangy face and he'd betray us in a second." Xander leaned back, arms folded across his chest, confident this was the winning argument.

"Okay, Xander, maybe you're right." Tara said slowly. "But – I'm just trying to be practical here – if Spike doesn't help with Dawn, what do we do instead? Now Giles is gone, it really is just the four of us."

"Dawnie could … she could come to the Magic Box after school and stay with Ahn!"

Anya's jaw dropped. "No! No, Xander! I can't look after Dawn while I'm working! And all her incessant crying will scare away my _paying customers_."

Tara glared at Anya. "She's mostly stopped crying now."

"You've said that before," Anya bit back. "And what do I do if she doesn't show up? Or slips out? I can't just leave the store to chase after her every time she gets hormonal."

Xander felt trapped. Anya wasn't wrong. Trying to keep an eye on Dawn all the time was impossible without more help. Refusing to meet Tara's eyes, he ground out "Can't think of another way."

Willow touched Xander's shoulder. "Hey, just think: once Buffy's back, there'll be no more need for Spike to hang around, right? I mean, _Buffy_will be all with the taking care of Dawnie, and … and probably stake him first thing!"

Xander brightened. "Yeah! Total stakage!"

Tara and Anya shared a look. If it was difficult for four adults to take care of a teenager, how would it possibly be easier with only one adult? Not to mention how Dawn might feel about it.

Pushing her reservations aside, Tara asked, "So are we agreed? Spike's going to take care of Dawn?"

Reluctantly, Xander, Willow and Anya all nodded.

Tara let out a sigh of relief. _I hope this isn't the biggest mistake of my life. But I don't see how else we can do it. You don't build bathrooms for people you don't care about, right? And hurting any of us would just hurt Dawn, wouldn't it?_

_I wonder what they've been doing all night? I really hope the house isn't trashed. Hyperactive vampire plus hormoonal teenager is not a healthy combination for houses._

* * *

Spike was stretched out on the sofa, idly watching television with a beer in his hand, when Tara and Willow came through the front door. His boots were by the door, and his duster was hanging off the newel post.

Willow was taken aback by how … comfortable … he looked. Domestic, even. Like it was _his_ house. _This is too ooky_. One of his socks had a hole in the toe. _Who would have thought Spike has socks?_

"Hey, Spike."

"Red. Glinda."

Tara was mostly relieved the house didn't look like a bomb site. _Can Spike even cook? Probably should have asked about that…._Tara wandered into the kitchen. _Clearly, he can do dishes_. _And – judging by the dishes – he can cook too. Wow._

"Niblet's asleep. Guess I'll be off." Spike swigged the last of his beer, went to the kitchen, and placed it quietly and carefully in the recycling bin. Willow and Tara just watched him.

_Way ooky. Spike recycles?_

"What?"

Willow and Tara put on their best innocent faces. "Nothing," they chorused.

Spike grunted. _Bloody witches_. He shrugged into his duster, and pulled on his boots. Then he reached into the closet and pulled out a sword.

Willow frowned. "Is that Buffy's?" Willow made a mental note to catalogue Buffy's weapons first thing tomorrow.

"No! 'S mine." Faced with disbelieving stares. Spike sighed. "Hers is similar, but shorter. Different pommel design. We have ... had ... the same armourer."

"Why did you bring a sword?" Willow asked.

Spike just looked at her. "Why do you bloody think?" _Stupid bint_.

"Are you _patrolling_?" Willow looked horrified.

Spike glared at her, then mumbled, "Gotta get in m'spot of violence somehow."

And with that, he strode out the door.

Tara and Willow stared at the closed door for a few seconds, then wandered over to sit on the sofa.

"I guess I just thought everything was still keeping away coz of Glory. It hasn't been _that_ long." Willow shrugged, frowning. "And, you know," she waved her hand, "June!"

"I never even thought about it…. What with moving and Dawn and…. Why would he?" Tara could just about understand Dawn. Spike had proved time and again that he really cared about her. But _patrolling_? Fighting other demons? That just made no sense. _He's a vampire! What would make him do that when there's no Buffy? And no apocalypse?_

"This is just too weird. We had to _pay_him to help us!"

"Not since Glory," Tara corrected absently.

"Well, yeah, but…. A vampire taking over for the vampire slayer? It's like, alternate-universe-weird. There hasn't been another vengeance demon, has there?"

"Why would a vengeance demon want a vampire to patrol?"

"True." Willow thought for a moment. "Hey, maybe he just likes fighting, and, and now that he can't, y'know, grr, argh with people, it's all about the _demon_fighting instead?"

"Maybe. That makes more sense than a vengeance demon."

"He and Buffy _were_patrolling together, sometimes, before."

"Yeah…." Tara gasped. "Oh, Willow. What happens when the demons and vampires find out there isn't a Slayer on the Hellmouth anymore?"

Willow thought for a moment. "I hate to say it, but if Spike really is out patrolling every night, I'm not too worried they'll find out. I mean, the Hellmouth always seems to shut down over the summer. Buffy's been gone before, a coupla times, and it went ok. If I can get the bot up and running again, even easier. She – it – can patrol with Spike, to keep up appearances…. And we'll be bringing Buffy back soon anyway. It'll be all good!"

"That actually sounds manageable."

"Yeah. Still kinda weird, though."

"Totally." Tara nodded.

"Can we have bed and cuddles now?"

Tara nodded enthusiastically, and the two women grinned at each other, feeling in control again for the first time all day.

* * *

"_You must protect The Key."_

"_Protect the Key. Right. I know! We'll do it together. Far, far from here."_

"_Many have died…. Many more will, if you don't keep it safe."_

"_How? What is it?"_

"_The Key is energy. It's a portal. It opens the door. For centuries it had no form at all, with my brethren its only keepers. Then the abomination found us. We had to hide The Key. We gave it form, moulded its flesh, made it human. And sent it to you."_

"_Dawn."_

"_She is The Key."_

"_You put that thing in my home."_

"_We knew the Slayer would ... protect."_

"_My memories…. My mom's..."_

"_We built them."_

"_Then unbuild them. This is my life you're –"_

"_You cannot abandon—"_

"_I didn't ask for this. I don't even know what ... what is she?"_

"_Human. Human, now, and helpless. Please, she is an innocent in this, and she needs you."_

"_She's not my sister."_

"_She doesn't know that."_

It was the dream again. Ever since Brother Radan's death, every night was the same. He'd hoped coming to the Hellmouth would make sleeping easier, but it hadn't made any difference. Why would Radan send _him _his last moments? Of all people! _This is not my fight! The Beast is dead. The Key should be safe now, even without the Slayer's protection. Who else could want The Key but the Beast? It's just another human now._

_But Radan did not have time to tell the Slayer much. And Abbot Michal was tricksy. Radan may not have been correct in what he told her. Maybe_that _is my purpose here._

_At the very least, they should know about the father._


	4. Chapter 4

After a good month of nothing but fledges, something _interesting_had finally turned up on patrol. Spike felt its claw go into his back, curving around and behind his shoulder blade, narrowly missing his heart.

He closed his eyes briefly in relief. _Least 'm not wearin' the duster._

The arm attached to the claw started pulling back, but it was stuck, snagged on something inside him. Spike gave a violent lurch to one side, somehow managing to separate the claw from the arm, but leaving it stuck in his back.

He gagged on the stench of demon blood that was suddenly spurting out of the stump. He could feel his nose hairs disintegrating, even after he stopped breathing. His opponent started howling in pain.

"Don' like losin' bits, do ya, mate?"

Spike stopped the other, still-clawed, arm just before it reached his face, and wrenched _that _claw off. The blood burned as it covered him.

Gushing blood and in immense pain, the demon lost interest in fighting. Using the claw he'd just liberated, Spike sliced its neck halfway open, grabbed the vertebrae through the hole, and wrenched its head clean off. It didn't dust. Spike studied it for a moment.

"That enough t'kill you? Or you gonna go all Black Knight on me?"

_Lessee if you're flammable._He got out a cigarette and his lighter, and sat back on a tombstone. He gagged when he tried to inhale.

_Oh god the stench._He glared at the corpse. _Tha's it. Not breathin' again 'til you're ashes, mate._

He tossed his lit cigarette into the pool of blood nearest the neck stump and grinned when it lit up like gasoline.

While he watched the demon burning, Spike reached around to try to pull the claw out of his back. Unfortunately, it really was stuck on something, and he couldn't pull it out from any of the angles he could reach on his own. _Bugger_.

Once the corpse started looking fragile, he threw dirt on the flames to put them out and stomped on the demon until it was dust.

_Bloody good fight, that was_.

Vaguely remembering some wall hooks in the Magic Box training room that he thought might work, Spike started walking. _Should pro'ly confirm what manner o' beastie that was, while'm at it. Not often I see one I don' recognise…._

When Spike arrived at the Magic Box, his skin was still burning from the demon blood, so he had a quick shower. The water was agony on his back, but at least he could breathe again. He'd forgotten _why_he'd stopped breathing a couple of times on the way over, and he was convinced he'd lost cartilage the last time he inhaled.

The hooks were a bit lower than he'd remembered, so he was stuck doing the limbo trying to get one of them around the edge of the claw. Every time he missed, he caught skin at the edges of the wound. _Fuckety fuck FUCK this hurts!_

He was struck, suddenly, with the loss of the Slayer. He could imagine her helping him with this. Laughing with him about it. She fought weird demons every day; she'd understand.

He couldn't imagine even _asking_the Slayerettes. For all that they'd decided to let him into Dawn's life this summer, he knew it was pure selfishness on their parts. With him living at Revello Drive during the week and only going back to his crypt at weekends, the Scoobies could not only go on with their normal lives five days out of seven, but also ignore him completely and still feel smug for being with his Niblet on weekends. Although he couldn't think why he'd ever _want_to spend time with them, the principle of the thing grated.

They had never asked about his patrols. Not once.

His back really hurt, and his attempts to snag a hook were getting clumsier. _Everything_was now slick with blood, which didn't help. It was also almost full daylight and he was exhausted. Ashamed of quite how much he wished someone would come and help him, he slid down onto the floor. _Jus' rest for a minute_._Got time_. He curled into a ball, leaning his shoulder and knees against the wall so nothing was touching his back, and closed his eyes.

Anya found him there, asleep, when she arrived to open.

"Spike! What are you doing to my store?"

His raised his head sleepily. "Got a claw stuck in m'back. Can't reach to pull it out." He waved at the hooks over his head. "Thought I could hook it."

Anya tried very hard not to laugh. "If you stand up, I'll pull it out for you."

Spike looked at her warily, but stood up.

"Brace yourself." Anya smirked at him, and gestured for him to turn around.

She grasped the claw, jiggling it around to get it unstuck, before ripping it out with a wet sucking plop.

Spike sagged against the wall. Holding back the whimpers had been almost as painful as Anya's ministrations.

"You're welcome," Anya said, moving to hand over the claw. Taking her first good look at it, she gasped. "Where did you find this?"

Spike gave her his best 'how stupid are you?' look. "Its former owner decided he di'n' like me much."

"This is from a Krolgarth demon," she said hungrily. "I can sell it for _thousands_. _Where did you find it and can you bring me more_?"

Spike sauntered over to where he'd left the other claw. "Like this one, y'mean?" Anya snatched at it. "Ah-ah-ah! Down, girl. Mine."

Anya pouted. "Why won't you give it to me? I can get so much money for it!"

"Think you mean _we_ can get so much money for it. 'M hardly gonna risk my life fightin' somethin' jus' to give away the proceeds, am I?"

Anya glared at him. "I didn't _have_to tell you it was valuable, you know. And how would you even find a buyer?"

"What say we agree to split the proceeds?"

"Split how?"

"Ten per cent finder's fee?"

Anya's eyes narrowed. "I want fifty."

"You're off your soddin' rocker! I took all the risks!" Spike crossed his arms.

"Forty-five-fifty-five?"

"I might _consider_going as high as twelve."

Anya gasped. "Never!"

"Wha' do I get out of it tha's worth more'n twelve?"

Anya looked thoughtful for a moment. "I have an idea."

"'M listenin'."

"From time to time, I get … speculative … orders. Requests. If you could fulfil some of those orders…. I think we could make serious money."

"Twelve per cent's a more'n fair commission for you as broker."

Anya, scowling, clutched the still-bloody claw to her chest. "I will accept twenty. But I get to keep all the profit from this one. I pulled it out of you; that makes it mine."

"How much work're you gonna get me, Demon Girl?"

"We're the biggest magic supplier on the West Coast and demons think the Hellmouth is catnip." Anya shrugged. "How much work do you want?"

Spike nodded. "Long's you keep that work comin', you've got a deal. Twenty per cent commission, plus one claw."

Anya glowed. "I'll draw up a contract." She reached for the second claw.

"Not 'til we've signed."

Anya pouted. "Don't you trust me?"

Spike laughed. "Why should I? D'you trust me?"

"Well, no, but…."

"Jus' draw up the contract," Spike sighed.

"Well, you – you just clean up the mess you made." Anya stalked back towards the front of the shop.

"Reckon you might wanna drop that bloody claw you're clutchin'," Spike called out after her. "'Fore it scares off all the customers."

Anya squawked, and ran for a mirror.

"This is silk!" She wailed.

Spike snickered. He felt _much _better.

* * *

Dawn's morning went less well. As soon as she woke up, she knew it was going to be one of the bad days. Bad days were … survivable … during the week, when she could go home and Spike was there. He always knew if she needed to talk, or be quiet, or cry, and he could make hot chocolate that tasted just like her mom's.

Weekends were harder. There were _expectations_on weekends.

"Dawnie?" Willow called. "Xander's here! And we made pancakes!"

Dawn groaned, and curled into her duvet. _Don't wanna get up yet_.

"C'mon Dawn-monster!" Xander called. "It's weekend fun-time!"

Dawn dragged herself out of bed. _They can just deal with my pyjamas. Can't face getting up properly yet_. She stomped down the stairs. When she reached the kitchen, Tara was making pancakes and Willow was mock-slapping Xander as he tried to steal from the growing stack.

_They all look so happy. How can they? Why can't_I_?_ Dawn could feel tears coming and a lump forming at the back of her throat.

Willow saw her misery and, looking stricken, called out, "Oh Dawnie, don't cry!"

Dawn's self-pity flipped to rage. "Why shouldn't I cry? Huh?" She built up to an ear-splitting shriek. "How _dare_you try to tell me what I should be feeling!" She turned around and ran back upstairs, slamming her bedroom door behind her.

The kitchen went silent. Willow's face crumpled. "I wasn't trying to tell her what to feel! I just wanted to help."

"We know, Will. She's … some days are worse than others." As Dawn's frequent chauffeur, Xander was familiar with the days when she really couldn't cope. "It's best to just let her be when she's like this."

"She hates me."

"Oh, Sweetie, it's not you," Tara said gently. "She's fourteen and grieving. She hates _everybody_."

Xander swallowed a laugh.

_She doesn't seem to hate you two_, Willow thought resentfully. _Or Spike_. "Maybe we could start inviting Janice to weekend brunches? Dawn might be happier if she had someone her age around."

"Bad idea," Xander said. "Janice," he held his fingers in air-quotes, "thinks dead mothers are catching." He let his arms drop. "They haven't really spoken since Joyce died."

_Why didn't I know that?_ Willow wondered, hurt.

"Plus we'd all have to pretend Buffy's just out somewhere if Janice were here – or anyone else from school. I don't think Dawn wants to spend time with people who don't know right now," Tara added.

"Poor Dawnie." Willow tried, again, to bury the hurt. _I can be all sympathy-girl. I can_.

"I'm gonna go grocery shopping after we're done breakfast," Tara said. "Did Spike add anything to the list before he left last night?"

Willow grabbed a pad from the fridge. "Yup. I'll read it out to you. First is pickles." She made a face. "Ewww. Does anyone but Spike eat those?"

"Dawn does, sometimes."

"The Xan-man has also been known to indulge in a bit of gherkin-y goodness." Xander paused. "That sounded so much less gay in my head."

Willow slapped him, giggling. "Hey!"

_Pickles_, Tara added to her own list. "What else?"

"Cocoa powder, mini marshmallows, Dawn's ice cream –"

"Pecan maple, right Sweetie?"

"Ya-huh."

Xander wondered if he should go check on Dawn. _Out of ice cream_and _hot chocolate? In no way is that of the good._

"Bacon." Willow paused. "Mmmmm bacon."

When Xander looked confused, Tara said solemnly "Spike can do things with bacon that shouldn't be allowed."

"Oh, and that sauce he makes? With the cream?" They groaned.

"He _cooks_?" Xander squawked.

"I hate to admit it, but the first thing we do when we get home now is check the fridge for leftovers." Willow sighed, rubbing her belly.

"I don't even know how to begin to respond to that."

"Is there more after bacon?" Tara asked.

"Yup."

"Spike, soulless vampire, cooks for you."

"Oh, he doesn't cook for _us_," Tara said. "He cooks for _Dawn_. But sometimes, if we're lucky, he makes too much and there are leftovers."

"And they're ... tasty?"

"You have no idea how tasty." Tara motioned to Willow to continue with the list.

"Next is – and I quote – 'that sugary shite Dawn insists is food'. I think he means Froot Loops Marshmallow." She paused. "_More_Weetabix? Jeesh! And that's it."

"You know he puts it in his blood," Xander said.

"Froot Loops?" Willow asked.

"No, doofus, Weetabix. Giles told me."

Willow and Tara made 'ewww' faces at each other.

"That explains why he gets through so much of it. We figured eating a healthy, rich-in-fibre breakfast cereal was just one of the many ways in which Spike is way up there on the weirdness scale."

"I guess it still is. I mean… Weetabix in blood _can't_be standard practice, what with it not being generally found in veins and all."

"Can you imagine _Angel_putting cereal in his blood?" The girls giggled.

"Or chewing?" More giggles.

"So it's really working? Spike living here?" Xander asked.

Willow made an embarrassed grimace. "Yeah. It really is."

* * *

He was sorry the Slayer had not survived the Beast.

He'd been watching the Key and the people who surrounded it since just after her sacrifice, trying to assess its safety in her absence.

The red-haired witch was immensely powerful, but he didn't think the Key was in any danger from her or the blonde witch. He believed they might even protect it to an extent, but only if they thought they could afford the cost. They were not _family_.

He didn't think the vampire would count costs, even now, without full knowledge of their relationship. That, in itself, fascinated him. He had initially assumed he'd have to tell them what he knew in order to gain the vampire's support. But when he heard them making their "custody arrangement", he decided to wait.

He dismissed the two humans – they were not warriors and had no magic. The Watcher's knowledge and resources might have been helpful, but he seemed to have abandoned the Key completely. _Pity_.

He still wasn't sure what he would tell them when he made first contact. All he knew so far was that Brother Radan hadn't had all the facts, and that the Key might not be as human or as helpless as they had assumed. But he needed to know more before he approached them. For now, he would watch, and wait until he discovered what it was Radan hadn't told the Slayer – or hadn't _known_to tell the Slayer – and why he had dragged him into this mess.

_I once swore to destroy the Key. Why would the Order of Dagon choose_me _to protect it?_

* * *

The first delivery of October to the Magic Box was a personal one for Anya: the urn of Osiris, the last ingredient missing for the resurrection spell.

Anya had agreed to the plan. She'd helped at every research party, and – when they finally found a spell Willow thought she could make work – it had been Anya sourcing most of the ingredients.

But it had taken _so long_. It wasn't summer anymore, and their lives had all been on hold for months now, and everyone had built up all sorts of expectations about how things would be once Buffy was back.

Anya was getting increasingly nervous about the consequences of performing such a dark spell. She also suspected Willow lacked the power – and experience – to do it correctly. What if Buffy came back ... wrong?

As soon as she'd bought the urn, Anya found herself hoping it wouldn't arrive, or that it would be broken in transit, or turn out to be fake. But as soon as she opened the package, she knew. Reluctantly, she started making calls.

* * *

Every night, before Willow went to sleep, she went through a catechism of what would happen once Buffy was back. It was pure fantasy – Willow knew that – but she controlled every part of the fantasy, and it was happy, and it made real life a bit easier to bear.

First, Buffy would be overjoyed to be back, and so grateful to Willow for rescuing her. She'd be cured of her death wish, and confident that she could take on anything after defeating Glory. She'd be impressed by Willow's powers and they'd be more like equals now, so no more 'Willow the sidekick'. Their friendship would be even stronger than before. Like sisters.

Dawn would be happy again, so there would be no more outbursts, or crying, or shrieking. And because it was _Willow_who had made her happy again, Dawn would finally recognise that she really needed and wanted her in her life. Dawn and Buffy and Willow would be like sisters all together, and although of course Dawn would still really _like_Tara and Xander, she wouldn't be quite as close to them as she was to Willow and Buffy.

When Buffy was back, there would be no _need _for Spike. He'd move out of the house, for sure. And Dawnie wouldn't miss him, not with Buffy back.

Even in her fantasy, Willow didn't _really _want him staked – he still had the chip so staking would be Wrong – but she imagined him leaving Sunnydale. He made things uncertain and messy. He thought he was in love with Buffy. It would be better if he weren't around anymore.

And finally, Tara: ever since Glory, she'd been all avoido-girl with anything magical. But doing the resurrection spell would restore all her lost confidence in witchcraft, and they could go back to the way they were before, when they'd made magic together almost every day. Willow would be able to stop hiding her magical explorations and share everything with Tara again.

Willow knew that not all of these things were going to happen. A very, very small part of her knew that probably none of them would. But she hoped. And the hope helped her sleep.

When Scoobies met to examine the urn, Anya tentatively suggested to Xander and Tara that maybe they shouldn't go through with the resurrection spell after all. But just when she thought she might be getting somewhere, Willow arrived.

"It's time to stop talking. Tomorrow night, we're bringing Buffy back."


	5. Chapter 5

Spike was pacing in the living room when Willow and Tara came home.

"You're late."

"Sorry," Tara said. "Class ran over. Dawnie in bed already?"

Spike nodded. "'M off, then." He moved towards the door.

"Oh, hey, Spike!" Willow called. "Take the Buffy-bot out with you tonight?"

Spike flinched. "Already?"

"She only got a _little_ broken last time. It's been two weeks."

_Two weeks of bloody heaven_.

"Fine," he sighed and stomped upstairs, sounding remarkably like Dawn.

He opened the door to Buffy's room, where the bot lay on the bed. As he leaned over to unplug her from the charger, she reached up and caressed his face. "Hi Spike! I missed you."

He jerked away, bellowing "She's not fuckin' fixed, Willow!"

"What? Is she doing that twitchy stutter-y thing again?"

Spike sighed as the bot trailed him downstairs. "You said you got all … _that_ … out of her programming," he said softly.

Willow cringed. "Sorry? I'll take a look tomorrow."

"Thank you," Spike growled.

"Try not to let her get electrocuted again!" Tara called out after them as they left.

* * *

"You're telling me there's no Slayer in Sunnydale?"

"Nowhere like the Hellmouth for a party."

* * *

Willow whispered the incantation over Dawn's sleeping form. Her eyes fluttered open, but remained blank and unfocussed.

"Okay, Dawnie, put on your shoes and a coat. We're gonna go for a little walk."

Dawn did as she was told, and followed Willow out of her room and downstairs.

"Are you sure this is safe, Will?"

"Oh yeah, safe as – safe things. Besides, what other choice do we have? Spike's out patrolling. He'd be suspicious if we asked him to stay in, and we can't leave her alone at night. We _have_ to bring her with us."

"I guess."

"She'll be doing everything we're doing. Only sleeping."

"You don't think she should be awake for this?"

"We agreed not to tell her, what with the whole almost-raising-Joyce-from-the-dead-thing. Too traumatic."

"I remember! It just seems … wrong."

"Bringing Buffy back is wrong! It's against all the laws of nature and practically impossible, but it's what we agreed to do. No turning back now." Willow looked away and shivered a little.

"You didn't have to … _do_ anything, did you Sweetie? To make this work?"

"Oh no, Baby, of course not," Willow lied.

* * *

"Let's ride."

And the hellions saddled up, and headed for Sunnydale.

* * *

At the stroke of midnight, the Scoobies and Dawn were seated in a circle at the foot of the tower, each holding a burning candle.

"Osiris, keeper of the gate, master of all fate, hear us." Willow dipped a finger in the urn where it lay to her side, and stroked the mixture over her forehead and cheeks. Dipping in again, she traced a symbol on the ground then poured the contents of the urn over the symbol. "Before time and after, before knowing and nothing. Accept our offering." Deep slashes appeared along Willow's arms and her blood dropped onto the already wet ground. The Scoobies gasped. "Know our prayer." It came out of Willow's mouth, but it wasn't her voice anymore.

"It's okay," Tara whispered. "She warned me this would happen. She's being tested."

"Osiris! Let her cross over!"

The Scoobies could hear chittering all around them, like a bad '80s horror film, only … _actually _frightening instead of funny. Willow's eyes were glowing green, and there were _things_ crawling under her skin. She started shaking, then spasming. She rocked forward onto all fours and started making choking, retching sounds.

Had they not all been completely focussed on Willow's obvious distress, they would have heard motorcycles revving in the distance.

Three scarab beetles crawled out of her mouth, scurrying over her face until they came to the marks she'd made. They dug into her skin, and more of Willow's blood fell.

Suddenly, with a great diesel roar, a hellion on a motorcycle drove straight through their circle, smashing the urn, and blowing out most of the candles.

There was a pop of total silence, and all of the magic that had been building suddenly disappeared. "No!" screamed Willow. Then, as if someone cut her strings, she dropped unconscious to the ground.

As Willow fell, Dawn woke up. Disoriented and confused, she was also inches away from a hellion drawing back to punch her.

"Dawnie!" Xander shouted, and shoved her out of the way, catching a hit that dislocated his shoulder.

"I think we need to run now!" Anya screeched. _We are all going to die._

* * *

Buffy's eyes snapped open and she shuddered through a whole body spasm. Pain screamed through her as muscles and flesh filled out and moisture returned to her papery skin. The agony of oxygen flooding her system was incandescent. Everything was straining and tearing and re-growing and _So. Much. Pain_. Every nerve ending was white-hot fire. She was screaming, not even aware she was doing it, and then suddenly the torture was over, leaving behind a dull ache. Her body was whole again. Resurrected.

And trapped in a coffin under six feet of dirt.

Adrenaline flooded her system. _No air_. Her instincts were screaming that she wasn't safe, that she needed to escape. Survival was the only thing that mattered.

Crying with terror, she started punching at the coffin lid. Her movements were controlled, efficient, even while her mind continued to scream. When she finally broke through, dirt threatened to suffocate her. Scrabbling, sobbing, she pushed and pulled and grabbed and fought her way through the soil that was invading her nose and throat and lungs.

The Slayer took over, allowing her mind – her humanity – to retreat somewhere deep inside where there was no more pain and no more fear. Her muscle memories remained intact. Her body knew how to fight, how to survive.

When her head and shoulders finally broke the surface, after what felt like an eternity of struggling, she was inches away from a fledgling vampire, as fresh from the grave as she was.

"Slayer? It really _is_ my birthday!"

Her skin remembered the feeling of wood, and she grasped a shard of coffin in her fist and plunged it into the vampire's heart. Both her legs were still trapped.

She pulled herself out, coming to all fours to vomit up what she'd swallowed in her escape.

She felt lightheaded and shaky when she stood. For all her magical resurrection, she was in shock, oxygen-starved and dehydrated.

She staggered away from her disturbed grave, instinct driving her away from the cemetery and towards the town. On her way, she took out more fledglings. Still flooded with adrenaline, rage was beginning to overtake her terror.

Then she found the hellions.

* * *

Spike ran towards the smell of flames and the sounds of motorcycles.

_Hellions. _His heart dropped into his stomach. _They know the Slayer's dead. _

Then he could hear screams. _Guess they've found the soddin' bot._ As he rounded a corner, he thought he smelled something familiar. Almost like... _Buffy?_ Shaking it off as a side effect of keeping the bot in her room, he kept running towards the fight, wishing he had brought a weapon out with him tonight. Even an extra foot of reach would make things easier against a demon on a motorcycle. He grabbed a section of drainpipe off a wall as he passed. It would bend like butter, but was better than nothing.

He saw her flowing effortlessly through the throng of bikers from hell, ducking and weaving through punches, kicks, and flying weapons. Blood spurted into the air as she ripped out a throat with her bare hand. She managed to avoid being soaked by throwing herself away and into a spin kick, sending another demon flying through the bloody air, past Spike and crunching into a wall.

She was grunting with effort as she fought, but there were no quips. _Odd. _The bot usually wouldn't shut up when it was fighting. _Maybe Red really can change the programming_. As he jumped into the fray, knocking a hellion off his bike with the drainpipe, Spike was puzzled by the bot's ... efficiency. Every movement was clean and minimal and perfect. Then the wind shifted, and he could smell her.

_It wasn't the bot._

Before Spike could draw breath, something connected with his temple and everything went black.

* * *

With supernaturally good timing, the Buffy-bot had arrived at the tower almost immediately after the hellions. Once the bikers saw her, they ignored the Scoobies for precious seconds, and they were able to run away without further injury.

"Magic Box?" panted Xander.

"There are weapons there," answered Tara.

"Oh my God," Anya whispered. "Do you think there might be looting? I couldn't stand it if they damaged my store!"

* * *

Buffy's whole world had narrowed to her next move. Twist. Kick. Spin. Duck. Punch. Fight. Fight. Fight. _Kill_. She could feel her skin getting slick from the blood, her increasingly sticky clothes just beginning to hinder movement. Her muscles were starting to complain, her movements losing their sharpness. _Tired_. She was favouring her left knee, and at least one finger in her right hand was broken.

Spike opened his eyes. He hadn't been unconscious for long, but he'd already caught at least one foot to the chest. _Definitely broken somethin'._ He caught her scent again. _Buffy_. His head ached and spots of light were appearing in his peripheral vision. He sat up, just in time to see her take down the last of the hellions. Bodies littered the road in a scene of carnage worthy of a demon. She turned, slowly, towards him. Her eyes were empty.

"Vampire." Her voice was rasping, animal.

She made what should have been a leap forwards, but it ended up more a lurch because of her injured knee. Spike was still staring at her, utterly incapable of thought or movement.

"Buffy," he breathed out, just as her fist connected with his jaw. Ears ringing, he came out of his trance, and started moving to protect himself.

She wasn't pulling her punches. _She really _didn't _want to kill me before_, Spike thought, awed. _I'd be dust righ' now if she had a stake. No question._ Even injured, she was so much stronger than him.

_Alive. Beautiful._

But for all her strength and efficiency of movement, she wasn't _thinking_. Once Spike realised she was running on reflexes and adrenaline, it became easier to anticipate her movements and keep out of her way. They were both moving beyond human speed: Buffy attacking, Spike keeping himself a split second out of reach. She got past him a few times, though, and when he felt his cheekbone shatter, he knew he had to end the fight soon. He'd have no chance with only one working eye.

He twisted out of her immediate range, and concentrated on blending in with the shadows. He disappeared into vampire stillness just long enough to force her to switch from using her eyes to using her Slayer senses to find him again. That break in her concentration gave him the space to bring her to the ground in a flying tackle, pinning her body with his, wrapping his arms and legs around hers, and tucking his head under her chin to keep it safe.

He couldn't hurt her like this - it was a restraining hold - so he was only a little surprised that his chip didn't fire. She bucked under him, trying to get free, but his grip was sure and certain. He'd spent too many years dealing with Dru not to have perfected the art of restraint. He could hear Buffy's heart speeding up and her breathing get ragged and haphazard.

"Buffy. Buffy, Love, I'm not gonna hurt you," he whispered, nuzzling her skin with his uninjured cheek, wanting to roll in her scent, tantalising beneath the heavy stench of demon blood.

With his weight now settled on her chest, and unable to free her arms or legs, a scream started to build inside her, bubbling up through her lungs but strangled before it reached her throat. Her eyes were screwed shut, her jaw tight to keep it in. Her whole body was shaking with the effort to breathe. The bucking stopped and her whole body went rigid.

"No air," she ground out between clenched teeth.

Spike lifted his head to look at her face. Remarkably free of blood spatter, it was streaked with dirt and tears. He could only think of one reason she'd be covered with dirt ... and suffocating.

_Oh no. No. Not that. Not ... diggin' her way out? No._

Spike tamped down a sob before it could reach his throat. He tried to stroke her with his fingertips, desperate to comfort her, but knowing that if he loosened his hold now, she'd go straight back to trying to kill him.

"Buffy, Sweetheart, you're safe now. You can breathe. Look up, Love, stars and sky, no more coffin. You're safe." Spike started taking deep, even breaths, trying to encourage her to breathe with him.

After eternal seconds, Spike saw Buffy starting to unclench, her breathing falling into the rhythm he was setting. Just as he was considering letting her go, her eyes flew open and her heart rate jumped again.

"Vampire."

Spike stared at her mouth, not wanting to see his death in her eyes. "Yes, Love. 'M a vampire. But you treat me like a man. Could never harm you. Love you too much."

He looked up. There was a frozen moment when their eyes locked. The Slayer stared into Spike's eyes, while he searched desperately for the woman, for Buffy, silently begging her to remember him, to come back to him.

"Love?" The ghost of Buffy whispered through the Slayer's question.

"Love you, Buffy. So much. So much. God, you're _alive_! Never have and never will see anythin' so beautiful." He blinked back the tears he'd stopped being able to keep away, and gently caressed her with his cheek before meeting her eyes again.

Something glimmered there, a faint trace of recognition.

"Stupid vampire."

Spike's stomach dropped. "Buffy? Are you there, pet?"

She scrunched up her face in a moue of distaste and confusion, a movement so familiar it hurt to see.

Then she put everything she had into breaking his hold.

It would have worked on anyone else, but a century of dealing with Dru's crazy mood swings meant his grip didn't relax or slacken with his emotions anymore.

"Buffy! Please, Love. Stop struggling. You're not going to be free until I let you go."

Her eyes flattened, and she fought even harder. Every Slayer instinct she had was screaming at her that if she stopped fighting now she would die. _Survive._

Spike was scrambling to think of something that might calm her.

_Singin'? She only likes those god-awful boy bands. But I'm sure I heard somewhere it's tone of voice tha's important... Maybe that was coma patients._

_Buggerin' fuck I have no idea what to do._

"Buffy. Buffy please, Sweetheart, you have to calm down. 'S okay. It's all okay. You're safe. You can stop fighting now."

She kept bucking. Then she started growling.

_Maybe if I treat her more like a demon? Slayers are made outta demon essence..._

Keeping his human face, Spike grabbed onto the flesh just over her pulse point with his teeth.

"Yield," he growled.

Buffy went completely still.

He bit down harder, desperate to avoid breaking the skin. As it was, the scent of her blood was already in the air and it was driving him crazy. He could feel every pulsing beat of her heart reverberating throughout his body.

"Do you yield?" _Please, Sweetheart_. _Please just do this for me._

"Yes," she whispered. Then her body went limp as the adrenaline finally stopped pumping. Her eyes fluttered shut, and she passed out.

In his relief, Spike didn't notice his chip_ still_ hadn't fired.

Spike gently eased off Buffy's now-relaxed body. "C'mon, Love. Let's get you home." He picked her up in a cradle carry, her head nestled against his neck. "You're alive," he whispered, touching his cheek to her forehead and breathing in her scent in great gulps. He had to force himself to watch where he was going. All he wanted to do was look at her. But she needed to be home, and to get patched up.

Spike was trying very, very hard not to think about her mental state.

Or quite how much pain he was in. _Can't have broken _every_ bloody rib, can I?_

* * *

The Scoobies arrived at the scene of Buffy's killing spree not long after Spike left.

"I'd say it's all gone a bit apocalyptic, but … your standard Sunnydale apocalypse normally has way less property damage," Xander quipped.

"Who did this?" Tara asked. "We left the Buffy-bot back there, right?"

"Spike, I guess," Xander said. "He was out patrolling tonight, and the whole carnage thing, it's kinda his deal."

"Does it matter?" Anya asked. "They're all dead and we're all alive."

"Can we rest for a minute?" Tara asked. She and Anya gently laid Willow down.

"Is anyone _ever _going to give me an explanation for how I even got here?" Dawn asked. Then, falteringly, "I mean, we're safe now, right? I can be mad?"

* * *

Buffy woke up when they were halfway home. But before Spike could react, she'd grabbed hold of his throat with her teeth and was growling, "Yield."

Spike nearly came in his jeans. _What you do to me, woman! _He stopped walking.

"That's more foreplay than threat, Love. 'Fraid I'm still in charge." He could feel his skin pulling against her teeth as he spoke_._ _God, Buffy._

Buffy let go, relaxing back into his arms.

"Understood that, did you? Good." Spike laid his cheek against the top of her head. "I jus' wanna help you, Love. Let me take care of you."

"Safe," she whispered.

"Tha's right, pet. Safe as houses."

_Safe. Loved._ Words were starting to come back, but it was all still muzzy. She knew she didn't need to fight to survive right now, and that was enough.

Buffy stayed relaxed the rest of the way back. Once they'd negotiated the front door, he set her down on the sofa, and got the first aid box from the kitchen.

"Right then, let's have a look at you. Hands?"

When Buffy made no response, Spike gently took her hands in his, kissing them lightly before laying them palm down on her lap. Her fingernails were almost all gone, bent back and ripped out, and she had broken fingers on both hands. Spike got out the squirt bottle of distilled water he usually used and gently cleaned out the blood and dirt. Then he reached for the antiseptic that had lain unused in the box for months.

"This is gonna hurt, Love. I'm sorry."

Buffy grimaced, but didn't make a sound while he brushed the antiseptic over her raw skin and bandaged her fingertips.

"I need to reset your fingers now. Tha's gonna hurt more." She held his gaze as he set and wrapped her fingers. Both of them had tears in their eyes by the time he was done.

"Now I know somethin's up with your knee. But I reckon you'll want to be gettin' clean 'fore we do anythin' else. What say we get you into a bath, yeah?"

No longer expecting a response, Spike scooped her up off the couch and carried her upstairs. Setting her down on the closed toilet seat, he started running the bath.

When it was ready, he hung a set of clean pyjamas on the towel rack, and left her sitting in the bathroom, desperately hoping she knew what to do. Then he sat down with his back against the bathroom door, and listened to her moving. Heard her clothes drop to the floor, and soft splashing as she slipped into the bath.

He cried. With relief and agony and love. And hatred for whoever did _this_ to his beautiful, beautiful Slayer.


	6. Chapter 6

As soon as Spike shut the door, Buffy started looking for weapons. _Not safe here._ A manicure set provided her with a blade, and a wood-handled brush a makeshift stake. Clutching the items and with her back pressed against the wall, Buffy quickly stripped and tentatively stepped into the bath. Holding her weapons in one hand, she tried to rub the blood and dirt off her skin with the other. She never broke eye contact with the door – didn't even attempt to clean her face or hair. It would leave her too vulnerable.

In the hallway, Spike wiped at his eyes angrily. _Now is not the time to fall apart, you wanker_. He tried to calm his breathing while he listened to her getting out of the bath and rustling with clothes. When he heard her stop moving, he got up and went back into the bathroom.

Buffy was crouched in the corner furthest from the door, a weapon in each hand, poised to defend herself.

"Not gonna hurt you, Love," he whispered, holding his hands up and stepping towards her slowly. "Tha' knee must be in agony, all tucked up like that."

Spike slowly sank to his knees and sat back on his heels. She watched him warily, but made no movement. He tentatively reached out to her, and, without exerting any pressure, gently placed his fingers around her ankle. Buffy flinched, but remained still. Resting his other hand on her good knee, he tugged lightly on her ankle until she let him guide her into a sitting position, her bad leg stretched out in front of her.

"Better?"

The relief from changing position surprised her. Some of the tension started to creep out of her body.

Spike rocked back into a crouch, then eased backwards until he was alongside the tub. Not breaking eye contact, he felt around for a cloth, wet it in the bathwater, and slowly moved back to kneel in front of Buffy.

"Let me?" Going painfully slowly, he moved the cloth towards her face and started pressing it to her skin in feather light touches, wiping away the dirt and the tears. When she was clean, he reverently cupped her face in his hand and brushed her cheek softly with his thumb. "So beautiful," he whispered.

* * *

After seeing the bulk of the hellion gang in varying stages of evisceration, the Scoobies agreed it was safe to just go back to Revello Drive. What with having to avoid the last few fleeing hellions, and Willow unconscious and needing to be carried, it was nearing dawn by the time they got there.

Dawn had shrieked herself hoarse at the indignity of being out in her pyjamas, then refused to speak to any of them ever again when they refused to tell her why.

They were a little surprised to see most of the lights on at the house, but too exhausted to dwell. Dawn stomped straight up to her bedroom as soon as the door was opened. Anya and Tara stumbled upstairs to put Willow to bed. Tara crawled straight in after her, too tired even to undress. Anya and Xander turned out the lights and left, promising to come back first thing in the morning.

No one noticed the light shining out from under Buffy's door, or that the bathroom was muddy and wet.

* * *

Willow drifted back into consciousness late the next morning. She had a good few seconds of drowsy happiness before she remembered her failure. She'd sacrificed so much to rescue her best friend and she'd failed. She started crying, waking Tara, who just held her until she was ready to stop.

"Is everyone okay?" Willow asked. "I mean, scary bikers from hell and all that."

"Xander hurt his shoulder. And I think the Buffy-bot might be … dead. She saved us, but we haven't seen her since. She's still programmed to come to you if she's injured, right?"

"Yeah." Then Willow said in a small voice, "I'm sorry I couldn't bring her back." She started to cry again.

"Oh, Baby. You did your best. It's not your fault those demons crashed through your power circle."

"I was so sure it would work!"

"I know."

"Maybe we can try again?"

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Willow. I mean, those demons coming just then? M-maybe we really were in over our heads. Invoking forces that we have no right to..."

"But-"

"Dawnie woke up when you passed out," Tara said. "We had to explain the sleepwalking thing. She's pretty upset."

"Does she know about bringing Buffy back?"

"Not yet. We said we'd explain today."

"I don't know if I can face her."

"Xander and Anya are gonna come here as soon as they wake up. We can do it together."

"I guess." Willow groaned. "We should really get up now, shouldn't we?"

Tara nodded. "Yeah, probably. They could get here any minute."

Willow gingerly got out of bed. _Owie._ "I'm gonna go shower. I'm all achy."

Tara smiled at her. "Okay, Sweetie." She grimaced. "I'll see if Dawnie's ready to talk to us yet."

Willow looked guilty again. As she turned to leave the room, someone else briefly watched her out of Tara's eyes.

* * *

"I'm not saying we announce it this second..." Anya said, exasperated.

"Anya..."

"I think it will please them to know we're engaged. And I think Willow, in particular, could use a morale booster right now."

Xander shut his eyes. "Can we talk about this later?" _Why can't she understand that now's not the time?_

"It's just that... Well, all the excuses for not telling anyone we're engaged are gone now. There's nothing hanging over us anymore. This is it. No more surprises."

* * *

Tara came back to herself, shivering. "Ooh, I think someone just walked over my gr—" Tara stopped herself. _No talking of graves right now. Bad metaphor._

"Everything okay, Baby?" Willow asked, concerned.

"Yeah, just a sudden monster attack of the wiggins. I felt like I was … outside my body?" Tara shivered again. "Probably just lack of sleep." _I hope._

They could hear knocking downstairs, and then the front door opening.

"Anyone awake yet?" Xander called out.

Willow padded down the stairs. "All awake here. No more unconscious-girl." She smiled weakly.

Xander pulled her into a hug. "We were so worried about you."

Tara knocked gently on Dawn's door. "Dawnie?"

"Go away!" There was a thump as she threw something at the door.

"Willow's awake again, and we'll be making breakfast in a minute. Then we're all gonna talk. Will you at least come out for that?"

"M'kay." She paused. "But I'm still not speaking to you!"

"Okay," Tara said, sighing. _That could have gone worse_. As she turned away from Dawn's door to go join the others, she noticed mud and … a dress? … on the bathroom floor.

"Um, guys? Could you come up here for a minute?" Tara called.

They trooped upstairs. Willow stood next to Tara in the bathroom doorway, her face screwed up in confusion. "Maybe the bot came back last night and needed to get cleaned up?"

Xander thought there was something about the dress … but he couldn't quite place it.

"It's highly doubtful she survived those bikers," Anya said.

"Maybe. I'll check Buffy's room." They all watched as Willow opened Buffy's door.

Spike was asleep in a chair alongside the bed, one arm stretched out and resting on _… Buffy_.

"Buffy!" Willow breathed. The others crowded around the doorway, stunned.

"Is that - Buffy?" Tara whispered.

Willow crept up to the bed and reached out to her.

Buffy eyes flew open. _No._She grabbed Willow's arm and threw her careening into Spike, waking him up and knocking over the chair, sending them both to the floor in a tangle of limbs. She pulled herself up into a crouch against the headboard, clutching her brush and cuticle knife.

"What's wrong with her?" Anya asked.

Untangling herself from Spike, Willow said, "Nothing! She's just in shock."

Spike, growling, moved to crouch by the head of the bed, laying his palms flat. "'S'okay, Love. You're safe. All safe." Buffy relaxed slightly, lowering herself out of the crouch, but still holding tightly to her weapons.

"Her fingers … what happened to her hands?" Tara asked.

"Aw no…." Xander whimpered.

"What?" Willow asked.

"No! How could we..." He made a sound of disgust. "So stupid."

"Xander?!" Willow's voice was high and breathy with panic.

"The spell. Our little resurrection spell worked like a magic charm. We brought her back to life, all right. Right where we left her … in her coffin."

"Oh God," Willow sobbed.

Spike's eyes went yellow; he was hanging onto his human face by a thread. _Playing with forces they don't understand. I could kill them all_.

The angry-Master-vampire vibe in the room made them all suddenly conscious of Spike, and his closeness to Buffy.

"What are _you_doing here?" Xander's voice dripped venom. "Get away from her!"

"I found her and brought her home las' night," Spike said, keeping his eyes on Buffy and his voice even and calm. "And seein' as I'm the only one strong enough to keep her from throwin' you lot around the room like little dollies, I reckon I'll stay right where I am." _Calm. Gotta stay calm_.

Suddenly afraid of what feral-Buffy might do to him, Xander was thinking maybe Spike should stay where he was after all. Everyone except Willow took a tentative step back.

"Buffy? Buffy, it's Xander. We're ... sorry. We didn't know…."

"You're not reaching her," Tara said. "She's too traumatised."

"Buffy?" Xander tried again. "It's going to be all right. We ... we brought you back. You're home now."

Anya moved carefully towards Buffy. "Hey, Buffy, here's some good news that might perk you right up. Xander and I have an announcement—"

Xander jerked her back. "Anya!"

"What? I'm trying to help."

Buffy's eyes were flicking between them warily. She started growling.

"M-maybe we should give her some space. I think we're freaking her out," Tara suggested.

Willow was still on the floor, unable to process what was happening. _How did it all go so wrong?_

Tara pulled Willow to her feet. "Let's get breakfast. Everything will be better with food." She looked at Spike. "Has she - ?"

"No," he answered.

"D'you think toast - ?"

He nodded carefully. The longer they were near him, the more his jaw ticked with suppressed rage. _Stupid fuckin' wankers. Never think about the soddin' consequences._

He could feel bloodlust rising. Buffy's heartbeat was like a siren song to his starved and injured body. _Not good. Need blood. Now._

* * *

The thuds coming from Buffy's room had drawn Dawn out to investigate, and although she couldn't hear everything from the doorway to her bedroom, she'd heard enough. She shut her door as the Scoobies came out of Buffy's room and trooped downstairs, sliding down to sit against it. _What did they_do_? Is this why they put me to sleep?_

A few minutes later, she heard Buffy's door open and close, then Spike's footsteps along the hallway and going down the stairs.

Dawn needed to see for herself.

She opened her door as quietly as she could, and crept down the hall to slip into Buffy's room.

"Buffy?" Dawn said, coming into the room. "How - is it you? I mean, really?"

Buffy was in no state to deal with surprises.

Spike heard Dawn moving upstairs while he was waiting for his blood to heat up. Terrified, he ran for Buffy's room. He reached the doorway in time to see Buffy holding Dawn from behind, the cuticle knife pressed against her jugular.

Spike knew that if Buffy tried to cut Dawn's throat now, even with his speed, he'd never be able to get there in time. Holding his hands out, he started moving very slowly towards them. "Easy, Love. Dawn's no threat to you," he whispered.

"Buffy?" Dawn wavered. "I'm your sister. Dawn. You don't want to hurt me. I don't know how you're back but you are and please, just…." She broke off in a sob of fear and anguish. "Talk to me!" She shrieked. "Say something! I don't understand." Tears streaming down her face, she whimpered, "You're scaring me."

Buffy cocked her head to one side. "Is this hell?" she asked in a small voice.

"What?" Dawn asked.

"Is this hell?"

"No. Buffy, no. You're here. With me. Whatever happened to you…. Whatever you've been through... It's - it's over now. You're—"

"Buffy, please," Spike whispered. "You've got to remember." He still wasn't close enough. He'd never been so terrified.

"Listen to me," Dawn pleaded. "You told me I had to be strong. And I've tried." Dawn's voice broke. "It's been so hard without you, but I try to be brave. I'm sorry. I promise I'll do better. I will. If you're with me. Stay with me. Please. I need you with me." Dawn was shaking with sobs, and her movements caused the knife to dig into her, just a little bit, releasing a trickle of blood.

As the scent of Dawn's blood flooded the room, two things happened: Spike threw himself at Buffy, desperate to stop her from hurting Dawn more; but also, cracks formed deep down inside Buffy, where she'd hidden herself from the fear and the pain, and some of her memories came back. "Dawn?" she whispered. Recognition flooded into her eyes, and she dropped the knife. Spike her go, sagging against the wall with relief. _Too close._

"Oh god, Dawnie!" Buffy croaked out, and turned Dawn around in her arms.

Dawn, still crying, gasped in the too-strong embrace. "Can't breathe, Buffy!"

Overcome with horror at what she'd almost done – twice – Buffy flung herself away from her sister. "I – I was going to…."

"But you didn't. The important thing is, you didn't," Spike said, shakily pulling Dawn towards him, needing the physical reassurance that she was still alive.

"Buffy?" Dawn moved out of Spike's half-hug towards her sister, still needing the comfort of being close to her. Spike watched them warily, still not sure Dawn would be safe.

Buffy stared at her sister, stricken. Dawn wrapped her arms around her, holding on tight. Buffy clenched and unclenched her fists as her trembling arms came up to rest lightly around Dawn's back.

"Buffy... You ... you're really here." Dawn let out a sob. "You're alive and you're home." Dawn's tear-stained face was suffused with relief and tentative joy. "You're home."

Buffy's face was completely frozen. Her eyes met Spike's. "You protected her." He nodded. "Even from me."

* * *

Downstairs, Tara was making breakfast, while Willow and Xander sat silently, trying to process what had just happened. Anya was fluttering around the room, unable to keep still with all the tension.

They barely noticed Spike come in, put some blood in the microwave, then leave again.

"I think we screwed it up and she's broken," Anya said, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"No!" Willow almost shouted. "She can't be broken!"

Then Spike returned with a tear-ravaged Dawn. When he got out the first aid kit, every eye in the room went to the cut on Dawn's neck.

"D-d-did B-B-Buffy - ?" Tara stuttered.

It was all so far away from what they'd expected. _Buffy_ hurting _Dawn_ was just … inconceivable.

"You're going to have to put her back," Anya said.

"No," Spike said firmly.

"No!" Dawn shrieked.

Suddenly, Buffy was in the kitchen with them.

"I'm okay," she said softly, looking at the floor.

All the Scoobies started talking at once. "What do you remember?" (Xander);

"Are you in pain?" (Willow); and "What do you know about what happened?" (Tara).

Buffy cringed.

"Back off!" shouted Dawn, standing protectively between her sister and the others.

"I'm going to be fine," Buffy said. "I remember – I was— You brought me back." She looked up, but avoided making eye contact. "How long was I gone?"

"Hundred forty-eight days yesterday." Spike responded quickly. "Um, 'cept yesterday doesn't count, does it?" He tried to catch her eye, but Buffy wouldn't look at him. "How long was it for you … where you were?"

"Longer. It was ... I can't – I couldn't leave."

"It's okay. You really don't have to do this, Buff," Xander said softly. "Hey, do you want something? Anything? Toast? Doughnuts? I'll get you doughnuts."

"She doesn't want doughnuts," Willow said scornfully.

"Back. The fuck. Off," Spike ground out. The Scoobies flinched.

"Let Buffy tell us what she needs," Dawn said.

Buffy backed up against the wall, still not meeting anyone's eyes. "I think ... I want to sleep."

Suddenly, she was staring straight at Spike, pleading.

"That's a good idea," Tara said. "You should sleep."

"Yeah," Willow agreed. "But, Buffy, be happy. We got you out. We really did it." She smiled, tentatively.

They'd saved her. They, the Scoobies, had saved the Chosen One, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. _Why wouldn't she look at them?_

"Tired," Buffy whispered. She looked up at Spike again. "Will you...?"

He nodded. "I'll watch over you."

Dawn reached out to touch her sister, but Buffy pulled away and moved towards the stairs. Dawn's face fell, stung.

Spike pulled her against him with both arms. "Give her time, Sweet Bit. Gave herself quite a scare there." Dawn buried her face in his chest, crying again.

Spike grabbed his blood and the first aid kit and, still holding Dawn tightly against his side, followed Buffy upstairs.

Xander started to splutter, then stopped.

"She just tried to slit Dawn's throat," Anya said. Everyone flinched. "I, for one, feel much safer with Spike watching her."

"Anya!" said Xander.

"What? She _did_."

"She's just disoriented from being tormented in some kind of hell dimension," Willow said. "Probably tortured and…. It's like, we don't even know how much time passed there for her, possibly years. That's not something you get over…" Willow trailed off, then, "What if she never gets over it?"

"And you think of this _now_?" Anya asked, incredulous. _So ignorant_.

"What are you thinking, Willow?" Tara asked. "That she's ... that she's not right? Or maybe, like, dangerous?"

"No!" Willow shouted, stomping her foot. "She's not all feral-Buffy anymore – she's definitely normal … now."

"Willow, she _died_to protect Dawn, and practically the first thing she did when we brought her back was try to _kill_her!" Anya said. "I don't think she's especially normal at all."

"Shut up, Anya!" Xander shouted.

In the awkward silence that followed, no one noticed that Xander's brown eyes had turned green, or that someone else was staring out of them. He attributed his disorientation and discomfort to thinking about what his best friend had just done to her sister.

Anya's face crumpled. _There's always consequences with magic. Always! I don't understand why I'm not supposed to talk about it._


	7. Chapter 7

Dawn stayed glued to Spike's side as they walked upstairs. He guided her into the bathroom, put down his mug and the first aid kit, and swung her up to sit on the counter next to the sink.

"Right then, Pidge, let's have a look at that cut." Spike was still amazed that Dawn's blood never smelled like food to him. Blood called. _Loudly_. No matter whose it was, human blood smelled delicious – even more so in the years since he'd stopped drinking it. But never hers.

At first, he'd thought it was something to do with his attempts at starving himself to death, but he was pretty sure now that that wasn't all of it. He lived with her – well, during the week, anyway – and no matter how much her blood flowed or how easily accessible it was, _nothing_ _happened_. No bumpies, no yellow eyes, nothing. He reacted just like he would with another vampire: check if it's dangerous, and if not, move on. Somehow, his demon recognised her as … family.

This time was no different. He put his hand to her jaw and tilted her head up and away so he could look at the cut. It was just a scratch, really: if it had been his neck, or Buffy's, it would already be healed. But it was _perfectly_aligned with her jugular vein. _Fuck. Too close._ He grabbed the antiseptic and gave it a quick swipe.

"First neck wound've seen in years actually small enough for a band-aid," he grunted, putting one on, then gently running one hand over the top of Dawn's head. "There. All fixed up." Dawn leaned forward until her forehead was resting on his chest. He let his arms come down to rest around her narrow frame.

"What's wrong with Buffy?" she asked in a small voice.

Spike sighed. "Did you see her hands?" Dawn shook her head no and wrapped her arms around his waist, face still hidden in his chest. "Right. She had to claw her way out of her grave, Bit. She woke up, alone, terrified, in pain, without air, and she had to fight her way out."

Dawn nodded solemnly into his chest, trying not to cry. "Is that what it was like for you?" Swinging her knees to one side, she snuggled in closer. She felt safe like this. Everything was just so frightening right now.

"Pretty much." He paused. "I coulda jus' stopped breathin', but I didn' know that at the time. Still don' like it very much when I can't breathe."

Dawn raise her head to look at him. "But were you … like her? Did you kill your family?" Her eyes were so wide, and so scared.

_God, Bit, pick an easy question._ "'S different with vamps. Your sis didn't know who you were – who I was – anythin'! Couldn't even 'member how to speak." He raised one eyebrow. "Not like she's ever _liked_usin' her words to solve her problems." Dawn almost smiled. He looked away for second. "But I always remembered." _Can't lie. She trusts me._ "Jus' didn't care." He cupped Dawn's face in his hand, meeting her gaze again. "It was you brought her out of it, Dawn. Don't you forget that. Tha' lot downstairs? Might've brought back her body, but her mind? All you. Only you." Dawn burrowed back into his chest, clutching him tighter.

"They're not going to … put her back, are they?" she whispered. "I mean, it's not like when I tried to bring Mom back, is it?"

"NO. 'N I reckon Buffy's … herself … enough now they won't want to. Don't you worry about that, Pigeon." _She's not all the way herself yet, but … she's a fighter. She will be. Not lyin'._

Satisfied for the moment that her sister was safe, Dawn asked, "What happened to your face?" He hadn't had blood since he'd first woken up yesterday. His smashed cheek still hung drunkenly, and the eye above it was swollen shut. And now he wasn't quite so focussed on keeping the Summers women safe, he hurt. Everywhere.

"What d'you reckon?"

"Buffy, huh?"

He nodded. "She packs a right mean punch, your sis."

"I guess I was lucky. Kinda. I mean, only a band-aid, right?" Dawn picked up the now-stone-cold mug of blood and held it out. "You need to get all fixed up, too. Bet you haven't eaten since yesterday."

He downed it, grimacing at the taste.

"That's not gonna be enough to heal all that, is it?"

"'S alright for a start. Don' really fancy goin' back downstairs right now." He remembered, suddenly, that no one had been home when he'd brought Buffy back last night. "What happened last night?" he asked. "When I left, you were asleep. Those gits downstairs were obviously out doin' whatever they did to bring your sis back. Where were you?"

Tears started welling up in Dawn's eyes. "They magicked me to sleep and they brought me with them."

Spike was utterly, utterly speechless.

Dawn started sobbing. "I was there with them the whole time w-when they were bringing her b-back and I didn't know!" She ended on a wail. "I was in my pyjamas and I was still asleep and then demon bikers broke the circle and then Willow passed out and I woke up and the first thing I saw was this fist coming for my face and oh Spike, I thought I was gonna die!" She gasped for breath. "But then Xander pushed me out of the way, and the Buffy-bot came and they got distracted and we ran."

_What the fuck. Do they not have a brain cell between them? No protection from Sunnydale's nasties. Getting' a_child _involved in resurrection spells?!_ Spike pulled Dawn into a tight hug.

Dawn continued, her crying tapering off a little as she remembered her anger. "Why didn't they wake me up and let me _choose_? I would have done anything to get Buffy back. _Anything_! Why did they _force_ me like that?" She paused, a sudden idea horrifying her. "What if it's not the first time? They coulda done it before. I'd never know. Why would they – I _trusted_them." Realising the depth of the betrayal, her anger faded, and Dawn just cried.

"'S unforgiveable. Doin' that to you." _I'll kill them. Fucking chip!_ Any hopes Spike had for one day forging … _anything_… with the Scoobies went up in smoke then and there. If they could do this to Dawn, decide consciously to violate her like that _for fuckin' convenience!_ He wanted nothing more to do with them. "My place isn't safe for you on your tod – not at night, anyway. If it was, I'd take you outta here right now. Damn the consequences." Spike ran a hand over his face. "Let's at least fix you up with some kinda lock on your door." He looked at her sideways. "_Would_suggest somethin' noisy to wake you up if someone comes through, but we both know brass bands got no hope when you're out for the count." She smiled, weakly. He ruffled her hair. "I'll talk to your sis 'bout gettin' rid of the witches. You're not safe with them in the house."

_This is all happening so fast. Too fast._"But that's … really big … them leaving. I mean, Buffy's only just came back and it's _Willow and Tara_. They make me pancakes and they moved in to take care of me. Kicking them out? Willow's Buffy's best friend. Will she … will Buffy even… I mean … me and Buffy … not always so close."

"Stop." Spike put one finger over her lips. "Nothin's more important to me than your safety. Nothin'. And I _know_ Buffy feels the same way. You think she won' be furious 'bout what they did? Sweet Bit, she died so you could live. You think kickin' her friends outta the house to keep you safe is gonna be a hard sell after that?"

Dawn nodded. Part of her knew she should believe him. But it still felt … weird … even thinking about Buffy taking her side over her friends'. In their old life, before all the dying, Dawn was sure Buffy would have trusted that anything Willow did was for a good reason, no matter what it was. _Willow just has to bake some guilt-cookies and everything's fine again_.She realised she really _did_ feel uncomfortable about sleeping in the house with them there. Maybe Spike could make Buffy understand.

_If she doesn't try to kick_him _out instead._

Dawn knew something bad had happened between them last winter – and it must have been serious, because Buffy had revoked his invitation to the house. But no one had ever told her what was going on, and although things had seemed a bit better later on – even _after_the bot – she wasn't sure whether they'd ever really fixed things. Forcing Buffy to choose between people was dangerous. What if she picked Willow?

"I'm not sure I want Buffy to know what they did," she said. "Not yet. If I know I'm safe in my room, I think I'll be okay. And … you'll be here, right?"

"I'll always be here, Platelet. But … not good, keepin' secrets like that. They broke your trust, there's gotta be consequences."

"I know, but… not yet. Buffy only just got back. Can't we wait until she's…."

Spike knew that trying to predict Buffy's reaction to _anything_right now was a gamble. _Explainin' her best friends almost got her sister killed…._ He decided to go with Dawn's instincts for the time being. "I'll give it a few days. But I'm gonna tell her 'bout what they did eventually. Not takin' chances with your safety." He grabbed her chin. "You're never to be alone with them, 'less you're locked up tight in your room. Got it?"

Dawn nodded. Some of the tightness around her heart loosening.

"Right then. I need to get showered and tape up m'ribs. I think there's some wood in the basement we can use to bar your door – should be on the floor next to the washing machine. If you grab that, and my tools from the basement, we'll sort you out when'm done."

Dawn looked down at his t-shirt, already dirty from the fight, now worse from her crying. "You need a new shirt."

"Tha' too." Spike pulled back so that Dawn could get off the counter. He stroked her head, then pulled lightly on her hair. "Go on, then."

Dawn walked out of the bathroom, not feeling better, exactly, but … more hopeful.

* * *

Anya was sulking. Xander was freaked by how angry he'd been, shouting at her. _That's not_me_. That's my dad_. They sat at opposite ends of the breakfast bar, lost in their own thoughts.

Willow was pushing food around her plate, thinking about baking. _Cookies make everything better._

Tara was washing up the breakfast dishes. She felt sick. Buffy was so … broken. _Anya's right, such dark magic will have consequences_. _And what we've done to Dawn!_ She'd felt uneasy about it last night, but her fear and excitement about the resurrection spell had overridden everything else. Now that she could see Dawn's reaction…. _How can she ever trust us again?_Should_she ever trust us again? We took all her choices away just because we didn't think to find a babysitter. We should know better –_be _better – than that._

When Dawn came through the kitchen to go down to Spike's room – w_hen had the basement become Spike's room?_ – Tara and Willow gave guilty starts. When she came back up, carrying a toolbox they didn't recognise, wood, and Spike's shirt, Tara picked up the plate of buttered toast she'd set aside for Buffy.

"This is for B-B-B-Buffy. D-d-d-o you want anything?" Tara stuttered.

Dawn jiggled her load around to take the plate, avoiding Tara's eyes. "Not hungry," she muttered. "Spike needs more blood, though."

"I can do that," Willow said, jumping up and going over to the fridge.

"Use the popcorn setting," Dawn said. Realising she didn't have the capacity to carry a mug of liquid on top of everything else, she added, "I'll be back in a minute," and went upstairs.

"Who woulda thunk it? Popcorn and blood," Willow said awkwardly.

"Yeah," said Tara.

When Dawn came down again, she was walking stiffly and her eyes were glowing green.

"Bitches. Little bitches playing with powers you don't understand!" a gravelly rasp poured out of her mouth. Tara and Willow jumped, backing slowly away.

"Dawnie?" Willow faltered.

"Not home, little witch." She tilted her head and grinned. "Gone far, far away." The … thing … wearing Dawn's body started swaying like a snake, walking towards them. "Bitch-witch, witch-bitch," it singsonged. They could hear chittering around them, like at the tower during the spell. "Tasty little bitches. I'm hungry!" Then, like a switch being flipped, the green lights went out from her eyes, and Dawn slumped to the floor.

"Oh my god," Tara whispered. "What was that?"

"Probably a hitchhiker," Anya said, glaring at Xander.

"A hitchhiker?" Xander asked, moving to gather Dawn up. "C'mon, Dawnster. Wakey-wakey."

Dawn made a sleepy noise, and opened her eyes. Realising she was on the floor in Xander's arms, she shrieked. "What did you do to me!" Eyes wide in terror, she scrambled away from him, and sitting against the wall, yelled "Spike!"

Spike came running down the stairs, wearing nothing but his jeans and still damp from the shower. Dawn threw herself at him as he entered the kitchen.

"_We_didn't do anything to you," Anya said. "Some demon piggybacked with Buffy into our dimension and is probably trying to kill us all now."

"Anya!" Xander said.

"You mean some demon from Hell rode back with Buffy?" Willow squeaked. "Like ... we're responsible for this?"

"I _knew_it would go badly." Anya pouted. "Resurrection spells are never a good idea."

"Well why didn't you say something?!" Willow shouted. "You could've at least mentioned the 'hijackers' so we could stop 'em!"

"They're hitchhikers, not hijackers, and I thought you knew! It's basic stuff! _You're_supposed to be the all-powerful witch." She folded her arms.

"What's happenin' then?" Spike asked, forcing himself to stay calm.

"Dawn just got … taken over … by something," Xander said.

"A hitchhiker," Anya explained.

"Consequences," Spike breathed. "Always gotta be consequences."

"Exactly!" Anya said, throwing her hands in the air.

Dawn was trying to curl herself tighter into Spike. Terrified.

"I – I don't think it's the first time," Tara said quietly. "I felt something, this morning. I thought it was just … but now … I think maybe it took _me_over too." Willow was staring at her girlfriend in horror. _All my fault_.

"Some kind of traveller demon, then," Spike said. "No corporeal form of its own."

"Don't tell me: Gozer the Traveller has come," Xander said.

Anya smacked him. "_Xander!_ Now is not the time. Even _I_ know that."

"Sorry, Dawnie," Xander said.

There was a long silence.

"Well, go research then!" Spike said, finally. "'S what you lot do, innit?"

"We might need your translation skills," Anya said. "I'll let you know."

Willow, Tara and Xander stared at them.

"Tr-translation skills?" Xander squawked. "_Spike_has translation skills? That _you_ know about?"

Anya sighed. "I never had to learn languages when I was a vengeance demon! I just understood everything magically. Since Giles left, I … I get a little stuck sometimes. I knew Spike spoke Fyarl. Turns out he speaks a lot of demon languages, plus pretty much all the human ones. He's made a big impact on my profits."

"Never did get to grips with Sumerian, though. So we're stuffed if it's Gozer." Spike winked at Xander.

Xander opened and closed his mouth a few times. _Did we just share a moment?_

Willow and Tara were watching the by-play open-mouthed. _Anya and Spike have a … a business relationship?_

"We should start with the research. Much needed stoppage of the body-snatching," Willow said. The others nodded, still feeling a bit stunned – except Anya, who was feeling rather smug.

As they gathered up their things and walked towards the door, Spike looked down at Dawn, still cowering against him.

"Know you're not alright, but…"

"Can you make me that door bar now?" she whispered.

"Course. Then maybe you could do with a nap? Been quite a day."

Dawn nodded. "There's blood for you in the microwave."

Spike waddled over to the microwave, unable to move his legs properly with the Dawn-limpet attached. "You know this is ridiculous, righ'?" he said.

"I just … I'm a little freaked out right now."

"I know, pet. I know." He kissed the top of her head and ruffled her hair. He took the mug out, and downed the blood.

"There's a plate of toast for Buffy." Dawn pointed.

"Right." He grabbed the plate, sighing. "I really can't go up the stairs like this."

"Sorry," Dawn mumbled into his chest. She shuffled around until her legs were completely to one side of his, but still clinging.

Twenty minutes later, there was a thick, wooden bar laid across the inside of Dawn's door, and Dawn was passed out, exhausted, on her bed.

The shower and blood had made Spike feel more functional – especially now he could see out of both eyes again – and the jittery feeling that Dawn was in danger had lessened with the door bar. _He_could probably still bust through it – and Buffy – but it would take a while, and normal humans would have no chance.

It was time to go talk to Buffy.

He decided not to wake Dawn to put up the bar after him. The others weren't home; she was safe enough for the time being.

He'd heard Buffy's heart rate loud and clear downstairs, and it'd been more hummingbird than human. Whatever she was, she wasn't _okay_. She was hiding something, and he wanted – needed – to know what it was.

He walked down the hallway to her room, carrying the plate of toast. He raised his hand to knock, then stopped. _Best know now if she's still gonna try t'kill whatever comes through the door_.


	8. Chapter 8

Spike opened the door and walked straight through. "Still after rippin' someone's throat out, Slayer?" he asked, trying for light banter and not quite making it.

She was sitting rigidly on the bed, back straight, hands resting on her thighs, and staring at the wall. She looked perfectly still and calm, but he could hear her heart going a thousand miles a minute.

"Yes," she said simply. She didn't even look at him as she said it.

"Well. That's … honest." Spike put the toast down on her vanity, closed the door and leaned back against it, folding his arms over his chest. "And Dawn? She on the menu?" _If I had to choose … god, that's no kind of choice. Please don't ever put me in that position again, you crazy bitch._

"I didn't recognise her, then."

"But you do now?" _Please, please say yes._

"Dawn is … important. Family." Buffy's shoulders tried to shrug through her stillness.

"You're still not all there, are you?" Spike ran his hands over his face and started wandering around the room, picking things up and putting them down again. The stillness was making him crazy.

"I … everything is so … I thought she would hurt me, too. Everyone here hurts me."

He stopped moving. "I haven't."

"Not yet," she acknowledged.

Spike went to sit next to her on the bed, trying to work out what was so fascinating about that bloody wall.

"Dawn won't," he added.

"No." She paused. "I know that now."

"Good." A tension went out of his shoulders he hadn't realised was there.

"You'll stop me, won't you?" That pleading look from downstairs was back in her eyes, but she wouldn't move, her gaze still fixed on the wall.

"What do you mean?"

"If I hurt her?" Her voice was soft and full of pain.

"You stopped yourself this morning."

"I still cut her throat."

"It's never gonna come to that." He grabbed her, forcing her to look at him. "Listen to me. You're Heaven's Chosen One." He completely misunderstood her flinch. "The golden girl. You will _never_hurt your family. Never hurt Dawn."

"Heaven doesn't want me."

There was something about the way she said it that jerked at Spike's gut. "Buffy… where were you?"

She took a breath, twisted out of his grip and went back to staring at the wall. "I don't know … not really. But wherever I was, I was happy. At peace. I was … complete. Safe. It was warm and quiet and I felt so much love."

She paused, then whispered, "I think I was in heaven."

* * *

Anya slammed shut the book she'd been leafing through. "I think we should call Giles."

"We will," Willow said. "As soon as we get rid of the demon hitchhiker."

"I gotta go with Ahn on this one, Will," Xander said. "Why are we waiting to call the G-man?"

"He said not to call unless there was an apocalypse. I don't wanna bug him yet."

"He m-m-might be upset that we waited to tell him that Buffy's back, Sweetie," Tara said.

"I'm calling him now," Anya said firmly. "He may have ideas on how to stop the hitchhiker. I do _not_ want to be possessed." Anya got up and walked over to the counter, where the phone was.

"No," Willow said firmly. As Anya reached for the phone, Willow telekinetically slid it out of her reach. Anya huffed, and moved to grab the phone again. Willow moved it again.

"Willow!" Tara said.

"What?" Willow replied.

"Stop it."

"But she's—"

"She's right. It's time to call Mr Giles."

* * *

"Buffy…" For the second time that day, Spike's brain shuddered to a standstill.

"Why doesn't heaven want me anymore?" Buff dropped her gaze to the floor, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I don't know if I can keep myself from …" She paused. "I know I'm not the same. There are … pieces … missing. Memories. And my body wants to fight, to stay here. I can feel it. But I'm not ready to … it's all I can do to cope with…" a sob threated to escape her restrained stillness, "the _loss_," she ended on a whisper. "I'm so afraid of what I might do." _Is it me who's in danger, or is it them?_

Spike got off the bed and knelt at her feet. Taking her hands in his, he looked straight into her eyes. "Of course Heaven wants you! You're bloody perfect, you are. Your precious friends ripped you out. _They_did this. Not you. Never you." He kissed her fingers, gently, reverently. "Can't say I'm sorry you're back. Too selfish for that. But the way you came back? Wouldn' wish it on anyone."

"There are so many things I'm not sure of … things I don't remember. I … I know my mother is gone, but I can't remember why, or how. I know who my friends _are_ but … there are gaps…. I only remember the bad times." She paused. "Giles!" she shouted. "Giles should be here. Why isn't he here? He … he loved me, I remember."

"Went to England, right after you died. 'Spect he'll show up, soon's he knows you're back."

Buffy nodded, very slightly. "Only, only he hurt me, too. He … drugged me? Why would he do that? I was so weak. Powerless." She reeled back suddenly, hit with another memory. "He wanted me to kill Dawn." Buffy's stranglehold on her body was weakening, the more she got lost in the memories coming back. She looked confused, distressed. Her heart still hadn't stopped racing.

She looked at Spike, _really_ looked at him, like she was still the person she used to be. "And _you_love me." She made a choked sound, halfway between a laugh and a sob. "Why can't I remember the good things?"

Before he could react, it was like a dam broke inside her, and the crying started. She curled into herself, until she was lying on the edge of the bed in foetal position, her whole body shaking and shuddering. She was facing him, but her eyes were squeezed shut against the tears.

Spike didn't know what to do. He knew she needed the release, and anything he did might send her back to repressing again. He reached out tentatively to touch her shoulder. When she didn't react, he started stroking her arm, still kneeling on the floor beside her.

After what seemed like hours, but wasn't, her swollen eyes blinked open, and she looked at him again. "You can't tell anyone. Where I was."

Spike nodded.

"Stay with me?"

He nodded again. "Whatever you need, Love."

She closed her eyes and curled back into herself, finally falling into exhausted sleep.

Wide awake, he watched her. Even though he was knackered, he wasn't sleepy. He knelt beside her, one hand travelling restlessly over her in feather light touches. Reassuring himself of her breathing, her warmth. _Alive. So beautiful._

He had no warning when the first nightmare hit. There was a hitched breath, and then she was punching him in the face. He felt his nose break, but managed to keep her away from his cheek. Her heart rate said she was still sleeping, but her unseeing eyes were open while she flailed and fought. When he moved out of the way of her fists, she didn't follow. "No air," she whimpered, so quietly he almost didn't hear it over the noise of her movements.

She was fighting her way out of a coffin only she could see.

He carefully lay down behind her on the bed. He wrapped himself around her, holding her limbs, but leaving her face and chest free and clear.

"Shhh, Love. I've got you. You're safe. No more coffin. It's daytime. All light out." She was still twitching and struggling against his hold, but with less force all the time. She stopped struggling completely after a few minutes, relaxing into him as she slipped out of the nightmare and back into sleep.

He was already hard just from her nearness, but when she took his arms and wrapped herself in them, grinding her bottom against his cock in her sleep, he thought he might burst out of his jeans.

_What you do to me, woman._

But she still smelled of fear, and for right now, holding her was enough. Such a gift to be surrounded by the scent and feel of her skin, her _warmth_. Thinking she must be cold to be wrapping his body around hers, he pulled the cover over them both.

He held her while she slept and it was blissful.

The second nightmare started with her crying out in pain. This time, her body was stretched taut in remembered the agony of resurrection. His body was still folded around hers, and, whispering comfort into her ears, he soothed her back to sleep.

Not long after that, his plan to memorise every second she let him keep holding her was thwarted by his own exhaustion, and he let the cocoon of borrowed warmth suck him into sleep.

* * *

Buffy drifted into wakefulness feeling warm and safe. When she'd realised it was _Spike_ whose leg was trapped between hers, whose arm was her pillow and whose hand was splayed, under her shirt, over her naked belly, she had a moment of panic. _Vampire!_ But then she remembered … he would protect Dawn. He would protect Dawn until the end of the world. She _knew_, with everything she had, that she could trust in that. Even though she couldn't remember why. And he … she thought he loved _her_, too. Something about that felt … wrong. But everything was all so muzzy.

The first time she tried to get out of bed, he clutched her closer, moving down her body and rubbing his cheek against her back in between her shoulder blades and … was he _purring_? With concerted wriggling, she managed to get out of his grasp. He rolled straight into the spot she'd vacated in the bed, chasing the warmth, and she found herself folding the duvet around him.

_This … isn't right. But … it is._

Her stomach growled. Seeing the toast, she wolfed it down.

She wasn't tired anymore. Her body was buzzing with energy. She wanted … she wanted to kill something.

* * *

Spike jerked awake when the wind slammed the window shut. It was dusk, and he was alone in the room. He was still warm and surrounded by the duvet ... like he'd been tucked in. The toast was gone.

_Buggerin' fuck. How the hell did I miss her leavin'?_

He re-opened the window, sniffing the air. _Can still smell her. Can't've been gone more'n a few minutes. Right._ Spike listened for heartbeats. _Only Dawn's. Need that bar up 'fore I go runnin' off._ He went quietly into Dawn's room. She was still out like a light.

"Niblet," he said softly, crouching by her bed and touching her shoulder gently. No reaction. _Bloody brass bands_. "Bit," he said in a normal speaking voice.

"Mmmm, can't be school, 's weekend," she mumbled.

"I need you awake now, Dawn."

At the sound of her name, Dawn woke up. _God, he's got ... dad voice._

"What?" she said grumpily. Then, suddenly fearing _why_he was waking her up, "Has something bad happened?"

"No, pet. Nothin' bad." He reached out to stroke her hair. "Your sis took off while I was sleepin', 'n I don' think she's ready to be out on her own yet. Gonna go after her. But it's dark out, an' I want tha' barrier down 'fore I leave."

"O-okay," Dawn said.

"Told you before, 'm not takin' risks with you. If you don' feel right, stayin' here alone…."

Dawn gave him a small smile. "Go find Buffy. I'll be okay."

"Sure?" He looked worried.

Dawn nodded again, getting out of bed. "Go!" She gave him a shove towards the door. He heard her dropping the bar after him.

Spike went back into Buffy's room, and slipped out the window to track her still-lingering scent. He worked out where she was headed fairly quickly: Sunnydale Memorial, the oldest and largest of the graveyards, and usually the one with the most nasties.

_Slayer wants to play_. He grinned. _This should be fun_.

* * *

"Giles!" Anya said brightly into the phone.

"Anya! I wasn't expecting to hear from you…. Is everything alright with the shop?"

"Oh, _please_ don't worry about the money! I've more than doubled our profits since last quarter. But that's not why I called. We want you to come back."

"Right. Well." He paused. Anya imagined he was polishing his glasses. "It's not … surely it can't be an apocalypse: it's October. Why do you want me to come back?"

"Willow did a resurrection spell and brought Buffy back from the dead!"

* * *

Buffy had lucked out, finding a vampire nest after only a few minutes of wandering around Sunnydale memorial. Then she realised she had completely forgotten to bring a stake. _Oh well. Not like I can't just rip their heads off!_ Part of her knew that this reaction wasn't quite … normal … for her. But the other part, the Slayer part, thought that fighting without a stake would be ... challenging. Fun, even.

Shouts of "Slayer!" resounded as they vamps woke up. There were ten, in all. A few minutes in, she'd managed to break the spine of one – effectively removing him from the fray, even if he wasn't dusted – and thrown another into dust onto a handy bit of broken furniture – _why_did_they always seem to have make-shift stakes lying around in nests? Are vampires naturally both un-clumsy and death-wish-y?_ The other eight were closing around her, several with weapons.

A voice inside of her was saying that this was risky, that she might not be able to get out of this. Another part was excited, almost bouncing with the joy of the violence to come.

They threw themselves on her all at once. None of them were used to fighting in a group, so were hitting each other almost as much as her. She was able to rip out the throat of one of them within seconds – a fighting technique she found she liked even better the second time around – but she took a blow to her body while she was doing it.

"No touching!" she yelled. She could feel her conscious mind retreating, letting the Slayer take control again. Her elbow connected with a nose, snapping back the head and knocking the vampire unconscious, while a spin kick knocked another across the crypt and into a wall, breaking his neck. Only five fighting now.

Spike came into the crypt just in time to see her rip off an ear with her teeth.

"Not fair, Slayer! You're fighting dirty!" one of the vampires called out.

She cocked her head, a grin splitting her face from ear to ear. "Not dirty. Dusty!" She punched the complaining vampire's chest, straight through his bones, and pulled out his heart.

"Pretty," she said, as she crushed the heart into dust; the vampire following soon after. The remaining four – including the earless wonder – started looking terrified about that point. Sure, the Slayer was the bogeyman to vampire-kind, but … this was _excessive_. Out of the vampires she'd taken out, only two were actually dust. _This_Slayer was known for her puns and her humane kills. What she was doing now, especially with the _smiling_, was just … creepy.

Two turned tail and ran – straight into Spike, who _had_brought a stake – and were quickly dusted.

Buffy growled, her eyes feral, as she launched herself at the brave ones. She fought them slowly, playing with them and delivering as much pain as possible. By the time they were gone, she was covered in blood and dust.

Spike had long ago staked the immobilised vamps, and was lounging against the wall, watching her.

She turned towards him, eyes still lost in the fight. _She doesn' recognise me_, he realised.

Buffy stalked towards him, licking the blood off her lips. "Vampire," she growled.

"Slayer … Buffy … you remember Ol' Spike, don't you?" he said nervously. Magnificent as it was to watch her take out a nest on her own without a stake, he really didn't want to join them in dustiness. _Not bein' able to fight back is gettin' really fuckin' old._

She grinned again, cocking her head. "Bring it."

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit._

* * *

"I've got it!" Willow said.

"Is it Gozer?" asked Xander. Anya smacked him. "What? We could totally take Mr Stay Puft."

"What demon is it, Sweetie?"

"It's not a demon at all. It's … it's a manifestation of dark magic, that comes from using the urn of Osiris."

"So we really _did_make it happen," Tara said. _We should never have brought Buffy back_.

"Newton's laws might not be true for physics, but they still kinda work for magic," Willow said. "For every action, there is a reaction. If we use the urn of Osiris to bring back something good…."

"Then we get something bad, too," Xander finished. "Yay, us."

"Yeah," Willow continued. "But it's all good, because the only way it can manifest is if the good thing we brought back dies. And it needs to do it fast – after 24 hours, it'll just go poof! So, as long as Buffy stays alive until tonight at midnight, all the creepy just goes away on its own."

Anya turned to Willow, eyes glowing green. "Thank you, witch," she growled. Anya dropped to the floor.


	9. Chapter 9

A faint sheen of blood and sweat and dust clung to Buffy's skin. She was panting slightly, her breasts heaving. She stalked towards Spike, her body poised and ready for a fight. He could smell her anticipation.

And her arousal.

If it weren't for the fact that the girl had abandoned her body to the Slayer, it would have been one of Spike's favourite fantasies come it was, he was mostly wishing he hadn't brought a stake to this particular party.

That and willing his cock to shut up and lie down.

Then he was feeling the rush of air kissing his cheek as he dodged her first kick. He was less successful with her follow-up punch, which glanced off his right shoulder, sending his arm temporarily numb.

She was thinking better, this time – not relying so much on instinct – and it was harder to keep out of her reach. Last night, although her movements had been contained and perfect, there had been no imagination, no poetry. Now, though – now she was dancing to that beat only she could hear, all fluid grace and lethal precision.

He joined her dance, following her lead, letting her breath and her eyes tell him where she was going before she even started the movements. He spun away, drawing her in to chase after him, or he pressed into her, no more than a hair's breadth between them and too close for her swinging feet or fists to reach.

_How I love dancing with you._

She was getting frustrated. No matter what she did, she couldn't seem to fully connect; everything was glancing, oblique. And he hadn't touched her, not once. She wanted him to.

Then she noticed the stake tucked into his waistband at the small of his back, mostly hidden under his shirt. The next time his back came within reach, she grabbed it.

As soon as he felt the stake being drawn out, he turned to face her. _This is it. Music's stopped and she's gonna dust me._ She pinned him against a wall, and he closed his eyes, waiting for her to finish him.

But seconds later, he could still feel her breath warm on his face, and when his eyes fluttered open, hers were waiting to catch his gaze. He could see frustrated fury there, and confusion. The tip of the stake was digging into his chest, hard enough to hurt, but not yet breaking the skin. She'd left his arms free, trusting the stake to control him.

"Why won't you fight back?" she growled.

He raised his arm, so he was half cradling her as she pressed the stake into him. He stroked a lock of hair behind her ear, then ghosted his fingers down the length of her neck and along her upper arm until he was almost cupping her elbow in his hand. His not-quite-touches made her skin buzz, every hair standing on end.

"I can't," he said, his eyes soft, still staring into hers.

He made a small pain sound as she pressed the stake in harder.

"Fight me," she commanded, louder, more frustrated.

"I won't," he said, gently, quietly.

"Fight!" she screamed.

"No," he whispered.

And then he could see the Slayer slipping away and Buffy swimming back to the surface of her jade green eyes.

The stake clattered to the ground.

She stared at him in horrified confusion.

"I almost … why did you let me?" she whispered.

"You didn't. That's all that matters."

He ran his hand back up the outside of her arm, moving to cup her face but still stopping just shy of actual contact. All too briefly, she leaned into his palm and the enclosure of his arm. Connecting.

Then she moved away.

"I remember waking up … and wanting to kill something."

He smiled proudly. "You took out eight vampires in less than ten minutes, on your own and without a stake."

"Oh." She looked around, remembering flashes of movement and sensation, but everything was hazy and dream-like. "Go me, I guess." She looked down at her filthy pyjamas and bare feet. "I—" she started, then, tasting blood on her lips, "Ewww … is this-?"

He nodded, grinning now. "Bit someone's ear off."

Buffy was caught between _ick_over her clothes and hair and – _double ick_– mouth, terror over the memory loss, and awed shock that _Spike_ must have been the one who brought the stake. Ick won.

"I think it's time I spent some quality time with Mr Shower. And mouthwash. Definitely _lots_of mouthwash." She started going through everything she remembered from the last 24 hours. Then, looking sideways at Spike, asked, "So do you, like, live with us now?"

* * *

When the Scoobies arrived at Revello Drive to warn Buffy, she and Spike had already left. Dawn – from behind her bedroom door – said they'd gone out for an early patrol and would be back soon. She also told them that she wasn't coming out from behind her barricades until Spike came home.

Dawn worried that mentioning any … oddness … on her sister's part might draw more suggestions that it would be better to just put her back. She was quite proud of her subterfuge: "early patrol" had a nice ring of truth to it, and her heart rate had stayed nice and steady the entire time.

Having no more information to impart – and feeling more than a little ridiculous talking through a locked door – the Scoobies asked Dawn what she wanted on her pizza and went downstairs to wait.

* * *

Buffy burst through the front door, followed by Spike at a more normal speed. She ran straight up the stairs and into her room, without looking around or saying a word.

Spike stopped when he felt the Scoobies staring at him from the living room.

Everyone except Anya was thinking some variation on: _Could he have tried to_do_something to her? He had delusions that he loved her. Were we wrong to trust him?_

Anya was mentally calculating how much revenue she'd lost by closing the Magic Box for the day.

Willow's heart, breaking from Dawn's pointed display of distrust, was feeling particularly protective towards Buffy. "What did you do to her?" she asked, her eyes narrowed with suspicion.

"She got a bit mucky on patrol," Spike ground out. They all heard the shower going on upstairs. "An' she'll tell you that herself once she's done washin' it off."

"Oh," Willow said, embarrassed. "Slayage can get kinda icky."

Spike leaned against the doorframe, really not wanting to join them, but not wanting to leave either.

"Spike!" shouted Dawn from upstairs. "Is that you?"

"Yeah!" he yelled back. "You can come out now!"

Willow cringed internally at his phrasing._It's so unfair I passed out when we got interrupted. Dawnie should have woken up safe at home with no memories of the spell. Stupid demon bikers._

Dawn stomped down the stairs and stood next to Spike. He snaked his arm around her shoulders and pulled her hair.

"Jerk," she said. She swatted his arm and gave him a shove with her hip.

"Brat," he replied, shoving back.

They grinned at each other, and Dawn tucked herself into his side, his arm curling protectively around her. There was a softness to his eyes that he hadn't let out since his turning, and a lightness to hers that everyone thought had left with Joyce.

That was the point at which Xander's whole world shifted on its axis. Even years later, he would still remember every single detail of the scene.

He'd already known that Dawn and Spike were spending a lot of time together, but this was the first time he'd actually seen them together. He had assumed that Dawn becoming functional again had been all down to Willow and Tara. Spike was just … convenient. Important for things like making dinner – _even if he was more of a Nellie Lovett than a Julia Child –_ but definitely not important for the emotional stuff. Only now, seeing this – seeing Dawnie _grinning_ again – he knew in his heart that it had to be Spike who'd made all the difference. _Spike_ made her happy and safe. Xander groaned under his breath. _We make her into a magical zombie and he makes her grin again. Dammit! I_love_hating that guy!_

Seeing how relaxed and easy Dawn and Spike were together, Willow could feel the jealousy and resentment bubbling up to the surface again. The grinning! _Dawnie hasn't smiled like that around me since before Joyce died. She should smile like that with_me,_ not Spike!_Then Willow remembered her guilt, and used it to tamp down everything else.

"Oh, Dawnie!" Willow said, reaching over to a box of store-bought bakery cookies on the coffee table. "I got you cookies: cranberry and white chocolate." She smiled shyly, offering the bag. "I know I didn't bake them myself, but what with the unconsciousness and the researching, I kinda haven't had time today."

Dawn's smile dropped off her face and her eyes went cold. "Spike put a bar on my door so I'd feel safe in my own house. You can't _buy back my trust_with your stupid guilt cookies."

Willow reeled like she'd been slapped.

Just then, a blood-, mud-, and dust-free Buffy came down the stairs and stood in the doorway next to Dawn and Spike.

"Hey guys, what's with all the unhappy faces? Someone die?" She waited a beat, looking at the shocked faces of her friends. "Too soon?"

Not quite sure what to make of the tense silence, Buffy continued into the living room and sat on the sofa next to Willow and Tara. Spike gently nudged Dawn towards the last remaining armchair. She perched on the arm while he sat.

"Since you're all back here," Spike finally said, breaking the silence. "I'm guessin' you've worked out what we've got to kill?"

"Ooh!" Buffy said. "I'm good at killing. What are we killing?"

"Um," Willow said, trying to find her equilibrium again. "Buffy, the spell we used when we brought you back had a, like a 'cosmic balance' clause, so, to equalise the goodness that we brought back into the world with you, it kinda created some evil to come along for the ride. It's just energy, with no physical form of its own, but it can, like, body-snatch, and it's already possessed Dawnie and Tara and Anya, and—"

"And we don't know how to kill it," Anya cut in.

"Yet!" Willow corrected. "We don't know how to kill it _yet_."

"Bloody brilliant," Spike sighed.

"On the bright side," Anya continued. "If it can't kill Buffy by midnight tonight, it'll just disappear on its own."

"B-b-b-but it knows that too," Tara added. "So it's probably gonna be trying to kill her soon."

The doorbell rang. Everyone jumped, startled.

Dawn hopped off the armchair and ran to open the door. Turning back towards the living room, she called out "Pizza's here! Who's got cash?"

"Don't look at me," Buffy said. "I was all busy being dead until yesterday."

The delivery guy laughed nervously. Dawn scowled at him.

Much patting down of pockets and searching of wallets ensued, but none of the Scoobies had more than a couple dollars between them.

"God!" Dawn huffed, rolling her eyes. "Which one of you bozos said we'd pay cash on delivery without checking someone had cash first?"

"Uh, that would be me," Xander said, embarrassed. "Sorry."

Spike sighed and put his face in his hands. "I've got enough to cover it," he muttered. "But I expect to be paid back!" He looked over at Dawn. "Bit?" he nodded in the direction of his duster hanging on the newel post. "Left pocket."

Dawn pulled out the biggest roll of twenties she'd ever seen. She liberated a few and paid the delivery guy. Once the door was closed and the pizzas were on the coffee table, she turned to Spike. "That is _not_poker winnings. What'd you do? Rob a bank?"

"No, I bloody well didn't!" he retorted, offended. Then he grinned. "Would've had much more after a bank job."

Dawn rolled her eyes again. "You _never_ have this much money, Spike. C'mon, where'd you get it?"

Anya opened her mouth to explain, but Spike barked "Shut it, you!" Anya's eyes widened and her mouth snapped shut. Now it was her turn to roll her eyes.

"Hey, you can't talk to Anya like that!" Xander said.

"I'll talk any way I damn' well please!" He looked over at Dawn. "'S all legal 'n' above-board, Pidge. Swear." He glared at Anya again.

"Mmmm, pizza!" Buffy said, forcing a grin onto her face. "Let's eat."

They managed an uneasy silence through the first few slices.

"I'm getting a soda," Xander announced, finally. "Anyone else want?"

Willow and Tara's hands shot up. Anya and Dawn shook their heads.

"Beer for me. As you're getting' up," Spike said, face perfectly bland, but clearly spoiling for an argument.

Xander nodded in assent, clenching and unclenching his fists, chanting, _Must stop hating Spike_ over and over in his head.

"Beer would be good," Buffy said.

They all stopped and stared at her.

"But … but you _hate_ beer, Buffy," Willow said. "You're all 'beer bad' and, and … 'alcohol and Buffy are unmixy things'."

"Root! I meant root beer," Buffy covered. "Did I not say the root part out loud?" She forced out another smile. It hurt her face. _Silence is easier_. _I'll just stop talking now_. She stared at her hands. _Nails are growing back._ _Huh._

Everyone kept staring.

"Ookay, Buff. One root beer, comin' up," Xander said, watching Buffy's face carefully for signs of imminent mental breakdown. He looked over at Willow. "Do you even _have_root beer?"

Willow shrugged and looked at Tara, who nodded thoughtfully. "I _think_there's a can in the fridge, at the very back."

Xander saluted, and went into the kitchen to get the drinks.

"So," Willow started. "I have some ideas for how we can keep Buffy safe until midnight."

Tara smiled at her encouragingly.

"There's this really great protection spell – it invokes the elemental power of earth to just surround a person so nothing and nobody can get at them."

Xander was looking straight at Buffy as he came back through from the kitchen, so he saw her full-body flinch at Willow's words. But Willow had turned away slightly – towards the rest of the group – and she missed it entirely.

Spike swallowed a growl, watching Buffy close her eyes and concentrate on taking slow, controlled breaths. He could smell her fear. It was like sickness, rolling off of her in waves. He'd only smelled fear on her once before: when Glory took Dawn. And even then it hadn't been this strong.

"Uh, Will, maybe _surrounding Buffy with earth_is not so much of the good right now," Xander said hesitantly.

Willow made a half-whimper, realising the implication of what she'd said. "O-of course! No surrounding! Um, there's another elemental protection spell – an air one – that could work."

Xander passed cans to Tara and Willow, and a bottle to Spike. He put the root beer on the table near Buffy.

"Buffy's the Slayer," Dawn said scornfully. "Why would she need a protection spell?"

"She doesn't," Spike said. He caught Buffy's gaze and held it. "Slayer can take anyone in this room, includin' me." Buffy almost smiled at him. The fear smell was starting to dissipate.

"Oh, I know she doesn't _need_ protecting," Willow faltered. _I just thought it might be_nice _for her, being protected for once. Let_us _do the fighting for_her_sometimes._

Tara took Willow's hand in hers. "I'm sure there'll be other times when we'll need spells like those."

"Uh, yeah. Sure," Willow said, trying to smile.

"So do you have other ideas, or was that it?" Anya asked.

"Ahn," Xander said. "Be nice!"

"Well I don't want to be possessed again! And I don't see how a protection-from-harm spell for _Buffy_will keep _me_safe."

"Oh, an elemental spell wouldn't protect anyone from possession," Tara said, "because that's not _harm_ in and of itself. All the really old magic is kinda tricksy that way."

"Yeah," Willow said. _I didn't know that. How did Tara know that? Is she doing magic without me?_ Willow started feeling slightly sick.

"'Kay Wills, what else have you got up your magical sleeves of power?" Xander asked.

"I, um, I had this idea about how we might be able to make the evil thing corporeal. Then we could just regular-kill it."

"That sounds promising," Tara said. "What's the spell?"

Willow brightened a little. "Well, it's based on some old Hebrew stuff I was reading last month about golems—"

"NO!" Anya shouted. "Golems are a bad, bad idea." She shuddered. "If the summoner isn't perfectly pure, they get violent. And not creative, fun, violent either, just endless destruction violent. _And_they're really hard to kill."

"Ookay, so that's a no to the golem idea, then," Xander said.

"I wasn't going to make a golem!" Willow said.

"Good," Anya replied.

"Maybe we should try to find a non-magical solution," Tara suggested quietly.

"Nothing's happened since it took over Anya at the Magic Box, and that was, what, four hours ago?" Xander looked around. "Maybe it's given up."

"Yeah right," Dawn scoffed. "What Hellmouth did _you_grow up on?"

Then the power cut out.

Tara turned around to look out past the curtains. "It's just us. All the other houses on the block still have lights."

"Xander!" Anya hissed. "Maybe you shouldn't have suggested that _the manifestation of evil_ gave up."


	10. Chapter 10

With the curtains drawn and the lights out, no one but Spike could see more than an inch in front of them. Dawn whined softly, grabbing onto his hand. _Can't we please have a break from the creepy soon? I don't want to be frightened any more._

"This is all your fault, Xander," Anya said furiously. "It thinks it has something to prove now!" Anya hid her face in his shoulder. _The dark's not so frightening if I choose not to see._

The house shuddered with something that felt like a sonic boom, then it started pulsing with a heavy baseline so deep it was below even vampire hearing. But they could all feel it, their insides resonating with each pulse.

Anya and Xander were clinging to each other for dear life. Willow and Tara were in a similar position. They all reeked of fear. Buffy sat perfectly still, alone, at the opposite end of the sofa, her hands on her lap. She was completely calm, no trace of fear. _Battle-ready_, Spike thought.

"The walls are bleeding," Spike said softly. "Smells like … human." He could feel bloodlust beginning to rise, but years of living with the chip and fighting alongside the Slayer made it easy to suppress. The blood faded from the walls along with the last of his bloodlust. _Not a_totally _stupid idea, you wanker. But it won't work on me._

"Anyone we know?" asked Buffy blandly.

_What the fuck?_

Spike just stared at her for a second. "No."

_Are you still with me, Love?_"Buffy?" he asked tentatively.

Before she could answer, a green light suffused the room.

It was coming from Dawn.

Spike felt a change in her pulse where her wrist lay against his. It stuttered, stopped, then re-started – but arrhythmically, like it was being consciously controlled. Everywhere his skin touched hers felt suddenly dirty, tainted. Pure evil stank from her pores.

Destroy-the-world-just-to-watch-it-burn evil. Dawn wasn't in control of her body anymore.

She stuttered to a stand, as if drunk. "This vessel is small and undeveloped," a raspy voice sang out. It wasn't Dawn's voice, and it was slightly out of sync with the movements of her lips, like a bad overdub in an old kung fu film.

Glowing green eyes stared at Buffy, lips twisted into a grin. "Is she _your_ child?" the voice asked gleefully. Dawn's head lolled to one side as the thing inside studied Buffy's reaction, "Will you hurt her to protect yourself?" The grin shifted into a smirk. "Listen to her noises of pain!"

Dawn's terrified eyes showed through the glow, just long enough for her to let out a whimpered "Buffy?" in her own voice, before the green took over again.

Buffy knew she _should_be feeling fear right now, but she wasn't. Not even for Dawn's safety. This felt like parlour tricks, trying to get inside their heads. It wasn't actively hurting anyone. _She_was the one it wanted dead. And she really couldn't bring herself to care very much about that. Her body might be fighting to survive, but her mind was still yearning to go back.

Dawn's body jerked forward, towards Buffy. "Oh, the _power_in this one! Not sure how to tap into it … yet. Once you're dead, I think I shall make my home in her permanently. Such _delicious_skin." Dawn's tongue flicked out and circled around her lips. Then the innocence of her features melted into jaded dissipation as she licked slowly and languorously along the vein of her right arm.

Xander didn't think he'd ever be able to scrub that image out of his soul. Anya was still hiding her face, and he was grateful. No one should ever see a child with that look on her face.

The air was getting heavier, harder to breathe, as the stench of evil continued to pour out of Dawn's body and the steady strumming base pounded deep into their bones. As the humans in the room breathed in each other's fear, it multiplied, blossoming in their hearts and minds until their limbs became heavy and weak and despair took hold.

A giggle broke out of Dawn's lips. Still not Dawn's voice, but … somehow ... the laughter sounded more like her than the voice did.

Spike was thrumming with contained violence. He understood scare tactics too well to be affected by the nonsense going on around them. His mind was racing, trying desperately to think of a plan. But he couldn't hurt Dawn's body, and he had no magic to attack the thing inside her. All he could do was wait. _Jus' 'til midnight_, he kept telling himself. _Then it's over._

The glowing green eyes stared at Buffy hungrily. "I wonder what _your_blood tastes like. I bet it's sweet, like a ripe, juicy peach." Dawn's arms drew around her belly, rubbing at it like it ached. "I'm soooo hungry," the voice whined. Then her hands dropped lower, rubbing between her legs, hips jutting forward in time with her hand. "Mmmmm peaches."

Tara thought she was going to throw up. But her body felt so weighed down, so hopeless, she wasn't sure if she even had the energy to bend over. She tried to force her heavy limbs into more contact with her girlfriend. Willow was powerful. Willow wasn't afraid of magic. _If I can just keep hoping, maybe Willow will feel it, and she can be strong for the both of us._

Willow was losing herself to the darkness. She'd been struggling to pay attention to her surroundings ever since she heard the pulsing, throbbing beat. It called to something inside of her, something she knew she really shouldn't let out, but it felt _so good_. Like Christmas morning and rich gooey chocolate and the best orgasm she'd ever had all rolled up into one big ball of ecstasy. Her fear and her guilt, concern for her friends – even love for her girlfriend – they all just floated off somewhere far, far away, and she couldn't even remember what they felt like anymore. She was locked inside her secret place, where there was nothing but pleasure so intense it was almost pain and the whispering promise of untold power that could all be _just for her_ if she would only give in.

She hadn't given in yet, but she was close.

"Enough warm-up," Buffy said, genuinely starting to be bored. "Do you want to kill me or what?"

Dawn's face split into a wide grin, and she ran at Buffy, screeching, hands curved into claws.

Buffy caught her wrists.

And held her off.

Very, very easily.

It was almost … funny.

"So, um, Mr Evil Guy? I think you're gonna need to add a dose of super-strength to your 'vessels' if you ever want to make good on those threats," Buffy said, a crooked smile flickering across her lips.

Dawn's body was hissing and spitting now, fighting as hard as it could to break free. But a non-athletic fifteen-year-old was no match for Slayer-strength, and Buffy barely had to try to restrain her sister's body.

Spike moved to stand with them, and he and Buffy shared a small smile of relief over Dawn's head.

"That was anti-climactic," he said. "All that foreplay, and the main event didn't even last five seconds. Bet the Slayer here can keep goin' all night, too." He winked at Buffy.

Dawn stopped struggling, the glowing green eyes fixing themselves on Spike. "Don't mock, vampire. There are other vessels." Then the lights in her eyes went out, and Dawn slumped into Buffy's arms. Buffy turned and gently laid her out on the sofa.

"How long does the sleepy last?" she asked.

"Not long," Xander said.

The air became a little less heavy. But without the green light, the room was completely dark again.

"I feel better," Anya said, face still pressed into Xander and eyes shut tightly. "Is it dead?"

The green glow came back.

"Um… guys?" Xander said. "I think it's found a stronger vessel."

Spike's eyes were now glowing green.

"B-b-but his chip!" Tara stammered. "H-he can't hurt us, right?"

"He could still get a lot of damage in before it stopped him," Xander said. "Especially if that thing inside him isn't feeling the pain…."

"No!" cried the voice from Spike's body, deeper now it had a different set of vocal chords. Spike shut his eyes, plunging the room back into darkness. His whole body was shaking like he was attached to a live wire.

The chittering noises they'd heard at the tower last night came back, louder and scarier.

Buffy put her hand out to touch him, and felt _things_ moving under his skin. She tried to grab at them, but even she couldn't win demonic whack-a-mole without being able to see.

Not one of them could see a thing.

Spike's shaking became more violent, and he fell back onto the coffee table, breaking it with a resounding crack, sending drinks and food to the floor. He was thrashing around wildly now, scrabbling for traction, trying to regain control.

His chip was firing nonstop at the evil trying to take up residence in his head, and he'd never been in so much pain. But if he knew anything, it was how to fight demons. Especially the ones in his own head.

They heard one booted foot slam into the wall, breaking through the plaster. Then one of the chairs went airborne. Buffy felt the air moving, and was able to swat it away before it could hit anyone, but she sent it straight through the window, showering Willow, Tara and Dawn with broken glass.

"Yield!" Spike's invader growled out of Spike's throat.

The thrashing was starting to get weaker, quieter. The pain was taking its toll.

Dawn struggled back to consciousness. Trying to rub her face, she cut herself on the glass. The tang of her blood in the air was like a jolt of adrenaline for Spike. He found energy reserves he didn't know he had.

"Get. Out. Of. My. Fuckin'. Head!" his true voice finally screamed out. His whole body was arched into a bow, every muscle and tendon straining with effort and pain.

Then he went completely limp.

The air lightened even more, and hope began to bloom in the human hearts. He'd won.

"Spike?" Dawn whimpered, sitting up.

"Careful, Dawn," Buffy said. "You're covered in glass."

"_Now_is it dead?" Anya asked.

The lights flickered back on.

"I'm guessing it's tired. Or maybe hurt," Buffy said. _Shouldn't Spike be making an innuendo now? I think he used to do that a lot. Maybe he's broken._ She looked over at him. His nose and ears were leaking blood, and he looked unconscious – which meant he looked dead. _But not dust_y_. Maybe he'll make innuendos later_.

"It's only 10:30," Tara said. "It's not gonna be dead until midnight."

Spike groaned. "Oh god, my head." For a moment the pain made him think he was back in the Initiative labs. Then he recognised the shard of broken table he felt sticking out of his shoulder, and remembered where he was. _Not even back 24 hours an' I've already lost count of how many times I've nearly dusted._He smiled to himself. _An' I thought life with Dru was living on the soddin' edge._

Willow blinked owlishly in the light. She felt hung-over and tingly all over, and everything looked a little blurry around the edges.

"Everyone okay?" Xander asked. "I mean, no life threatening injuries or anything?" He wanted into crawl into bed and stay there for a week.

Or, better, crawl into _Anya_ and stay there for a week.

"I've got glass shards in my skin!" Dawn whined. "Ow! Who thought it was a good idea to break the window on top of me?"

"It was either that or braining you with a chair," Buffy said. "I'll make sure to remember your preference for next time."

Dawn gingerly got off the sofa and started trying to brush herself off.

"Can we go home now?" Anya asked. "I'm all covered in fear and evil and powerlessness and I really don't want to be in this room anymore. Also, I really want some oh-thank-gods-we-survived sex before I go to sleep tonight, and if it's already 10:30, that doesn't leave much time because I have to get up at 6."

Xander looked at Anya with true love shining out of his eyes. She glowed back at him.

Everyone else looked _anywhere_but at Xander and Anya.

"Sure!" Buffy said. "Why don't you go do that, then."

Xander and Anya managed not to run out the door. Just.

"Spike?" Dawn called out again. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He moaned, trying to sit up and failing. He was dizzy and shaky and his bones felt like limp noodles. It really didn't help that he couldn't see for all the bright white spots. "Bugger!"

"I'm going to open more windows. The air in here is … not healthy," Tara said. Her nausea was fading, but she kept her movements very slow and careful.

Willow was staring at her hands, trying to remember where she had been during the blackout. Something _important_ had happened. But she couldn't remember exactly what it was. There was a choice, or something like a choice, but … it was like trying to hold on to dream logic after the alarm went off. Nothing made sense.

"Hey," Buffy nudged Spike's hip with her toe. "You need help getting up?"

He nodded, which just made the white spots multiply. Buffy took his hands in hers and pulled. He nearly threw up from the motion. Then the white spots filled his vision entirely.

"I'd put you on the sofa," Buffy said, "Only it's kinda covered in glass right now."

"I'm up," Spike said. "Up is good."

His knees buckled.

To stop him from falling, Buffy threw her arms around his chest and he threw his around her shoulders. They swayed, drunkenly, for a moment.

"There now," he murmured. "Always better when we're dancin'," and passed out.

"Help!" Buffy said, suddenly top-heavy with Spike.

Dawn ran over and ducked under one of his shoulders. "I've got this side," she said. The two girls struggled until they had his balance distributed – Buffy still taking most of the weight.

Then Spike woke up.

"'M okay!" he said, straightening and settling his weight over his own feet. He ruffled Dawn's hair, only slightly leaning on her as he did it. "Brain's a bit fried. Be fine in a tic with a spot of blood."

He staggered into the relatively-unscathed dining room and collapsed into one of the chairs. The world was still spinning and _holy fuck!_ his head hurt.

Buffy followed Dawn into the kitchen, and watched her empty a bag of blood from the fridge into an oversized mug - _they make mugs that big? -_ and put it into the microwave.

_He really lives here, just like he said he did. Huh_.

When the microwave pinged, Dawn put a handful of Weetabix into the mug, and then a dash of some spice Buffy didn't recognise. Then she ran back into the living room, and practically forced it down Spike's throat.

"Are you fine now?" Dawn asked anxiously. _Please be alright. I really, really, really can't handle it if you're not._

Spike could feel the blood infusion starting to knit things back together in his head. The pain wasn't going away, but at least he could see now. Mostly. Almost. "How many times do I have to say it, Niblet? 'M always gonna be fine 'less I'm dusty."

"I know," she whined. "I just…."

"I know," he said, pulling her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her, and kissing the top of her head. "'S alright. I'm not goin' anywhere. Never gonna leave you."

Dawn closed her eyes and let him comfort her.

Buffy suddenly felt she was intruding. And … something else….

_Isn't Spike … mine?_

Shaking off any thoughts of _owning_a vampire – that was the way of very, very bad thoughts – Buffy wandered over to the sofa, where Willow was still sitting in a daze.

Buffy only just remembered the glass in time to stop herself from sitting down next to her.

"Hey, Will," Buffy said. "How ya doin'?"

"Oh, you know," Willow said, nodding sagely. "It's all good."

"Maybe you shouldn't be sitting in broken glass, Will," Buffy suggested.

"Oh! Yeah!" Willow said, standing up. She was shaky, but she managed it. "Where's Tara?"

"I think she's opening all the windows and doors to get the stink of evil out," Buffy said.

"Good call," Willow replied.

They stared at each other for a while.

Then Willow's eyes glowed green.

_Shit._

"This vessel has powers beyond my wildest dreams!" cried the voice.

And then Tara was there, holding the wrong end of one of Buffy's axes. She cracked it over Willow's head, rendering her – and the traveller – unconscious.

"Nobody messes with _my_girl," she said.

"Nice axing," Buffy said.

"My first," Tara replied, smiling widely and proudly.

Exhausted all, the girls started making their way upstairs.

Tara struggled carrying Willow up by herself. Spike, Buffy - even Dawn - had offered to help her, but she wanted to take care of Willow herself.

Usually Willow was the strong one in their relationship. Tara felt proud that she could be the strong one this time.

Plus, since she had hurt Willow's body, she wanted to be the one taking care of it.

Spike followed Tara upstairs, extra security in case she ever struggled. He was quietly surprised that she never needed his help.

He said goodnight to Dawn in her room – like he did every night – but instead of going straight back down to his room in the basement, he found himself loitering in the hallway outside Buffy's room.

_She needed me last night. Will she even_want _me tonight?_

Buffy came out of the bathroom and saw Spike waiting outside her bedroom door.

Her heart quickened as she came nearer to him.

"Do you want me to stay?" he asked, finally.

She looked up at him with wide eyes.

_She doesn't know what she wants, either._

"I'm not…." _Ready?_

"I'm not gonna push you, pet. I can just sit in the chair and watch over you if that's what you want."

The tension flowed out of her. "_Yes_. Thank you," she said.

He followed her into her room, shutting the door behind them. She crawled under the covers, watching him as he drew the chair alongside the bed. She inched closer to the edge, close enough to touch, but not making any attempt to do so.

She smiled up at him, and closed her eyes. Within seconds, her heart and her breath told him she was asleep.

_Such trust._

_But still only 11:00. Doubt very much that bastard is done for the night._


	11. Chapter 11

Spike had just taken his boots off when the phone rang. Buffy didn't stir, so he just listened while Tara got up and padded downstairs to answer it.

"Hello?" he heard her say quietly.

Then, "I'm pretty sure she's asleep. I d-don't want to wake her."

_Wonder who the hell that is, ringin' this late. Gotta be either the Great Forehead or the Watcher. Anyone else'd wait 'til mornin'._

"Tomorrow afternoon? Really? I can't believe you managed it," Tara said.

Another pause. "Willow and I have a heavy day, so we won't be around 'til after dinner. But she will be, definitely. And Spike, once he wakes up."

A very long pause. Spike grinned to himself. _Somebody doesn' like _that _very much._

"Yes, really. For months."

"No."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Well maybe if you'd stayed, we wouldn't have needed him to!" Tara almost shouted.

_Watcher, callin' from the airport, I reckon. _

_An' they're admittin' to _needin' _me now?_

"Fine. See you tomorrow."

Tara hung up, and dragged herself back up the stairs. _Wait, did I just _defend _Spike? _When she reached Buffy's bedroom, she paused.

"Spike? Are you in there?"

He got up from the chair, and opened the door very slightly.

She smiled, weakly. _How did we get here? He's spending the night in Buffy's room, watching her sleep, and we're letting him do it. Encouraging him, even! We used to freak and call him a stalker when he just sat outside her window and smoked all night._

"That was Mr Giles," she said. "He's about to get on a plane,"

_Ha!_

"He'll be getting into LAX around noon, then he's going to get a rental and drive straight here, to the house. I … I just thought you should know."

Tara twisted her fingers together, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. In all these months, she could count on one hand the number of times she'd actually had a conversation with Spike. When they needed to communicate, they left each other notes. Or they asked Dawn to pass on messages. It felt weird, having this very normal conversation with him, at Buffy's bedroom door. Like they were just regular people who lived together.

Spike would have appreciated the gesture, once. As it was, he was still angry about Dawn, so he just grunted out "Ta for lettin' us know," and closed the door gently but firmly in her face.

He turned around to see Buffy wide awake with the cuticle knife in her hand, poised to slit her own throat. Her eyes glowed green.

_Oh for fuck's sake. Why won't you just stay down?_

* * *

Giles sat rigidly in the departure lounge, his mind racing. _Spike_ was living in the house. Spike!

The last time he'd seen the vampire was at the bottom of the tower. Giles was slightly ashamed to admit it to himself, but he hadn't thought once about him since then.

_Why on earth is he still hanging about? Without Buffy to feed his disgusting obsession, what could be keeping him in Sunnydale?_

Giles suddenly felt sick. Dawn was about to turn fifteen. Almost exactly the same age Buffy had been when Angel had come into her life.

_Dear Lord. Could he have transferred his affections?_

_No, Tara would have said something if that's what was happening. She said he hasn't tried to hurt any of them yet._

_What can he possibly be playing at?_

Giles rubbed at his eyes with the heel of his palm. _Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. We'll stop him somehow._

_Now that Buffy is back._

* * *

Spike dove for the bed, knocking the knife out of Buffy's hands before it could do more than just break the skin. The first tendrils of the scent of her blood curled into the air.

The thing inside of Buffy twisted her face into a snarl. Spike's hands were locked around her wrists as they rolled around the bed, each trying to gain control.

"I will destroy this body," the voice grated out of her lips.

"You bloody will not," Spike grunted.

They fell off the bed with a thud. Buffy landed straddled on Spike and started to squeeze her knees around his chest, constricting his lungs.

"I'm a _vampire_, you pillock!" he gasped out with the last of his air. _Breathin's sodding optional!_

Tara heard the thud from the hallway. "Buffy?" she called out tentatively. "Everything all right in there?"

Spike got his feet under him and thrust up, managing to reverse their positions. He held her wrists over her head, his hips pressing her down into the floor. _Almost…._

Worried when she received no answer, Tara opened the door. She gasped. _Is he-? _"What are you doing to her?!" she cried, looking around for a weapon. Grabbing the lamp off the bedside table, she brought it down on Spike's head.

"_Ow_!" Spike bellowed.

The room was plunged into darkness, the only light coming from the hallway.

_And from Buffy's eyes! _Tara was horrified when she realised what she had done. "Oh goddess, Spike, I'm so sorry!" She backed out of the room, wringing her hands.

But the damage was already done. Tara's distraction had been enough to allow Buffy's body to wriggle out from beneath Spike.

She snatched up a shard of broken lamp and started sawing along the vein at her wrist. The scent of her blood flooded the air.

Spike went straight into game face.

"No!" he growled, grabbing hold of her wrists again. But the one she'd managed to cut open was now slick and slippery with blood, and he couldn't keep hold of it.

"I'll get bandages," Tara said, running for the first aid kit downstairs. _This is all my fault. He had her under control before I came in._

"The heart beats so _fast_," the voice rasped. "All that delicious blood pumping out. Don't you want to taste it?" Buffy's wrist jerked in front of Spike's face, rubbing the wound against his lips.

He snarled. _God, the taste! Power and life and sex_. _Almost forgotten the rush of Slayer blood_. He shuddered, his tongue lapping at the wrist pressed to his face. _Shagged Dru for two days straight last time._

Unable to stop himself, he ground into Buffy, desperate for friction. Her body went still under him, the thing inside sure it had won, that the vampire would drain the body dry.

But Spike never let his fangs touch her, and he could feel the blood flow slowing down as the coagulants in his saliva and Buffy's Slayer healing combined. With just a few sips, he felt giddy, almost giggly, and _fuck! so hard it hurt_. All his injuries were healed and he was buzzing with energy.

He could feel a scab forming, and the desire to suck just a little bit harder – to let more of her luscious blood flow out of her wrist and into his mouth – was almost irresistible. Almost.

He let go of her wrist with a soft pop.

"Was it good for you, pet?" he snickered.

The thing realised the wrist wound was no longer bleeding. Enraged, it reared back and head-butted Spike.

Still a bit fuzzy from afterglow, he rocked backwards, letting go again.

Buffy sprang to her feet, and punched the mirror over the vanity, shattering the glass.

As she scrabbled to open her jugular with a mirror shard, Spike decided he needed to follow Tara's lead and just knock Buffy out. Bracing himself for the pain, he drew back and punched her full-force in the face.

His chip didn't fire.

He was so shocked he just let Buffy slump to the ground. He dropped out of game face.

_Chip didn't fire_.

He heard Tara coming up the stairs, and immediately started feigning pain, clutching at his head and letting himself fall to his knees.

_Did it get fried completely tonight? Am I … free? _

Still in a daze, Spike sat on the floor while Tara pulled the unconscious Buffy up into a sitting position against the bed, brushing glass out of her pyjamas, wiping her fist with antiseptic, and finally putting a bandage on her wrist. Tara gave him a long hard stare when she saw how clean the wound was and how much it had healed, but she said nothing.

"It's midnight," Tara said, finally. "It's over."

"Right," Spike said. "Good." _Is _everything_ over? If I'm not chipped anymore…._

Buffy came to with a whimper. She grabbed onto Tara's wrist, making the other girl wince, eyes tearing from the pain.

"Is it dead?" Buffy asked, gasping, trying to figure out whether she was happy or disappointed that she was still alive.

"It's dead," Tara said, trying to pull out of Buffy's death-grip.

Buffy leaned back against the bed and closed her eyes, finally letting Tara go. A shudder sped through her body. Then a sob. _I am so tired of fighting to stay alive. It hurts. _She wrapped herself around her knees, burying her face and letting the tears take over.

Tara wanted so much to comfort her, hug her, something. But she was worried her wrist was broken, and she was exhausted and anxious. She settled for laying her good hand on Buffy's shoulder and squeezing gently.

Spike watched them. _Could drain her dry right now. She's weak an' scared – wouldn' fight back._

_If I wanted to._

The taste of Slayer blood turned bitter in his mouth and his stomach lurched queasily.

_Don' think I could survive her dyin' again. _Know _Dawn couldn't._

Buffy's sobbing was getting worse, memories of being in the coffin merging with being unable to control her own body. _Trapped. _"Dark," she whimpered. _Need to get out_.

Spike staggered to his feet and turned on the overhead light.

"No more darkness, Love."

_Chip doesn' matter. Not now. Made my choice. No goin' back._

He walked over to where Buffy sat huddled on the floor and scooped her up into his arms. He looked over at Tara. "You go on to bed. 'Ve got it from here."

Tara nodded, grateful, and gingerly got to her feet. "G'night," she said, leaving the room and shutting the door softly behind her.

"Shhh, Sweetling," Spike murmured, nuzzling his cheek in Buffy's hair. "You're safe now. I've got you." _Still can't stand to see you hurt. My strong girl._

Buffy curled her fingers into his shirt. There was light behind her closed eyelids. She wasn't in the dark anymore.

He pulled back the cover and laid her down on the bed. She was still crying, but more quietly now, her knees drawn up to her chest, and her fingers still clutching at his shirt.

"Stay," she whispered. _Make me feel safe again._

He lay down beside her on the bed, gently shifting both of them around until he was lying at her back, surrounding her. She could feel his erection jutting into her, but his whispered, "'M sorry 'bout that. Only a man," made her smile. He didn't _expect _anything from her. It felt so freeing. Easy, when everything else was hard.

Spike held her while she cried herself into a dozing sleep. She slipped into nightmares a few times, but his whispered reminders that she was safe in her own bed, with all the lights on, made it easy for her to slip back out of them.

He stayed awake all night, just holding her. She was so _warm_, and she smelled so good. And she wanted _him_,there, with her, in her bed. He was awed and terrified and on sensory overload and so turned on he was sure it was only a matter of time before his balls turned inside out and his cock exploded. It was exquisite torture and he wouldn't trade it for anything.

When Spike heard Dawn's alarm going off next door, he reluctantly started pulling himself away from Buffy. "Time for me to go, Love. Gotta get Dawn off to school."

Buffy made a kittenish mewling noise, and curled into a smaller ball. _Bloody adorable, you are. _He slipped out of bed, tucking the duvet back around her.

Her bedroom was a wreck. Vanity mirror and lamp smashed, broken glass all over the floor, furniture shoved all over the place. Spike sighed and stepped into his boots, kicking as much glass as he could away from the side of the bed. _Gonna have to do for the moment._

He left the room, shutting the door softly behind him. Going to Dawn's door, he knocked. _We're buggered if that alarm hasn't woken her up. Can't get in anymore. _"Bit?" he called_. _"You awake?"

"No, Spike," she called back. "I'm sound asleep."

"Tha's alright then," he said. "You gonna have that sugary shite for breakfast? Or do you want somethin' hot?"

"Cereal's fine," Dawn said, coming out of her bedroom.

"Right then," he said, ruffling her hair. "I'm gonna go suss out the damage downstairs. There's nothin' in the fridge for lunch. D'you need cash?"

"Nuh-uh." Dawn shoved him towards the stairs on her way to the bathroom. "Go clean."

"Oi!"

Dawn smirked.

Downstairs looked worse in daylight. There was a hole in the wall the size of a dinner plate. The coffee table was smashed to pieces, and the rug had ground-in pizza and soda all over it. The armchair Buffy had thrown through the window had knocked all the glass out, and was now shredded to ribbons and sitting half-in, half-out of the house.

Most depressingly, a piece of the table was sticking out of the TV.

_Bugger._

He really had intended to start cleaning up, but the armchair had also ripped the curtain rod out of the wall, and now the whole room was bathed in early morning sunshine. He couldn't even get past the doorway.

Spike went into the kitchen. Normally, he'd be making himself a mug of blood about now, but he was still full. He absently started loading the dishwasher. He'd just switched it on when Dawn came in, showered and dressed.

"Guess you're excused from cleaning, huh?" she said, pouring herself a bowl of cereal.

"'S a bit bright for me in there right now." He grinned. "Lucky, innit?"

"Jammy bastard," she tried to mimic his accent.

Spike gave her a pained look. "You promised to stop murdering the accent, pet. That was worse than my attempts at surfer."

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

Dawn stuck her tongue out at him.

"Eat your cereal. Xander'll be here in a minute."

"Fine," she sighed, rolling her eyes. "You going to bed now?"

"In a minute. Gonna grab a shower first." He paused in the doorway to the dining room. "You okay? Drivin' in with Xander?"

Dawn nodded. "I'm pretty mad at him, but I don't think I'm in any danger."

Spike nodded. "Alright, 's your call. But you say the word…."

"I know."

Spike ran his hand over her head and went upstairs.

Just as the Dawn heard the shower going on, Xander came through the kitchen door.

"Hey, you ready to go?" he asked.

Dawn nodded. "Still not talking to you, though."

Xander sighed. "Look, Dawn, what Willow did ... what _we_ did. It was really wrong. Maybe even unforgiveable. It scares _me_. I can't even imagine how scared you must have been."

Dawn looked at him. "It should scare you."

"I know it's gonna take some time for you to trust any of us again, and that's cool. Take as much time as you need. But … I want you to know that I love you like a sister, Dawnie, and … I just … I'm really, really sorry."

"I believe you," Dawn said quietly. "And I get that you weren't exactly in on the decision. But you're right, it's gonna take some time." She straightened her shoulders and picked up her backpack. "C'mon. We should go or I'm gonna be late."

* * *

The shower did not provide anywhere near the relief that Spike had hoped it would.

_Soddin' aphrodisiac Slayer blood._

He went to bed cleaner, but no less hard.


	12. Chapter 12

Buffy, Tara and Willow all woke up groggy and exhausted. After minimal speech and long showers, they gathered in the living room to survey the damage.

"Hoo boy," Buffy sighed.

"Everything is better with breakfast," Tara said. "C'mon. Will and I don't need to leave for another couple hours. We'll eat pancakes, and then we'll clean. It'll be like fun bonding time."

"Please don't tell me that's _ever_worked with Dawn," Buffy said.

"I keep hoping… but no." Tara smiled weakly.

Willow linked her arm through Buffy's, and tugged her towards the kitchen. Buffy was stiff and unresponsive, and didn't return Willow's encouraging smile. _She seems so_sad_. We survived an evil thingy, we should be all triumphant now._

Buffy could sense Willow's disappointment. _I'm sure if I try a little bit harder, I can smile._Buffy grimaced. _Maybe not._

Tara and Willow bustled around the kitchen, leaving Buffy sitting at the counter staring off into space. The silence was awkward, but not entirely uncomfortable.

When they were all seated with plates of pancakes and mugs of coffee, Tara said, "So Mr Giles called last night. He's going to come straight here sometime this afternoon."

Buffy smiled, a real smile. "That's good."

"I'm amazed he got a flight so quickly," Willow said.

"Um," Tara started. "H-how are you feeling this morning, Buffy?"

"Peachy. With a side of keen." Buffy wasn't meeting their eyes. She made a better attempt at a smile, then held up her wrist to Tara. It was still red and angry, but the cut was now completely closed over. "And look ma, no bandages. Yay Slayer healing."

Tara's eyes opened wide. _That was deep enough to kill last night…._

"W-what happened?" Willow asked. _That Tara and Buffy know about and I don't?_

"The traveller made a last-ditch attempt, after you were unconscious," Tara explained. "It p-p-p-possessed Buffy and tried to get her to k-kill herself."

"Oh," Willow said. _Sounds like lots happened while I was unconscious._

"Where's Spike?" Buffy asked. When they didn't immediately answer, she looked worried and confused. "I mean, he really does live here. Right?" _God, conversation is exhausting._

_Why is she asking about Spike?_ Willow wondered. _It's not like she's still all feral-Buffy and needs him to keep her from hurting people._ "Um, in his room sleeping, I guess?" she said. "He kinda fixed up the basement," she added.

_Spike lives in my basement. Not in my bedroom._

Guessing Buffy's real question was 'why wasn't he there when I woke up', Tara said, "Spike gets Dawn up for school in the mornings – makes her breakfast and stuff. I'm sure that's why he left—"

Tara cut herself off abruptly. Willow had told her that Buffy had issues with people leaving, but Tara wasn't sure whether she _officially_knew that. Plus, she didn't know how open Buffy wanted to be about Spike staying in her room. She'd nearly gotten Buffy killed last night by jumping to conclusions; she really didn't want to do it again.

"Oh," Buffy said. _Spike was with Dawn. And is now sleeping. Huh._ Buffy looked down at her plate._Do I need a knife for pancakes?_ She watched Tara and Willow eating. _Not using knives. Just a fork then._ She took a bite of pancake. _I can do this. This can't be harder than pizza._

Buffy managed to eat one pancake. It still felt a little overwhelming. She hoped cleaning would be easier.

"Xander can board up the window later," Willow said as the three women returned to the living room. "And maybe re-plaster the wall."

Buffy went over to the armchair that was stuck in the window, and pulled it out one-handed. "I don't think this is recoverable. Or maybe it could be? You know, re-covered. What do you think?"

Tara looked at the chair. "I think it's a goner. At least one leg is broken."

Buffy carried the chair out the front door, and put it on the curb. Then the TV.

Tara was gathering up the food and pieces of coffee table into a garbage bag.

Willow just stood and watched them. _There's got to be an easier way to do this._ She thought through several possible incantations, and finally decided on one. Whispering under her breath, she released the spell while Tara was putting the now-full garbage bag outside and Buffy was getting out the vacuum cleaner.

All the glass and other debris whirled up and around the room, hanging like mist for a few seconds, before Willow brought it all together into a glittering mini-cyclone. With a small pop, it all dropped into the garbage bag Willow was holding open.

Smiling, she looked up from her handiwork to see Tara and Buffy staring at her from the doorway.

"Willow," Tara said, shocked. "What _was_that?"

"I got rid of all the glass. Neat, huh?" Willow grinned.

Tara gave her a watery smile. "We could have just vacuumed." _This is wrong._

"Yeah, but, hey! This way is much quicker."

"I'm gonna go deal with the mess in my room," Buffy said, taking the vacuum upstairs._Cleaning is uncomplicated. I can do cleaning._

Willow and Tara watched her go.

"Is she okay?" Willow asked. "Was it bad? What happened last night?"

"It was scarier for me than it was for them, I think," Tara said, rubbing at her wrist – still sore, but thankfully not broken. "Spike just restrained her," Tara said, dismissing last night with a wave of her hand.

_Spike!_ _Pfft!_Willow thought.

"But Willow," Tara continued. "That wasn't right, what you did. You can't use magic for _cleaning_."

"Aw c'mon, Baby," Willow said. "It was just a little spell."

Tara sighed. _I shouldn't have to explain this. I really don't_want _to have to explain this. Later. We'll talk about it later, when I'm not so tired._ "Help me take the rug out?"

Willow nodded.

With the rug gone, all that was left was putting the curtain rod back up, plastering the wall and boarding the window – all of which could wait until Xander came with tools.

Buffy came downstairs with a garbage bag and the vacuum.

"All done. Now we just need to buy some new stuff. Who's up for shopping?" _God, the mall, all those people._Buffy shuddered. _But retail therapy is good. I think._

Willow and Tara looked at each other, then at Buffy, both thinking, _she doesn't know about the money_.

"Uh, Buffy," Willow said tentatively. "I know you're still getting back on your feet after…."

"Lying flat on my back?" Buffy said.

Tara and Willow winced.

"Um. Yeah," Willow faltered. "There's some money stuff we have to talk to you about."

"As in, you're almost out of it," Tara added.

"But, I haven't spent any money." Buffy said, confused. "I was all dead and frugal."

"I know, this comes as a bit of a shock after ... a bit of a shock. It caught us by surprise, too," Tara said sympathetically. "Maybe you should sit down."

Buffy frowned, but went to sit on the sofa. Willow and Tara sat down on either side of her.

"Your Mom prepared everything really well," Willow said. "She had insurance. Um. Life insurance."

_Mom_died_. That's why she's gone._Buffy suddenly felt tears welling up.

_She survived cancer, but then she_died_._ _Right here on this couch._

_Can't cry now. Talking. Money. Shopping._ Buffy pulled her spine up straighter, shoving down the grief trying to break free.

"Which should have left you covered," Tara continued. "Except … hospital bills."

"They pretty much sucked up all the money." Willow put her arms around Buffy and gave her a light hug. Buffy was still staring straight ahead, body rigid. "Which you're still kinda haemorrhaging, by the way."

"How'd I do that?" Buffy asked, dazed. _Haemorrhaging is blood. I'm not bleeding anymore. Am I?_ She looked at her wrist. _All healed up._

"Not you," Tara said. "The house. See, this house, just sitting here, doing nothing, in itself costs money."

Buffy started laughing. Willow let go of her, shocked.

Buffy stopped laughing abruptly. _No laughing._"So I'm broke?" Buffy said. _At least it's not evil. And no one else is dead. Except Spike. He's evil_and _dead._

"Not yet," Tara hedged. "But…."

"Shopping for new furniture is definitely not an option right now," Willow said firmly.

"Right," Buffy said. "No retail therapy." Buffy's face went still, and she just stared straight ahead. _I don't know how to do this. Any of it. And they expect me to fix everything._ All she wanted to do was crawl back into bed. Or maybe kill something. _Killing something would be better._

"Um, Buffy, we gotta get to class now," Willow said awkwardly. "Are you okay? Because if you need us to stay, we could maybe skip?"

Tara nodded encouragingly.

Buffy looked up at them. "Huh? Oh, no, I'm fine. You go. Learn stuff." She practiced her fake smile again. It was looking almost natural now. "I'll go to the bank later. They help with stuff like this, right? Loans and … stuff."

Willow grinned at her. _She's getting better._"That sounds great, Buffy!"

"We'll be home late tonight," Tara said. "So, see you then?"

Buffy nodded, losing the energy to keep her smile in place.

Willow and Tara gathered up their things and left.

Buffy just sat there, staring at the spot where the TV used to be, and tried to remember how she used to cope. She was drowning under the weight of expectations. Suffocating. Again. She could feel tears coming.

It was a relief when the doorbell rang. She forced herself to suppress the bad thoughts.

It was so much more of a relief when she realised it was Giles.

They just stood there, on either side of the doorway for a second, staring at each other.

"My God, Buffy," he said. "You're alive. You're here." Then Buffy threw herself into his arms, hugging him as hard as she could. "And you're still" – he grunted, feeling a rib crack – "remarkably strong."

"Huh? Oh. Sorry." Buffy backed off, then hugged him again, only breaking away when his back-patting became frantic from lack of oxygen.

"Anya told me … and Tara," Giles wheezed. "But I didn't really let myself believe…."

"I take some getting used to. _I'm_ still getting used to me." Buffy smiled, shyly. _It is so good to see you again._

"It's ... you're a…."

"A miracle?"

"Yes. But then, I've always thought so." He touched her face. _My Buffy. Alive._

Buffy grabbed the suitcase out of his hand, and pulled him into the house.

"Tea?" Buffy asked, heading into the kitchen. "We have lots."

Giles stared at the assortment of boxes she was pointing at. Every herbal concoction known to man or Wicca, plus Assam, Earl Grey and a box of PG Tips. _Different people live here now._Spike_lives here now._

"PG, please, Buffy." Every time he said her name something within him sang. "So…."

"I can start," she said, putting on the kettle. _Boiling water for tea. I can do this._"How was England?" Her face started to drag around the edges. "How was … life?" _You were alive and I … was not._

"I'm not sure how to answer that. I arrived home. Met with the council."

"Tons of fun." _Didn't we stop working with them? No, they … they came back last year, for something. I can't remember…._

Giles nodded. "Other than that, there isn't much to report. I keep a flat in Bath. Saw a few old friends and almost made a new one, which I believe is statistically impossible for a man my age." He smiled weakly.

"What about Jenny?" Buffy asked, getting out a mug and putting in a teabag.

"J-Jenny?" Giles stammered. Images of roses and the scent of death rushed into his mind. A baseball bat. _Such unbearable pain._

"Yeah, you know, your 'orgasm friend'. Who left because things here were too weird." Buffy tried to make her voice light and teasing, but she had a sinking feeling she'd made a mistake. She'd forgotten something important. _Why did I think it would be funny to ask about the orgasm friend? What's wrong with me?_ Her hands were shaking when she poured the water into the mug.

"O-Olivia, you mean." Giles' heart was stuttering in his chest as he tried to get to grips with what he was hearing.

"Right," Buffy said, trying to smile, stirring milk into the tea. "Olivia. Of course. So," Buffy's voice got very small and scared. "Who's Jenny then?"

"A … an old girlfriend who – who died." _Dear god, she's not…. How much of her memory – this is…._Giles' brain stuttered to a stop.

Buffy passed him the mug of tea. Their eyes met.

"Sorry. My bad," Buffy said. _He knows something's wrong._

"It's alright." _Something's terribly wrong._"Buffy … to return from some unknown level of Hell ... it's only natural coming back would be a process."

She laughed; it was not a happy sound. _Should I tell him?_ "And in the meantime, I'm scaring people." _Almost killed Dawn._

"That may take some time, too." _What did Willow_do_? Was it the interruption? Could she have made a mistake in the ritual?_

"Good. I've always hoped to freak out the people who love me. And not just in the short-term, but you know – as a lifestyle." _Life. My life. Living._

"If it's any consolation, life can get overwhelming even for people who haven't been ... where you have." Giles took a sip of his tea. He didn't taste it.

"I guess, but I don't know, Giles, I mean ... spoons are still weird to me. And I know my … my memory isn't … right." Buffy's voice was breaking. _Please don't make me talk about what I've forgotten._ Her eyes were wide and scared.

_I don't want to push her._"You mustn't put too much pressure on yourself." He sighed. _I wonder how much the others have noticed._ "You've got friends who – I'm sure we all just want to help."

"Sure. Friends." _Who pulled me out of heaven._Great_friends._"They're all real helpful."

"Tara … Tara said that _Spike_was living here now."

"Yeah, that surprised me too. He looks after Dawn." _And me, now, I guess. Nanny Spike._ Buffy suppressed a giggle.

Giles gave her an odd look. "And he's been … behaving himself? Since your return?"

Buffy was unable to hold the next giggle in. "He's been better behaved than me," she said. Giles looked slightly sick. Buffy's face went still and serious. "I wasn't … myself … at first. Spike was the only one who was strong enough to…." she trailed off. "I tried to kill Dawn."

Giles' stomach dropped. "Oh Buffy." _My poor dear girl_. "But, she's alright? I mean…."

Buffy nodded. "Spike stopped me in time." _That time._

Giles nodded. _I never thought I would be grateful for_Spike_. I don't think her mind would have survived had she been successful._ "Anya said there was a manifestation of evil magic, possessions…."

_Sure. Possession._"Yeah, it's been non-stop fun here on the Hellmouth!" She paused. "All the evil is dead now, though." _And I'm still alive._

"Good. That's good." Giles sipped his tea again. "You look tired." _More like exhausted. Broken._

"Nah. Well. All fight and no sleep makes for a tired Buffy. But I'm sure now it's calmed down I'll sleep okay. Great even, except for, you know ... the dreams…." Buffy's eyes were haunted. She started staring into space again.

Giles put down his mug, and gently laid his hand on her shoulder. "You seem to be doing remarkably well under extreme circumstances. I'm proud of you."

_Proud. Huh._"Well, you know, it wasn't me. Willow brought me back. I just lay there."

"Yes. I only meant—"

"I know what you meant. Just a little post post-mortem comedy…." Buffy smiled her fake smile again. _I'm getting better at this._"Anyway, I better get going. I need to go talk to the bank about a loan."

"A loan?"

"One of my fun surprises? Turns out the money mom left me got squandered on luxuries like food and clothing."

_I suppose it would do … the medical bills can't have been cheap._"How bad is it?" _Ha! What a question._

"Willow says bad. I'm kinda taking her word for it. Complex financial issues are … complex, right now."

"Yes. I can imagine they would be." _She couldn't remember Dawn … can't remember Jenny.__Can__she even do this?_

Buffy stared off into the distance again. _I'll get a loan. It'll be fine._She turned to Giles. "I'm glad you're back."

"I'm glad you are too." And it was true, he was, but he was also worried about _what_ exactly was back, and what was … not.

Giles sat finishing his tea, while he listened to Buffy get ready to leave.

_I need a proper drink._

When he heard the door shut behind her, Giles started looking through cupboards. He was pleasantly surprised when he found the bottle of Laphroig. He didn't remember Joyce liking whiskey much, and he couldn't imagine anyone else in the house—

_Spike. This must be Spike's. Because Spike lives here._

Giles filled his glass to the brim.

_This can't be real. She's alive, but she's not back. Spike lives here – saved_Dawn _from_Buffy_. Dawn, who should have died._

Spike watched him take the first sip from the basement doorway.

"'Lo, Rupes. See you've found my stash."

Giles jumped.

"Bit early, though, innit?" Spike smirked. "Don't you know you'll never find anything but trouble and pain at the bottom of a bottle?"

A thousand possible retorts flew through Giles' head, but in the end he opted for the truth. "I just spoke to Buffy. I needed … something."

"So," Spike sighed, no longer in the mood for teasing. "What did she forget?"

"Not what, who. Jenny."

"That gypsy bird Angelus killed?"

Giles nodded, taking another swallow of whiskey. _Whatever his vices, Spike doesn't lie. Not when it hurts more to tell the truth._ "How bad is it? Really?"


	13. Chapter 13

When Buffy left the bank, she found her feet taking her to the Magic Box instead of home.

_Mortgage already worth more than the house. No other assets. No job. No loan._

The bell tinkled over her head. Anya looked up from the counter.

"Buffy! Why are you here? Is something wrong?"

"Yes."

Anya stared at her, getting steadily more anxious as she imagined all of the things that could possibly be going wrong.

_Oh! Waiting for me to talk._ "Willow told me I'm broke," she said. "And the bank says I'm a bad risk."

"Well, you are," Anya agreed, not sure where this was going.

"You're … passionate … about money," Buffy said, realising why she'd come. Anya preened. "What do you think I should do?"

* * *

Spike and Giles were sitting across from each other at the dining room table, bottle of whiskey between them.

"She had to dig her way out of the grave," Spike said, rolling his empty glass between his fingers.

Giles inhaled sharply.

"An' for a while, she … all that was left was the demon essence, the Slayer. Like an animal – all about survival. She took out a whole hellion gang." Spike smiled proudly. "It was somethin' else, seein' that."

"Dear Lord," Giles whispered.

"But Buffy the girl was … hidin', I guess. Too much to cope with."

"A-and her … attack … on Dawn?"

Spike growled. "It was Dawn made her come back to herself again. Buffy thinks she was gonna kill her. She wasn't. _Almost _doin' it snapped her out of it."

"She said you stopped her."

"Would've." Spike stared hard at Giles, daring him to disagree. "Didn' need to, thank fuck_._"

"Right." Giles paused.

Spike poured whiskey into his glass for the first time, and took a small sip.

_This is not the vampire I remember. He's so contained, controlled._

"Buffy said her memories weren't…."

"They're patchy. She said yesterday she only remembers the bad things." He looked straight at Giles. "Almost glad to hear she's forgotten about that gypsy … means the loss isn' so specific." Spike looked away again. "Dunno if it's Red's spell or the … trauma, I guess you'd call it." _Ripped out of heaven. Beyond trauma. _Spike paused. "Whichever it is, she's still going into … like a fugue state … when she feels threatened. An' the nightmares're bad. She's scared of the dark now. Proper scared."

"How do you know about her nightmares?" Giles asked coldly. This_ is Spike. Taking advantage._

"Oh for fuck's sake," Spike said, suddenly exhausted. "_I would never hurt her!_ What do I have to do to prove that to you lot?"

* * *

"I think your first step should be to start charging rent to all the people who live in your house," Anya said firmly.

"Wha-huh?" Buffy said.

"I admit, they have some right to be there because of Dawn. Her care has value. But three adults living in your house for free while you're dead _and _paying all the bills is … well it's un-American."

* * *

"I don't like you, Spike. I never have, and I suspect I never will."

Spike laughed and raised his glass. "I'll drink to that."

"I asked you once whether you'd ever considered that your chip might be serving a higher purpose…. Do you remember?"

"'Course. Was a stupid idea then, 's just as stupid now."

Giles laughed. "And _that_,"he said, pointing his glass at Spike and then drinking it down, "is why nothing you do will _ever _be enough."

Spike growled. "Why are you tryin' to make me into my great lummox of a grandsire? We're no more the same than you an' whatever tweedy bugger runs the Wankers' Council these days. So 'Angel' is after redemption?" Spike sneered. "Fair play to him. Don' see why that makes him so soddin' special. He never made peace with his demon, an' now he pretends there's nothing of Angelus left in him. Oh no! _completely _different soddin' vampire. Well. I could tell you stories – things he's done since gettin' that shiny soul of his – that would make your hair curl. I'm sick and bloody tired of always bein' compared to him. Over a hundred soddin' years of it now! We. Are. Nothing. Alike. Never have been; never will be."

"I don't like him, either, you know," Giles said drily.

"But you trust him, don't you?" Spike laughed bitterly. "More'n you do me, anyway." He downed the rest of his whiskey and poured himself another. "He leaves – 'cause his blessed path of redemption trumps everyone else's needs – an' this makes him noble or some such rot, while _I_ get punished for havin' the temerity to stick around in whatever mess he's left behind. Dunno why I bloody bother."

"Why do you bother?" Giles asked, genuinely curious.

Spike groaned. "For a smart man, you aren't half bloody thick. For love! For _them_. Dru. Joyce. Buffy. Niblet. My _family_. Don' care about any o' the other shite. 'Spect I never will."

"But don't you see? Without that 'other shite', there's nothing to hold you to your so-called family." Giles took a swallow of whiskey. "You can never fully understand what family is, what love is, without a conscience."

Spike laughed again. "Bloody hell, Rupert." He put his head in his hands. "Well, my chip is certainly no conscience. I'll drink to that." He raised his glass and drank. "I'll grant you it was a wake-up call. Made me start lookin' 'round to see what else there was to livin' – to _me_ – that I didn' learn from Angelus or Dru." He looked at Giles thoughtfully. "Do you know what happened to the other vamps they chipped?"

Giles shook his head and emptied his glass.

"They died within days. Some didn' even last hours – couldn't stop themselves from attackin'." Spike looked into his whiskey, and took a sip. "That chip in my head isn't some soul-substitute. It didn't change me. _Buffy _changed me – treated me like a man 'til I wanted to be one. _For her. _Dawn changed me more. Needed so badly to be someone's – _anyone's _– first priority that I wanted to do it. _For her. _Fucks me right off to hear you tryin' to give the credit to some piece of metal lodged in my brain when it was _them_. Beautiful, strong, smart women, who saw what I could be, if they only asked. The chip means _nothing_."

"You never chose to be good."

"You sayin' I had goodness 'thrust upon me'?" Spike laughed, refilling both their glasses.

"You'll never achieve goodness, either, Spike. Not without a soul."

Spike sighed. "I'm not stupid, Rupert. I know that I've never been good enough for any of the women in my life. Not a one of them."

"I'll drink to that," Giles said, raising his glass.

"But I also know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for them, no matter the cost. These last four months, lookin' after Dawn…. Maybe you're right, an' I didn't understand love or family before. But now … she's my first priority, before _everything_. I know every way to cook a vegetable that'll get her eatin' seconds, 'cause I _know _she'd live off of something awful like marshmallow and pickle sandwiches if I let her. I know everythin' she's doin' in school 'cause if I don't keep on top of it, she bloody skips and if she screws up this year, they won't let her do summer school again an' she'll have to repeat."

Giles downed his glass. "My god, you're … you sound like you think you're her _father_!"

Spike refilled Giles' glass. "Maybe I do. You lot were all so busy pretendin' you didn't blame her for Buffy's death you never noticed she was blamin' herself more'n you ever could and she desperately needed you to tell her it wasn't her fault. _Every day _she needed to hear that and no one but me was sayin' it." Spike emptied his glass. "Did you know they sedated her to get her to stop cryin'?"

Giles shook his head slowly, and refilled Spike's glass. "I knew she'd been to see a doctor, but I'm afraid I wasn't really paying attention."

"Exactly! Too busy dealin' with your own grief to deal with hers. Dawn lost her mum an' then her sister, an' she couldn't talk to _anyone _'cept us. You left, Rupes. An' none of the rest of them were ready or willin' to make sacrifices for her. Who did she have left?" Spike downed his drink. "And you say _I'm _the one with no soddin' conscience."

"I'm not sure I would have been any good for her if I'd stayed," Giles said quietly, refilling both their glasses.

"Have you forgiven her yet?" Spike asked.

"I – I hope so."

"I'm not sure you're good enough for them, either."

"I'll drink to that."

They clinked glasses and drank.

"We're out of whiskey, Watcher."

"I bought a bottle of Glenfiddich in the duty free."

"I still don' like you," Spike said, pointing his finger.

"And I _loathe _you," Giles sighed.

"Tha's alright then." Spike smirked as Giles got up to fetch the second bottle.

* * *

"What do you know about art?" Anya asked.

"Um… I know mom had a gallery full of it?" Buffy said, wincing.

"Right. Nothing. Why am I not surprised?"

"I've been busy! With … other things! Like slaying!" Buffy said, annoyed.

"I admit, your life _was _very distracting before you died ... and you're still very young." Buffy was starting to move past annoyed and into irate. "But back to money," Anya said hurriedly. "Before Joyce got sick and started ignoring the gallery, her annual turnover was somewhere around $200,000."

"Okay. Is that good?"

"It's not amazing, but given she wasn't trading with demons or the magical community, it's pretty good for Sunnydale."

"Go mom. Who knew?"

"I did; I'm sure Giles did—"

"Not what I meant," Buffy said, holding up her hands.

"Oh," Anya said. "Anyway, since Joyce only rented her gallery space, all her stock got packed up and put into storage when she died. I'd imagine you're paying a lot of money in fees every month right now, so getting rid of some of the stock will make your life cheaper, even if you only go down one room-size. But more importantly," Anya grinned. "You have assets you can exchange for money."

"Assets are good." Buffy was trying her best to keep her eyes from glazing over_. I wish conversations were just a little bit easier. _"Where does the no-longer-broke-Buffy come in?"

"Well, there are several options, and for each one there's a trade-off between how much money you can make, and how long it'll take to get it."

Buffy took a deep breath. _In, out, breathe. _"What's the way that means I'm not broke anymore?"

"Well the _quickest _way would be to find another gallery owner with a similar set-up, and just sell everything as a job lot. It's almost no work for you, and you might even be able to do it in a few days. Certainly less than a month."

"Which means what in money?"

"Well, I haven't looked it over, but I would guess somewhere in the range of $10-75,000, depending on the pieces and how honest the buyer is."

Buffy sat down. "Wow. That's … a big range … but still a lot of money. Isn't it? I can't even imagine $10,000."

Anya sighed despairingly. "You have no idea how much it costs you to just live every month, do you?"

Buffy shrugged. "Mom always took care of that stuff."

"Okay. You look _awful_," Buffy flinched. "Which I guess makes sense because you were dead two days ago and you've mostly just been killing things ever since. And I'm still not convinced you're back to normal – I don't care what Willow says."

"Was there a point, Anya?"

"Oh. Yes." Anya grinned at her again. "I've decided I'm going to help you. When I close tonight, I'm going to come to your house and look at your bills, and work out what can be cut and how much money you actually need every month. Then I'm going to calculate an amount for Willow and Tara and Spike to pay you if they want to keep living in your house."

Buffy felt her lungs expanding and oxygen flooding her system for the first time in what felt like years.

* * *

"So do any of them know you killed Glory's human host, Rupes?" Spike asked.

"How do you know I—"

"Saw you. Heard you."

"I have no idea if they know." Giles rubbed his forehead. "We've never spoken of it."

"It changes you. Murder."

"Yes." Giles refilled their glasses. "Yes it does."

"So you admit it was murder? I _am _surprised."

"I have never deluded myself that I am a good man."

"The inference bein' that I do?" Spike laughed. "I'm a monster. Nothin' I can do to change that. All I can change is the future. 'S all any of us can change."

"'All I can change is the future'," Giles scoffed. "You're impossible! You've constructed a romantic fairy tale out of an empty, soulless existence – your _love _and _family_. You don't know what sacrifice is."

"I was tortured! I thought I was gonna die. That isn't sacrifice?"

"Withstanding physical pain? The Slayer of Slayers? Pure ego," Giles said venomously. "And dying for 'the woman you love' is just more of your romanticism. It was impressive, Spike, I'll grant you that. But it wasn't sacrifice. Your sense of self remained intact, and ultimately? All you did was buy time."

"Tell us how you really feel, why don't you?" Spike growled.

"Buffy believed it was a sacrifice. I suppose that's what you wanted. Dawn too."

"That's not why I did it." Spike downed his glass.

"You didn't have your presumptions of fatherhood towards Dawn then. You had – have – a disgusting obsession with Buffy that you've convinced yourself is love. Do you really expect me to believe that there could have been any honour in your actions? In you?"

"I stayed, Rupert. You left. You tellin' me your actions were more honourable than mine?"

"You don't deny the disgusting obsession?"

"You're talkin' about the bot."

"That's part of it."

"That was a mistake. I knew it then, as I was doin' it. I thought … I'd run out of hope." He scrubbed his hands through his hair. "She hated me. Hated everything about me. Never saw what I was givin' up, how I was tryin' to change. I thought, if I can never have the real thing, an imitation might just keep me from greetin' the sunrise."

"Bloody romantic nonsense. Don't you dare try to tell me the bot was the only thing keeping you from suicide." Now Giles downed his drink, and refilled both their glasses. "And what do you mean, what you gave up? What did you ever give up?"

"How bloody thick are you? I stopped killin' humans, didn' I? Been baggin' it for more'n two years now. No minions, no thralls. No poison or magic. I've been a vampire for over a hundred years. I'm a soddin' Aurelian, an' I have a fuck of a lot of power." Spike glared at Giles. "Most of which you've never seen – an pro'ly never will – because I would far rather have an honest fistfight than faff about with gypsy tricks an' bloody fright tactics."

"My point exactly! Your sense of romance _demands _these choices. You don't care about honesty, about fairness."

"I keep my word."

"You and Drusilla and your medieval courtliness. That's just as bad! It was a mockery of love."

"It bloody was not!" Spike was really angry now.

"You say you loved Drusilla for a hundred years. What happened then? You woke up one day and stopped? Surely someone who cares as much about love and family as you claim you do, you don't simply _stop _loving someone. Yet you offered to kill her, for Buffy, who you also claim to love."

"Did you kill that doctor because it was the right thing to do? Or did you do it for _her_. For Buffy. To save her pain, to save her from havin' to live with his blood on her hands?"

Giles stopped. "I – I did it for her."

"You ever gonna tell her?"

"I haven't ever thought about it. I … didn't need to."

"Where's the honour, Rupert? You murdered him because you love her and you couldn't stand to see her hurtin'. No more no less. Same as me."

Giles sagged in the chair. "Think what you like, Spike. Whatever your reasons, you are here, living in this house." He laughed. "We're stuck with you now."

"Fuck you! You don't get to go all fatalistic on me just because you're losin' the argument. All the evil done in this world by humans full to bursting with souls—"

"If you're going to mention Hitler, I'll just stake you right now."

"I'd help you! Bloody weak-minded, that is."

They clinked glasses and drank. They sat in silence for a few moments, staring into their glasses.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to control bloodlust?" Spike asked, finally.

"Some."

"Some! he says. Because you've got the mark of soddin' Eyghon? Because you murdered someone by holding your hands over his mouth? You know _nothing_, Watcher. The control it takes to just to stand still in a room full of bleeding, dying humans…."

"Happy meals on legs?"

"If you like to put it crudely." Spike grinned. Giles smiled back.

They clinked glasses and drank. Giles refilled their glasses.

"To be surrounded by all that, when you're injured and hungry, and you know that just a little taste will make everything better. There's a reason a vampire's demon comes with bloodlust. Needs something to overcome the natural reluctance to kill. I remember the Great War. I remember how hard they had to work just to get those sods to kill each other. And they still missed as often as they could. An' played bloody football at Christmas." Spike sat, lost in memories for a moment.

"Romantic!" Giles wagged his finger.

"Sod off. Bloodlust is so strong you lose yourself in it. Lose everything you are or were until there's nothing left but hunger and rage and hate for everything that isn't you. That's why the other vamps couldn't live with a chip. My demon does not control me. Never has. We made our peace with each other a long time ago."

"How is _any_ of that an argument?"

"Because every time I have changed, it was _always _by choice. When Dru made me, I _chose _that life. I embraced it and I made it mine. And when Angelus wanted to destroy the world, I chose again, switched sides. When I couldn't kill humans anymore, I _chose_ to start fighting with you soddin' white hats. _Chose_ to throw my lot in with yours. You think Angelus ever _wanted _this redemption lark?"

"You realise you can't keep complaining about being compared to him when you're the one who keeps bringing him up?"

"You're the one keeps saying I need a soddin' soul! You know any other souled vamps I can talk about, I'll gladly leave him out entirely."

"Fair enough," Giles grumbled.

"Stupid git tried for _months_ to keep on bein' the Scourge of Europe. Was only Darla kickin' him to the curb made him stop tryin'. And _then _he spent the best part of a hundred years eatin' rats and brooding, far's I can tell. Does that strike you as dedication to the cause of good?"

"I dislike Angel intensely. While I accept that the Powers That Be desire his continued existence, I would struggle to mourn his passing."

They stared at each other for a moment, clinked glasses, and drank.

"I chose to switch sides," Spike insisted, refilling the glasses. "I chose."

"_After _betraying us to Adam."

"I hated you! Still do!" Spike took a long drink. "I never claimed to make the _right _choices. But I tried! He didn't! Angelus was pulled kicking and screaming into this do-gooder bollocks. And don't you dare tell me he would've gone along with it if he hadn't wanted Buffy. One look at her an' he was chompin' at the bloody bit. And I'm _so_ much worse'n him because I had to get to know her first?"

"In that respect, we are in total agreement. Angel is a prize-winning pillock who was never good enough for Buffy. May he get boils on his arse and suffer from impotence for the rest of his days."

"Good. Well. Cheers." They clinked glasses and drank.

"You understand, don't you," Giles added, "that I will wish the same on you if you ever, ever touch her?"

Spike groaned. "How is it that nothing I do counts for anything, but everything he does seems to count double?"

"He has a soul, a conscience. He can tell right from wrong."

"You think I can't?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Probably not." Spike sighed, refilling their glasses again. "It hurts. It hurts that no matter what I do, all I ever get is suspicion." Spike turned thoughtful. His eyes narrowed. "But not with Dawn…. None of you lot have ever seemed to have a problem with _that _relationship. Why's that then?"

"She's an ancient green ball of energy."

"She is a fifteen year old girl who eats and sleeps and cries and loves and laughs. You gonna tell me she doesn't have a soul either? We deserve each other or somethin'?"

"The monks said she was human, so I assume she has a soul."

"What's the difference, Rupes? We're both murderers, you and I. There are things in my past that still haunt me, even if I don't regret every kill."

"You just said it! You don't regret every kill!"

"If you had to do it over, would you have killed him again?"

"Yes." No hesitation.

"If you'd known a week earlier, would you have done it then? In cold blood?"

"Yes." No hesitation. _To save her pain. Yes, a thousand times yes._

"We're no different. You can tell yourself all you want that you serve a higher power and that I'm just a hopeless romantic. I say it's love, real love, for the both of us. An' love's the only motivation that _should_ matter worth a damn. And _whatever _you want to call that part of me, it's never changed, no matter what choices I've made. You need to choose yourself, Watcher. You tell Buffy to kick me out, she will. I'm only there on sufferance because they all know someone needs to be there with Dawn. Now Buffy's back, they'll be howling for me to go soon enough. So you gonna start trustin' me?"

"I honestly don't know. This is not a conversation I ever thought I'd have. You are a very … unusual … vampire."

"Don't think you've ever gone this long without telling me to shut up before."

"Shut up, Spike."

Spike laughed. "And all is right with the world again."

"You know, I think I might actually prefer you to Angel."

"Don't go overboard with the praise, Rupes. I'll get all big-headed."

"Oh sod off."

They clinked glasses.


	14. Chapter 14

The first thing Dawn saw when she came home from school was Giles asleep and snoring softly on the sofa. He looked sweaty and tired.

"Spike?" she called out. "Why is Giles passed out in the living room? Did you break him?"

Spike laughed, coming into the hallway from the kitchen. "Not me. Was a Mr Glenfiddich."

"Who?" Dawn asked.

"Whiskey, pet." Spike grabbed Dawn's hand and spun her into his chest for a hug, then spun her out again along the hallway, back towards the kitchen. "Don' think the jet lag is helpin', though. It's gone 11, UK time."

"Are you drunk?" Dawn's eyes narrowed as Spike moved past her into the kitchen.

"'Course not!" Spike stopped in the doorway and turned to Dawn, eyes wide, the picture of innocence. "'M still vertical, aren't I?" Then he winked.

"You are so totally drunk," Dawn said, shoving him through the door and laughing when he stumbled.

"Jus' happy, 's all." Spike grinned, leaning back against the breakfast bar.

* * *

Buffy felt lighter walking home from the Magic Box. Anya was going to help her with money stuff. Giles was back. Xander was going to fix the house. Spike was taking care of Dawn. Willow and Tara … _Willow._

The enormity of what had happened to her hit back full force. _They ripped me out. I was in heaven and they brought me back to fight demons and pay the bills_. Pain and loss battled with anger.

And _duty_.

Because no matter how angry she was, she wouldn't let herself hurt them. And if they knew what they'd _really_ done, they would be very, very hurt. So all she had to do was just not tell them anything. Hide her problems as best she could, and keep all her darker thoughts to herself. _So simple._

By the time Buffy reached Revello Drive, she had buried the happier, supported, Buffy along with her rage and grief. She was exhausted.

The kitchen windows were open beneath their blackout blinds, and Buffy could hear voices. Feeling too drained to face conversation, she slumped on the porch outside the kitchen door, trying to soak up the warmth from the late afternoon sunlight, and waited for the voices to stop.

* * *

"So … why were you getting drunk with Giles?" Dawn asked, sitting down next to him. "He's not going to make you leave, is he?" she added, slightly panicky.

"No, pet. Not goin' anywhere."

"Promise?"

"Promise. We had a good long chat. Came to an understanding."

"Good." Dawn visibly relaxed. "Where's Buffy?"

"Dunno. When I got up, was only us here."

Dawn's face fell. "I thought she would be here when I got home. I thought she would want to see me."

"Niblet," Spike said gently. "Jus' because she was asleep when you left for school, an' she's not back the second you get home doesn't mean she doesn't want to see you."

"How do you know that?"

"Because she's Buffy."

Dawn gave him a withering look. "That's not a real answer."

"You're the most important thing in the world to her. She'd have to be on fire or somethin' not to want to spend time with you."

Dawn hadn't yet considered that something might have _happened_ to Buffy. "But she … she's okay, right?" Dawn scooted her chair closer and leaned into Spike's shoulder. "I … I only just got her back."

"'S daylight," Spike said, ruffling Dawn's hair. "Your sis can take out anythin' human with both hands tied behind her back."

"But that posses-y thing happened in daylight. Isn't it trying to kill her?"

"Dead, pet. Went poof last night."

"Then why isn't she here?" Dawn whined.

"She might've wanted some exercise. Or gone to get a new telly. Lots of reasons for her to leave the house. Not _everythin'_ revolves around you."

Dawn scowled. "The only time we've been alone since she came back, she tried to kill me! I think I'm justified in thinking she'd want to, you know, _talk_ or something."

Now Spike returned the withering look. "Yeah, 'cause she's _always_ been good at awkward conversations like that_. _Your sis is still the same person she was – flaws an' all."

"I wish she'd just yell at me."

"Why would she do that, Sweet?"

"I know everything's okay if she's yelling at me. With mom, and then Glory, she was so _nice_ all the time. It was kind of scary. Now she's just silent, and that's scarier."

"'M sure she'll go back to yelling at you soon enough. She needs time."

"Time for what? Is this … is it because of what Willow said? About Buffy being in a hell dimension? But she's not like Angel was when _he_ came back. She … she stopped being all weird and feral really quickly."

Spike started pacing. "She's…." _How the hell do I say this without saying it? _"'S like she's grievin'."

"Grieving for what? _She's _the one who died!"

_Pro'ly _not _like that, then. Git. _"Look, you 'member those times you needed to just sit quietly? Any noise hurt, an' anyone talkin' made you crazy?"

Dawn nodded.

So did Buffy, listening outside.

"Right now, it's hard for her jus' to be breathin' the same air as other people, no matter who they are or how much she loves them."

Buffy could feel tears rolling down her cheeks.

Dawn was quiet for a moment. Spike could hear her heartbeat speeding up. "I _always _knew she did it for me – to save my life – even when I was hating her for leaving."

"She loves you."

"But she _shouldn't _have done it. I'm not even two years old! It should have been _me _who died. I should've stopped her, somehow. Whatever's wrong with her now, it's all my fault!" Dawn was becoming steadily more worked up, fast approaching hysteria.

"Oh my Sweet Bit," Spike said, moving to wrap his arms around Dawn, trying to calm her.

"Buffy was _in hell _and, and it's … it's like _I_ put her there! How can she even _look _at me?"

"She loves you!" Spike said. "Everything Buffy did that night, she was happy to do it because she wanted _you _to live!" Spike's voice dropped. "You need to stop punishing yourself like this."

"But _she's _punishing me now! Buffy tried to kill me! Why would she do that if she didn't _really _blame me? And if she wanted to see me, she'd be here!" Dawn was now shrieking, so shrill it hurt, and she was vibrating with stress and upset.

"Dawn!" Spike said, pulling away to put his hands on either side of her face and stare into her eyes. "It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. You're the _only _sodding innocent in all of this!"

"It is _so_ my fault!" she screamed, batting Spike's hands away. "You only say I'm innocent because you're stupid and you think it's _your _fault!" Dawn finally stopped fighting him, and just cried. Spike put his arms back around her, stroking her back and whispering, "Not your fault," over and over.

Outside, Buffy felt like she was breaking apart. She couldn't comfort herself, let alone her sister. _I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this._

As Dawn got quieter, Spike realised that Buffy was on the other side of the wall. Once Dawn had stopped crying and run off upstairs with a tub of ice cream, he called out, ""S _safe_ now. She's gone." His voice was cold, bitter.

"You're angry," Buffy said from the doorway.

"Yeah," Spike said. The muscles in his jaw were ticking. "How hard would it have been? To come in an' tell her it wasn't her fault?"

"Too hard."

"You just say 'It wasn't your fault, Dawn.' Five words. Done."

"I'm not … I can't…." Her eyes were pleading. "I can't do this."

"Look, I get it," Spike sighed, scrubbing his hands through his hair. "Everythin's awful right now. An' I don't want to push." He laughed. _Me, not pushy. Right. _"But I think you need to tell her. About heaven. Guilt's gonna kill her otherwise."

"I can't ask her to keep a secret like that."

"But you can ask me?"

"I … you're different."

He laughed again. "Well."

They stared around the kitchen for a few seconds, avoiding each other's eyes.

Buffy looked tired. There were dark circles around her eyes, and her skin was stretched too tightly over her frame. "Have you eaten today?" Spike asked, finally.

"Um. I had a pancake."

"Let me make you something?"

Buffy crooked her lips in a semblance of a smile. "I could eat."

Buffy sat down at the breakfast bar, and watched as Spike put together a sandwich.

She ate in tiny bites, chewing carefully, while he cleaned away the fixings. When she was done, Spike took her plate and put it in the dishwasher.

"Xander and Anya are coming over," she said.

Spike nodded.

"Patrol with me later?"

"'Course," he said, quietly.

Buffy laid a hand on his arm. They looked at each other. "I'm way better at fists than feelings," she said, letting go of him and slipping out of her seat.

Spike listened to her footsteps going up the stairs, heard her pause in front of Dawn's door, then continue to her own room.

* * *

Xander was apprehensive, driving up to the house. He didn't know what to expect there anymore. Buffy was … not quite herself. Dawn was so angry – and justifiably so. Spike was … just confusing. Willow had warned him she and Tara would be home late, and that Giles would be there. Xander wasn't quite sure how he felt about that. He was still hurt that Giles had left without saying goodbye, but he was so used to the security of Giles taking charge in a crisis, he couldn't help but feel relieved he was back.

Xander also felt guilty for leaving early last night. But _oh,_ the sex had been worth it.

Xander got out of the truck he'd borrowed from work, and started carrying boards to the front porch. Looking through the living room "window", he could see Giles, sleeping.

"Hello?" he called out.

"Door's open!" Spike's voice called from somewhere inside the house.

Xander carried the boards into the living room.

"Giles?" Xander touched his shoulder. No response. Xander prodded a bit harder. Giles muttered something unintelligible, and turned his face into the sofa.

"What's up with Giles?" he called out, holding back on his first instinct: accusing Spike of having harmed him in some way.

Spike came to stand just outside the doorway to the living room, safely in shadow. He grinned. "Drunk as a skunk."

Xander's mouth dropped open. "Seriously?"

Spike nodded.

"Where are the girls?" Xander asked.

"Upstairs," Spike said. "Leave you to it, shall I?" He went back towards the kitchen. Xander heard him going down into the basement.

Xander looked over at Giles. There was drool. He sniggered. _This is just too much fun_

Giles slept through Xander bringing in the stepladder and the rest of his tools, his efforts in re-plastering, even moving the sofa away from the window while Giles was still in it. Nothing made an impact on his snoring.

The drilling, however, _penetrated_.

"Please, please stop that horrible noise," Giles begged weakly.

Xander turned, smiling. "Hey, Giles! Welcome back! Just another couple of holes – almost done."

"Could you please stop shouting? My head is ... I have a headache."

"You really were passed out drunk, weren't you?"

"It's jet lag," Giles lied coldly.

Xander laughed. "Yeah, right. Whatever you say, G-man."

"Please don't call me that."

"Gotta do the other side now." Just before recommencing drilling, he said, "Consider this payback for leaving us without saying goodbye."

Giles groaned and put his hands over his ears. He considered getting up, but decided the room was still spinning too much to risk leaving the sofa. He was unspeakably relieved when the drilling stopped.

Xander noticed his relief, and immediately – almost gleefully – said, "Oh I'm not done yet! I still need to nail all these boards into the wall to cover the broken window!" Xander picked up his hammer and waved it at Giles.

_I will never touch a drop of whiskey ever again._

* * *

Halfway through the boarding of the window, Giles managed to drag himself away from the noise and into the kitchen, where he was making tea and debating the merits of toast.

The sound of the kettle drew Spike back upstairs. "You feeling as awful as you look?" he asked.

"Worse," Giles admitted. "I should probably go try to find a hotel for the night. I don't think I'll be good for anything much until I've slept in a bed for a few hours."

"Can take mine downstairs, if you like," Spike said diffidently. "'S not like I use it at night, anyway. I'll just stay up here and watch tel— oh bollocks." Spike slouched back against the counter. "We don't even have a soddin' telly anymore."

"Thank you," Giles said, surprised both by the offer and by his intention to accept it. "I … I assume there is bedding somewhere for me to use?"

"Yeah. Hang on, I'll go down and sort it out." He jerked his head towards Giles' tea preparations. "Milk'n four sugars, yeah?" He opened the door to the basement and went back down.

Kettle boiled, Giles made two cups of tea, marvelling at the situation in which he found himself. _Wonders really never will cease around here._

A particularly loud bang from the living room sent a shudder through his body. Thankfully, it appeared to be the last one.

"Hello?" Anya called out from the hallway.

There was a long silence, while Giles presumed Xander and Anya were saying hello to one another. The longer it went on, the more grateful he was he couldn't see it.

A slightly breathless Anya finally came into the kitchen, dragging Xander behind her.

"Giles! It's so good to see you!" she flung herself at him, hugging him tightly. Pulling back and looking him balefully in the eye, she added, "You know you can't have the shop back, right? You signed papers."

"Hello, Anya. Yes, I know," Giles said gently. "The shop is yours to run as you see fit."

"Good," she said, looking relieved.

Spike appeared in the basement doorway. "Bed's ready for you, whenever you want it."

"Thank you," Giles said. He stepped back from Anya, clutching his tea. "I'm afraid I'm not very good company at the moment." He looked down at his watch. "I'm very jet lagged."

Xander covered a laugh by coughing.

Giles stared at Xander until he stopped spluttering. "I am going to go to bed now. I expect I'll see you all tomorrow. Good night." With as much dignity as he could muster, Giles took his tea and his suitcase down into the basement.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Xander said, "I vote we use 'jet lagged' as code for 'drunk' from now on."

"Was he drunk?" Anya asked. "I _thought _he looked ill."

* * *

An hour later, Xander had gone home, and Anya was sitting at the dining room table, becoming increasingly alarmed at the state of the house finances. There were almost as many reminders for missed bills as there were bills. It looked like no one was even opening the mail until the envelopes turned red. With all the late charges and extra interest payments... They were lucky they hadn't been cut off.

Spike walked past the doorway.

"Spike!" Anya hissed. He came towards her. "You live here, what's with the non-payment of bills?"

"Dunno," he said, shrugging. "Don't think I've looked at a bill since I was human. Witches do all that."

"Not enough of it," Anya said, frowning. "I _know _you have money. Why aren't you contributing?" Anya added, smacking him on the arm.

"Oi!" he said, rubbing his arm. "I give Dawn money."

"Oh," Anya said, thawing slightly. "How much?"

"Ten or twenty a week? More if she asks for it."

"That's not enough to offset your freeloading!" Anya hit him again. "I promised Buffy I would help her, and part of that is making sure _you_ start paying your way."

"I would've before, if anyone'd ever bothered to ask," Spike grumbled.

"Well. I'm asking you now. Six hundred a month. And I think you should replace the television."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Yes, mum."

"Don't call me that!" Anya said, horrified. "When are Willow and Tara due back?"

"'S Thursday, so late. Ten-ish, maybe?"

"I'm assuming Buffy is too crazy to handle conversation, since I haven't seen her yet. And I want sex _now_, so I'm not going to wait two hours for Willow and Tara to come home."

Spike's eyes widened slightly at the thought of Anya waiting two hours for a threesome with Willow and Tara.

"So can you please tell them that rent is six hundred a month – each – and that they really need to stop waiting so long to pay the bills?"

"It will be my very great pleasure, pet." Spike grinned evilly.

* * *

Spike knocked on Buffy's door at ten. "You still want to patrol, Love?"

Buffy opened the door. "I've been dying to kill something all night."

As they set off towards the cemeteries, Spike felt a tingle at the back of his neck. Someone was following them.


	15. Chapter 15

Willow leaned into Tara as they walked home from the last class of the day. "I'm so tired," she said, nuzzling Tara's neck.

Tara smiled. "Not really surprising, Sweetie." She rubbed her cheek against Willow's head, and put her arm around her waist. "You've expended a lot of magical energy the last couple of days."

"Ummm," Willow said. She'd felt tingly and … more _powerful _… ever since the resurrection spell. Her magical reserves hadn't even come close to being depleted. "Not so much with the magically tired. Just really _physically _tired."

"Oh," Tara said, surprised, and a little bit worried. "Well, unconscious doesn't really count as sleep, so that makes sense too." Tara squeezed her waist.

Willow sighed.

"What's wrong?" Tara asked.

"Me? Nothing. No worries at all." Willow laughed nervously.

Tara stopped walking and raised her eyebrows. "Tell me?"

Willow slumped under Tara's gaze. "Nothing turned out the way I thought it would."

"What were you expecting?"

"Don't you think everyone should be acting … happier?" Willow asked in a small voice. "I mean, everything that happened, I get that it's gotta be intense. But … I was kinda expecting a party or something. A celebration. If the spell really _did _go right, shouldn't Buffy be happy we rescued her?"

"It's been kinda traumatic for Buffy. And Dawn. I don't think they're ready for celebrations yet."

"Yeah," Willow squirmed.

"Were you thinking the party would be for you? Everyone saying thanks? Being grateful?"

Willow cringed. "Am I a terrible person if I say yes?"

Tara smiled. "Will, this is me. I'm never gonna think you're a terrible person for telling me how you feel. In this space" Tara drew a circle around them with her fingertip, "you're totally safe. Because no matter what, I love you."

Willow smiled gratefully at her girlfriend. "Thank you."

"It's okay to be disappointed they're not happier. So long as you accept and respect their feelings, too."

"I think I can do that," Willow said.

They clasped hands and carried on walking.

When Spike heard the key in the lock, he considered passing on Anya's message immediately. But he was feeling off balance and edgy, and he decided he'd rather get some killing in before he tried any more conversations. As they came through the door, he jumped up from the sofa and ran upstairs, completely ignoring their presence.

Buoyed by her conversation with Tara, Willow was okay with that.

But it hurt when he and Buffy came downstairs – so obviously _together_ – a few seconds later. Spike was still blanking them, and Buffy just said, "'Night, Will," as they walked out the door.

_It's not fair. _I _brought her back. Me. _I_ should be going out with her now, not him._

Tara watched Willow's face crumple. Her heart ached. She knew how devastated Willow had been by Buffy's death, and how much she'd hitched to the star of bringing her back.

"C'mon Sweetie. Let's have bed and cuddles."

Willow forced her lips into a smile and let herself be led up to bed.

* * *

There was very little stirring on patrol. After nearly an hour, they'd only found two lone vamps rising – no sign of sires, even. Buffy had a sudden spike of panic as they approached the first disturbed grave, but she overcame it relatively quickly. Her kills were quick and clean.

They still hadn't exchanged a word since they left the house. Waiting for a third fledge – a particularly inept digger – Buffy turned to where Spike was standing, several feet away, "You're not usually this quiet."

"Not usually, no." He wouldn't meet her eyes.

"You didn't have to come," she said uncertainly, unsure how to deal with a Spike who wasn't talking.

"Said I would," he said curtly. Then, jerking his chin towards the waving arm now visible above ground, "Think he's finally figured it out."

Buffy yanked until a man's head and torso cleared the dirt. "What idiot thought _you_ would make a good vampire?" she asked, plunging in the stake.

"No!" screamed a woman's voice. Spike and Buffy turned. A female vamp was running towards them. "You killed Simon, you bitch!"

"_This _idiot, clearly!" Buffy said brightly, shooting out her fist and letting the vampire run into it.

She went straight down, unconscious. Buffy stood over her, watching for a few seconds, before staking her. "What does a girl have to do to get a good fight around here?" Buffy wailed in disappointment.

Spike shrugged and lit a cigarette.

Buffy watched him smoke most of it in silence, finally half-shouting in frustration, "If you're just going to be all freaky and not-talking, I'd rather patrol alone!"

Spike shut his eyes as he exhaled. "An' if your memory goes walkabout again?"

"Oh," Buffy said in a small voice. She sat down on a gravestone.

"Yeah, 'oh'." Spike flung his cigarette down and ground it out viciously.

* * *

Lying in the long grass, well downwind, he was completely hidden. He thought the vampire suspected something, but that was only to be expected. He knew his limitations hiding from demons.

_The Slayer died. I saw her buried._

_This changes _everything_._

* * *

"Why?" she asked, softly.

"Why what?"

"You're mad at me, but you're still here."

"I told you—"

"You're feet away. You could have watched from a distance." She paused. "Like you used to."

"You knew 'bout that?" Spike was surprised. Surely if she'd noticed she would have said something. Or hit him, it being Buffy.

"Yeah. I … appreciated the back-up." She shrugged. "When you weren't being an asshole or stealing my kills." Buffy stared across at him, mock-glaring.

"Well, well." Spike pulled out his lighter and flicked it alight, stared at the flame, then flicked it shut. Still staring at his hands, he said, "I saved you. Not when it counted, of course, but … after that. Every night after that. I saw it all again, and I did something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways…. Every night, I saved you." He looked up, straight at her. "I won't watch from a distance. Not again." He looked back down at his hands, and brought a flame to light. "Bein' mad? 'S temporary. I'll get over it. Losin' you?" His eyes met hers again, and he snapped the lighter shut.

* * *

When they got home, Buffy took him by the hand and led him upstairs and into her bedroom. She pushed him gently into the chair by the bed and, picking up her pyjamas, left for the bathroom.

Spike took off his boots, not sure what to expect.

When she returned, she sat on the bed, her knees a whisper away from his. "I don't know what this is," she said, looking up at him. "But … if you don't mind staying…."

"I don't mind," Spike said, slightly hoarsely.

Buffy slid under the covers, eyes still locked with his. She bit her lip. He could hear her heart speeding up. She lifted the corner of her duvet.

"Keep the nightmares away?"

* * *

Giles was awake by five. His mouth tasted like something furry had died in it, but the worst of the headache was gone. He lay in Spike's surprisingly comfortable bed and dozed, hoping to go back to sleep, until he heard people walking around and the faint rumble of conversation overhead.

He sat up, gingerly, and climbed the stairs to the kitchen. He felt grotty and wished he'd had the energy to change into pyjamas before going to bed last night.

"Morning, Giles," Dawn said, when he came through the basement door. Her face was still showing traces of puffiness, and there were circles under her eyes. "How's your head?"

"Fine, thank you, Dawn," Giles said. _Definitely never drinking again. _"Are you … are you alright?"

Dawn nodded, going back to her cereal.

Spike downed the last mouthful of his mug of blood and flipped the kettle on. "I usually go to bed 'bout now, if you don't mind vacatin'."

"Of course," Giles murmured. He turned to go back downstairs.

By the time the kettle had boiled, Giles was back upstairs with his suitcase.

"I, uh, wasn't sure whether to strip the bed?"

"You back for good now?"

"I … I hadn't really planned beyond getting a flight here."

"Better here than some hotel. We can keep swapping off 'til you sort yourself out."

"Thank you."

Spike ran his hand over the top of Dawn's head. "You know where I am if you need me."

She nodded again.

"Right then, I'm off."

Xander arrived as the basement door was closing.

"Hey, Giles! Didn't expect to see you up so bright and early. How's your head?"

"Fine, thank you, Xander," Giles sighed.

"You ready to go, Dawnie?"

Dawn put her bowl in the sink and grabbed her backpack. "Yup." They left.

Giles had showered and changed and was sitting at the breakfast bar drinking his second cup of tea when Willow padded into the kitchen in her pyjamas.

"Hey Giles," she said, smiling and blinking a bit sleepily. "Were you staying here last night? I didn't see you when we came in…."

"I was in the basement," he said.

Willow frowned. "In Spike's bed?"

Giles nodded.

"Oh." She filled the coffee pot up with water and poured it into the machine. "Guess that kinda works since he doesn't sleep at night." She put in the coffee and started the machine, then turned back to Giles. "You have a good talk with Buffy yesterday?"

"Yes," he said.

Willow was faltering a little against Giles' lack of enthusiasm, but she decided to push through. Smile widening encouragingly, she said, "Isn't it awesome she's back?"

"Mmm. Tell me about the spell you performed."

"Okay," Willow said eagerly. _Finally, someone who can appreciate what I did!_ "First of all – so scary. Like, the Blair Witch would have had to watch like this," she covered her eyes, "and there were all these weird noises, and these scarab beetles came out of my mouth and they, like, attached themselves to my face, and then there was all this energy crackling and then this pack of demons interrupted but I totally kept it together and the next thing you know…." Willow grinned expectantly, her hands in a "ta-da!" pose, "Buffy."

"You're a very stupid girl," Giles said quietly.

Willow's face fell. "What? But Giles…."

"Do you have any idea what you've done? The _lines _you've crossed?"

"If you're talking about what happened with Dawn—"

"What did you do to Dawn?" He sounded horrified.

"Oh. Um." Willow quavered. "I, well there was no one here to look after her, so, uh…." Willow sped up, "I put her into a trance so she could come with us and be part of the circle for the spell."

"How could you?" he asked, incredulous. "You were supposed to be her guardian, her protector." Giles pinched the bridge of his nose. "Spike said no one was putting her needs first … I didn't believe him."

Willow's gut clenched at "Spike said".

"Of everyone here," Giles continued coldly, "_you _were the one I trusted most. Now I find you're not the person I thought you were."

"Why are you being like this?" Willow said, wanting to cry. "I thought you'd be … impressed." _I thought you'd be _proud _of me._

"Oh, don't worry! You've made quite the impression. And you don't even realise what you've done!"

"I brought her back!"

"At incredible risk! Resurrection spells are unbelievably dangerous."

"What risk? Making her deader?"

"Killing us all. Unleashing a hell on Earth. Shall I go on?"

"No! Giles, I did what I had to do. I did what nobody else could do."

"Oh, there are others in the world who can do what you did. You just don't want to meet them."

"Okay, probably not – but they're bad guys. I am not a bad guy. I brought Buffy back! I think the word you should be looking for is 'congratulations'!"

"Having Buffy back in the world makes me feel indescribably wonderful – but I wouldn't congratulate you if you jumped off a cliff and happened to survive."

"That's not what I did, Giles!"

"You were _lucky_."

"I wasn't lucky. I was _amazing_! How would you know anyway? You weren't even there."

"If I had been I'd have bloody well stopped you!" he yelled. "The magicks you channelled are more primal and ferocious than you can hope to understand, and you're lucky to be alive, you rank, arrogant amateur!"

Willow reeled back as if she'd been slapped. Her hurt and disappointment turned to anger. "You're right," she said, raising her voice. "The magicks I used are incredibly powerful. _I'm _incredibly powerful!" She paused. "So maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off."

Willow and Giles just stared at each other for a few seconds, both feeling like they were talking to a person they'd never met before.

They jumped when the basement door opened. "Either keep it down or fight somewhere else, would you? 'M tryin' to sleep," Spike said blearily. He turned to Willow, "Oh, Anya says you an' Glinda are payin' six hundred a month in rent to Buffy from now on, an' you're to stop bein' so bloody late every time you pay a bill."

Giles stared at Willow in surprise. "You mean to tell me you _haven't _been contributing all this time?"

Willow opened and closed her mouth a few times. "I, we, well…."

""M goin' back to bed," Spike grumbled, and went back downstairs. He had thought he'd have something more like a showdown with Willow, but he was too tired right now to bother, and he reckoned telling her immediately after a dressing down from Giles was just as good, if not better. _Serves her bloody right, the bitch._

"C'mon, Giles," Willow said finally. "I don't want to fight. Let's not, okay? I'll think about what you said, and you ... you try to be happy Buffy's back."

Giles looked at her for a moment before replying. "We still have no idea where she was or what happened to her. And I'm far from convinced she's come out of all this undamaged."

Willow made up two mugs of coffee as quickly as she could and fled upstairs to Tara and safety. She felt battered and bruised and in desperate need of comfort.

"Baby?" Willow said softly, opening their bedroom door. "I have coffee."

"Mmmmm, coffee," Tara murmured.

Willow set the mugs down on the bedside table and crawled into bed, wrapping herself in the warmth of Tara's arms, burrowing to find as many points of contact as she could.

"Something wrong, Sweetie?" Tara asked sleepily.

"Giles yelled at me," Willow said softly.

"You can't be surprised," Tara mumbled, eyes still shut.

Willow scrambled to sit up, shocked. "Of course I was surprised!"

"Willow," Tara said carefully, coming up to rest on her elbow and forcing her eyes open. "We decided not to tell Mr Giles we were doing it because we didn't think he'd approve. Why would you expect him to now?"

"Because she's back now! And she's fine … well, mostly. And I thought he'd be proud of me."

"Oh, Sweetie. That was never going to happen." Tara tried to get Willow to lie down again, but she jerked away from her.

"Are you taking his side?" Willow asked, horrified and hurt.

"Willow, this isn't about sides!" Tara said, finally giving up on snuggling and sitting up. "I'm _always _on your side. I love you. It's about acknowledging that we did something … dangerous. We took a really big risk. And no matter how wonderful it is to have Buffy back, it's going to take time to sort out what all the repercussions are." Tara sighed. "And honestly? I'm not sure things with Dawn will ever really be okay again."

"I'm sorry!" Willow wailed. "I'm sorry that I couldn't leave her there! That I couldn't go through every day knowing that Buffy was in some horrible hell dimension."

"I know you only wanted to help Buffy. I'm sure Mr Giles knows that too."

"He's sure not acting like he does," Willow grumbled.

"You can't control how other people feel, Willow."

"I know that! But it wasn't just Giles."

Tara stroked Willow's arm. "What else?"

"_Spike_," Willow almost spat the name, "said that Anya wants us to start paying rent."

"That's a really good idea," Tara said, smiling. "I mean, when we first moved in, it was only supposed to be temporary, so we never really talked about rent, but now…. Plus I'm sure it'll help with Buffy's money problems."

Willow was stunned. "Okay, fine, if _Buffy _asked. But … _Anya_? And _Spike_? What business is it of theirs whether we pay rent or not?"

Tara crinkled up her face in confusion. "What's your problem, Willow? We've paid rent before, and it'll help Buffy."

"It's … don't you find it weird that Spike and Anya know _anything _about _our _bills!"

"Well Spike lives here. And maybe Buffy asked Anya for help? We did kind of tell her there were money troubles and then leave yesterday."

"Why didn't she ask _me_?" Willow said finally, frustrated.

Tara finally got it. "Oh Willow," Tara said, putting her arms around her girlfriend.

"I offered to stay, yesterday. But Buffy said she was fine, so I didn't. But then she obviously went and talked to _Anya _about something _I've _been handling just fine for months! And last night when we came home, Buffy just left! With _Spike_! She … " Willow started crying. "I just miss my best friend so much! And she doesn't want to talk to me!"

Tara held Willow while she cried, desperately worried that the gap between reality and Willow's expectations was getting uncomfortably wide.


	16. Chapter 16

"Giles!" Anya said, surprised. "What are you doing here? I thought you would be busy being hung over this morning."

Giles sighed. _Never again. _"Thank you for your concern, Anya, but I really am _fine_." He glared at her until she looked away. "I wanted to examine the spell that Willow performed. I presume she found it in one of the books here?"

"Oh," Anya said. "Are you trying to find a way to cure the crazy?"

"The … crazy?"

"Well…. Buffy threw Willow across the room and then she tried to kill Dawn. That seems pretty crazy to me. Plus I'm not convinced Willow did the spell right."

Giles sighed again. "Please tell me everything you know about how you brought Buffy back?"

* * *

When Buffy woke up, it was almost noon and the house was completely silent.

She felt both lethargic and fidgety, like her body couldn't decide whether it needed to sleep for a week or go out and kill something.

_Hungry_.

Still in her pyjamas, she went downstairs. The fridge didn't reveal any secrets, no matter how long she stared. She ate a pot of yoghurt. That felt … familiar.

She wandered around the downstairs, touching things, trying to work out what had genuinely changed while she was dead, and what she just couldn't remember. It was depressing.

Then she remembered she had a punching bag in the basement.

She looked down at her still-healing hands. _Need tape_.

Hands taped, Buffy opened the basement door and started down the stairs.

_Yup. Punching bag's still here._

Buffy froze.

_Also … sleeping vampire._

She hadn't quite thought through all of the implications of Spike living in the basement. In particular, that he would – as a matter of course – be _there_, sleeping, in the middle of the day. He was in a single bed she didn't recognise, twisted around a collection of covers and pillows.

She heard him draw in a deep breath, and then he moved.

Naked _sleeping vampire._

* * *

Xander was more than a little shocked to see Willow. She'd never shown up at the site before. But there she was, at the gate.

"Hey, Xand!" She grinned, holding up a large paper bag. "I brought lunch!"

"Why'd you do that, Will?" Xander smiled nervously. "Has something horrible happened that you expect me to need comforting about? Because if it has, I'd really rather wait until the working day is over before I find out what it is…. Then at least I can drown my sorrows in beer."

"No, silly!" Willow said. "I just … I wanted to talk to you."

"Ookay." Xander turned to one of the guys milling around. "Hey, Richard, I'm gonna take off for a bit. Call me if you need me for anything?" Richard nodded, and Xander turned back to Willow. "Okay, Wills. I'm all yours ... for like half an hour." He smiled sheepishly. "Then I really do need to get back."

Willow smiled in agreement. A few minutes later, they were sitting on the back of his truck, munching on the sandwiches she'd brought.

"So," Xander said, finally. "What's such a big deal I rate surprise feast-age?"

Willow looked at him sideways. "Do you think it's … okay … now that Buffy's back, for Spike to keep living in the house?"

Xander took a deep breath. Brow furrowed, he said, "I think it's what's best for Dawn."

Willow almost dropped her sandwich. "Wha-huh?"

"Look, Will, I _hate_ Spike. I've lived with the guy, and honestly? I don't know how you've lasted as long as you have."

"Me neither!" Willow agreed.

"But Dawn…. We haven't been very good at taking care of her. I mean, at first we were all grieving for Buffy and … I know I blamed her. For Buffy dying, I mean. I feel awful about it now, but…." Xander stared down at his feet. "It can't have been easy for her to deal with. Spike – god knows why or how he's ended up being the one – but … I really think he's why she … got better."

Willow was looking increasingly horrified. _This is so not how I expected this conversation to go._

Seeing Willow's expression, Xander laughed nervously. "It doesn't make any sense, I know." He shrugged. "I mean, soulless vampire, tried to kill us lots of times! Totally evil. But now, with that whole sleepwalking thing? It _terrifies _me that we did that. I didn't think we were like that, you know? I mean, it was … it was _wrong_. Maybe even evil. And I know I'm the one who keeps saying that what Spike did before – with Angel – didn't really happen, but … it's like Spike's _always_ _been there _for Dawn. And lately, we … we've hurt her more than he has."

"But—" Willow felt like her whole world was being ripped away from her.

"Spike makes her _grin_. I can'tgo along with something that'll make that light go out of her again. I just can't do it." Xander felt a wave of guilt pass over him. "I think we've betrayed her badly enough already. "

"But what about Buffy?" Willow asked, grasping for something to get back to surer footing.

Xander remembered how he'd backed away from Buffy in her bedroom, afraid of what she might do to him. _That cut on Dawn's neck…. _"Buffy's … I don't think she'll hurt her again." _I hope she won't._

"No! I meant, what about Buffy with Spike in the house, with his whole disgusting crush thing."

Xander laughed. "Oh come on, Will. He's chipped! It's not like he can hurt her. If I cared, I'd worry about what _she'd _do to _him_."

"He might not be able to hurt her _physically_…." Willow muttered.

"What other way is there for him to hurt her?" Xander asked, confused. He stared at Willow for a few seconds. "What is this _really _about? There's something you're not telling me."

Willow squirmed. "Spike said that Anya said we should start paying rent."

"You're worried about Spike because Anya asked him to pass on a message you didn't like?" Xander's tone was icy.

"Um, maybe?" Willow wavered, not quite sure why Xander had gone cold on her. "Why should _he_ get involved in bills and stuff?"

Xander's pressed his lips together. "Spike _isn't_," he ground out. "You mean why should _Anya_ get involved."

"No!" Willow realised her mistake.

Xander's anger gave way to disappointment. "I thought you were past this, Will. Buffy asked Anya to help with the money stuff. It made Anya feel like she really mattered, beyond just being my …" _Fiancée._ "Girlfriend."

"I am! I love Anya! Well, not love-love, because that's only for Tara, but, platonic-love, totally! Go Anya with the helping." Willow made a cheering motion with her fists.

"Good," Xander said firmly. "I'm glad to hear it. And I'm sure Anya will be glad to hear it, too, when you tell her that yourself the next time you see her."

_He's choosing Anya over me. He chose _Spike_ over me. What happened to my Xander?_

"So, we're all good?" Xander asked.

"Yeah," Willow said, dazed. "Sure."

* * *

"Buffy?" Spike mumbled. He was still mostly asleep, not sure whether her scent was real, or something he was dreaming.

Buffy ran back upstairs.

_Naked Spike._

She'd managed not to think about him _like that _while they'd been … sleeping … together. But, suddenly faced with his body, all spread out in front of her like some … feast … just ready for her to dive in and taste. She could feel her nipples going hard, her innermost muscles flexing in anticipation.

Overwhelmed by her body's response, her mind was stuttering. _What's wrong with me?_

* * *

"And then she just sort of popped up in the kitchen – actually, that part was a little spooky – and she said she was 'okay'. But I don't see how she could have been. I really don't."

"Right. Did she say anything about _where _she was?"

Anya thought about it. "Just that time passed more slowly, and that she couldn't leave."

"That could mean anything. I was hoping…."

"You think Willow was wrong, don't you? About Buffy being in a hell dimension?"

Giles opened his mouth to reply, but the bell jangled over the door before he had the chance.

"Good afternoon!" Anya chirped brightly. "How can I best encourage you to spend your money today?"

The man paused in the doorway. "Good afternoon," he said carefully. Anya thought he sounded Eastern European. "Do you always greet your customers with such … bluntness?"

Anya grinned. "Yes. Can I help you find something?"

"I had heard that you sold objects … of an unusual nature?"

Giles looked up from his notebook. The man didn't look like their usual sort of client. He carried himself with the easy grace that spoke of years of physical training. His hair was not quite a brush cut, but close. His skin was lined, weathered, but Giles suspected he wasn't much over forty. _You're some kind of soldier._

Getting up from the table, Giles walked towards the man. "We _are_ a magic shop. What sort of object did you have in mind?"

The man cocked his head to one side, considering. _The Watcher has returned. The Slayer is alive. Do I tell them now?_

The silence was rapidly becoming awkward.

He smiled disarmingly. _Not yet. Not yet._ "A gift, for a lady friend. Soon it is her birthday, and I had hoped to find something … charming for her."

With Anya's encouragement, the man bought a simple – but prohibitively expensive – pendant that was charmed to make its wearer a little bit luckier.

Giles felt there was something not quite right about him, but Anya refused to hear a bad word about anyone who bought expensive jewellery in cash. She glowed as she counted and re-counted the fat wad of bills she'd just received.

* * *

Tara was outside, waiting, when Dawn left school.

"Tara?" Dawn said uncertainly.

Tara waved tentatively.

"What are you doing here? This is kinda stalker-y…."

"Sorry. I just w-w-wanted to talk to you, and I thought it might be … easier … doing it somewhere other than at home. I was thinking we c-c-could go for ice cream maybe?"

Dawn narrowed her eyes, and a muscle in her jaw started ticking. "Is this like the Tara version of guilt-cookies?"

"No!" Tara said hurriedly. "I just thought … I didn't think you liked c-coffee. And you're still too young for b-beer." Tara shrugged.

"Oh," Dawn said, calming down. "Okay, I guess."

* * *

"Good god, that's a lot of shake," Tara said, awed.

Dawn gave a particularly loud slurp.

"I mean, I know that was kinda the point, but…. Good god that's a lot of shake."

"Why isn't Willow here?" Dawn asked.

_That was blunt. _"Willow has classes all afternoon," Tara said carefully.

"Because, it _was_ her spell, wasn't it? The rest of you just … went along with it." Dawn's eyes narrowed. "Like peer pressure."

Tara smiled weakly. "It was Willow's spell. But we all went along with it, so it's all of our responsibility." _All our fault._

Dawn nodded and stirred her shake. In a very small voice, she asked, "That was the first time, right?" In a flash, her confident 'wronged party' stance had collapsed and she just looked like a frightened little girl. "I mean, it's not like it's some regular thing you do every time Spike goes out at night…. Is it?"

"Oh, Dawnie, no," Tara said, reaching out towards her. Dawn pulled back sharply. Tara flinched, and leaned back in her chair to give Dawn space. "I think we were so nervous and scared about bringing Buffy back that we kind of … shut off our brains for a while. Willow should never have suggested it, and I should never have gone along with it. And we're both so sorry."

Dawn nodded into her shake. "It scares me that you guys could do that," she said. "I trusted you, all of you. You were practically all I had. And you … you made me into some kind of _zombie_." She paused, then looked up at Tara with very wide eyes. "Did you think I wouldn't _want_ to help bring Buffy back?"

"No, not at all. We thought … we didn't want to get your hopes up, in case it didn't work. It was so hard for you, with Joyce…."

"I guess I can understand that. But … why didn't you just leave me at home?"

"We didn't want anything bad to happen to you."

Dawn snorted. "That was _monumentally_ stupid."

"Yeah," Tara agreed ruefully. "It was."

Dawn slurped at her shake some more.

"Um …" Tara started. "Is there anything I –Willow – _we _can do to make things easier? I mean, I want you to always feel safe in your own home."

Dawn looked up, startled. "Spike wanted to kick you and Willow out."

"Is that how you feel, too? Because you know, if it is, that's okay. You have every right to feel that way."

"The bar … helps," Dawn said thoughtfully. "I can _see _as soon as I wake up that nothing happened while I was asleep. You know?"

Tara nodded. "I'm glad." _I so wish she didn't need that._

"I don't want Spike to leave on the weekends anymore," Dawn blurted out.

"Okay," Tara said calmly. She'd expected that.

Dawn was taken aback. She'd imagined _way _more resistance.

"Are you sure you're … okay with Willow and I living with you?"

Dawn stopped and really thought about it. The idea of them leaving had terrified her when Spike had first mentioned it, but she hadn't been quite sure why, then. "I think I feel like, if you guys move out, then that's the end. I mean … 'cause really, you're _Buffy's_ friends. Not mine. And … we only ever spent time together because Buffy was dead. Now she's back … if you guys aren't living in the house anymore … it's like we'll never get the chance to resolve anything, because we'll just drift, and it'll always be like _this_. Me not knowing if I trust you, and you not knowing if I've forgiven you."

"Oh Dawn." Tara's heart broke a little – she thought Dawn was probably right, but it was such a bleak outlook. _Everyone who hasn't abandoned you belongs to Buffy first. _"You're myfriend, too."

Dawn gave her a withering look. "That's just a comforting lie."

"Well…." Tara trailed off as she really thought about it. _Do I actually like spending time with Dawn?_ "You can be kinda whiny sometimes."

Dawn pulled back, shocked.

Tara giggled at the expression on her face. "And I _really_ wish you wouldn't shriek so much, 'cause it hurts my ears."

Dawn just stared at her.

"But you have a great sense of humour. Dry. And you're smart. You have an interesting take on things. So … yeah. I _do _like hanging out with you. And I'd like to think we'd maybe have been friends anyway, even without Willow and Buffy." As Tara was saying it, she realised it was true.

The first hints of a real smile started twitching across Dawn's lips. She slurped on her shake. This was a beginning of something.

* * *

Willow found Buffy sitting on the sofa, staring at the spot in the wall where the TV used to be, when she came home at three.

"Hey, Buffy," Willow said, happy to find her alone for once.

Slowly, as if she was moving underwater, Buffy blinked a few times then looked up at Willow. "Hey," she said.

Willow smiled and sat down on the sofa. "Having a pyjama day, huh?"

Buffy looked down at herself, and snapped out of her trance. "Oh!" she cried, embarrassed as she realised she hadn't even brushed her teeth. She jumped up from the sofa, and ran upstairs without another word.

Willow was stung. The first time she'd had a chance to spend some time with Buffy alone, and she just ran!

Tara and Dawn came through the door, laughing. They stopped, almost guiltily, when they saw Willow sitting alone in the living room.

"Hey, Will," Tara said, smiling.

"Hey," Willow said. "So what've you guys been doing?"

Dawn glared. "Talking." She turned to Tara. "I'm gonna go tell Spike." She ran off towards the basement.

"Tell Spike what, Baby?" Willow asked.

"Dawn wants him to start staying here on weekends. It makes sense."

Willow opened and closed her mouth a few times.

"I'm gonna make some tea. You want anything?" Tara smiled again.

"No. Thanks," Willow said, thinking furiously.

_Somehow, everything's gone Wrong. There must be _something _I can change so that it's Right again._

Willow ran up to her and Tara's room and started looking through every spell book they had.

She knew exactly what she wanted. She wanted Dawn to forgive her and like her again, and for Buffy to see that the person she _really _needed by her side was her best friend of five years. She felt sure that if those two things only happened, then Tara and Xander and Giles would _finally understand _that everything she did was to protect her friends – no, _family_ – and they would be proud and happy again. And Anya and Spike would fade into the background, where they belonged.

What she couldn't quite figure out was the _how_. She found several forgetting spells that looked promising, but when she tried to work out the logistics of who would need to forget what for her desired results, she realised that forgetting was not the right tool for the job.

For a long time, she considered working some kind of glamour on herself, so that everyone would just appreciate her that little bit more. She even started writing out a list of ingredients. But ultimately, it just felt too squicky to make the magical change about _her_ – Jonathan's augmentation spell was too recent a memory. And this was all about helping Buffy, after all.

Then all of a sudden, she had an idea.

Willow giggled, then full-out belly laughed the more she thought about it.

_It's perfect._

It wasn't even magical.

_Buffy loves him. Everyone else hates_ _him. _Of course _she'll turn to me. _

Willow picked up the phone and dialled.

"Angel Investigations. We help the hopeless."

_Maybe I can even find a way to anchor that pesky soul…_

"Cordy?" Willow said. "You might want to sit down. I have some news…."


	17. Chapter 17

By the time Buffy finally emerged from her bedroom, clean and dressed, it was dusk.

As she went down the stairs, she could hear Spike, Tara and Dawn in the kitchen, talking about … milkshakes? Buffy sat down on the bottom step and listened for a while, not ready to join them.

Spike heard her come down, heard her stop. He wished he could make it easier for her somehow.

"Got some errands I need to run, but I'll be back later." Spike ran his hand over Dawn's head.

"Before I go to sleep?"

"Yeah." Spike turned to Tara. "There's fixin's for tacos, if you don' mind makin' dinner tonight?"

"Sure," Tara said, nodding.

Buffy listened to them talking. It was so _normal_. Dinner. Eating. It exhausted her just thinking about it.

She heard Spike leaving through the back door.

Dawn came out into the hallway. "Buffy?" she called, then jumped when she realised Buffy was sitting at the bottom of the stairs. "What are you doing there?"

"Just … sitting," Buffy said.

"Oh." They looked at each other. "Um, wanna help with dinner? It's tacos."

"Sure," Buffy said, fixing her best fake smile, and forcing herself to stand. _It will get easier with time. And I know this because it can't _possibly _get harder._

* * *

"But Spike, _the money_."

"But Anya, _the dusty_ _death_!"

"You're very strong," Anya purred, running her eyes up and down Spike's arms. "And such a good fighter. I'm sure there's no real danger to you." She batted her eyelids.

"Think you've got something in your eye, pet."

Anya threw her hands up in the air. "Well if flattery won't work, what will?"

"Anya! For fuck's sake, I said no!"

"You never used to worry about things like danger. Didn't you tell me you scoffed at danger?"

"I bloody well hope not. Idiotic thing to say."

Anya's eyes narrowed. "Are you going soft on me, vampire?"

"You gonna call me yellow-bellied next? Maybe dare me to do it?"

"That always seems to work in Xander's favourite movies."

"Anya! This is not a bloody film!"

"I know that! But my cut would be _six thousand dollars_. I'm … I'm saving for something special right now. I _want _that money!"

"I am not a helper of the soddin' helpless. If that gormless git sold his soul, it's his own bloody lookout!"

"But he's a very rich gormless git! Whatever that means. And all you have to do is break into a casino, find the contract, and leave. Easy!"

"I'm a smash'n'grab type, Anya. This is a job for a soddin' cat burglar. Or an army! I won' do it. Besides, what am I supposed to do about any human security?"

_Unless that's not such a problem anymore … still, there's a time an' a place to find that out an' this isn't bloody it._

Anya harrumphed. "Fine. But I think I should get twenty-five per cent until you've made up the six thousand you've lost me."

Spike laughed. "Fat chance. Goodbye, Anya. I'm off to pick up a new telly."

* * *

Dinner had been awkward. Buffy had barely eaten, and she'd spoken even less. Her tendency to just stare off into the distance was … disturbing. And the more Buffy retreated, the harder Dawn kept trying to tempt her back. Her repeated failures broke Tara's heart, and Dawn was near tears by the end of the meal.

Willow was distracted and oblivious – alternating between frantic efforts to bolster Dawn's attempts at conversation and getting lost in her own thoughts. She seemed excited about something, but Tara couldn't imagine what that could possibly be.

As they were clearing the table, the doorbell rang.

Dawn ran to answer it.

"Dawn."

She slammed the door in Angel's face. Angel sighed. _Maybe it was a mistake, coming here. We should have just met in between again_. Dawn just seemed to hate him more every time he saw her. He wrapped the guilt around himself like a familiar old coat.

"Buffy!" Dawn called.

Willow, Tara and Buffy came running into the hallway.

"What's wrong?" asked Buffy.

"Is it a demon?" asked Tara.

Willow tried very hard not to smile in anticipation.

"Angel," Dawn's voice dripped with venom "is outside." Her eyes smouldered and her jaw was ticking.

"It wasn't very nice to slam the door in his face, Dawnie," Willow said, gently.

Dawn turned to Willow. "He doesn't deserve nice."

Buffy flinched.

Dawn just stared at her. "How can you just keep … _forgiving _him? All he ever does is make things worse."

"Dawn…."

"Forget it. Whatever. I don't care. When he leaves and you start crying, it'll be your own damn fault." Dawn turned and stomped upstairs. Once inside her room, she opened her window, and prepared to listen and watch as much as she could.

Buffy turned to Willow and Tara. "I'm gonna just…."

"Of course, Buffy. We'll be here if you need us," Willow said.

Buffy opened the door, shutting it behind her and leaning against it.

Angel drank her in with his eyes. "Buffy." His voice was hoarse. It felt so weird even saying her name. He'd made his peace with her death – something he'd never expected to survive – and it still felt like a betrayal. He wasn't sure how he felt, now, seeing her again. There were too many powerful emotions competing.

_She looks _awful_. Did I look that bad when I first came back?_

"Angel," Buffy breathed. She was bombarded with flashes of memory: stolen kisses in dark corners, a claddagh ring…. She reached out to him, tentatively, and he grasped onto her wrists, pulling her tightly against him. The familiar physical intimacy covered his confused feelings.

"How did you know I was … back?" she murmured into his chest.

"Willow called. I drove straight here." Angel pulled back to look down into her eyes, his hands resting on her shoulders, thumbs brushing against her collarbone. "It's … I can't believe you're…."

"Just call me miracle-girl." She turned her lips upwards in a ghost of a smile. She remembered him holding her as they danced.

_So thin. I can feel every bone. _"Buffy, if you're in – if you're in pain. Or if you need anything…. If I can help you..."

"You can't." She evaded his gaze, burrowing her face in his chest and tightened her arms around his waist. Being surrounded by his bulk was familiar, soothing. _Safe_.

"Look, I … I know what you're going through," he said quietly. "So if you ever need to … talk … _anything_. I'm here for you."

_More than anyone, you have _no idea_ what I'm going through_. Just as she had almost decided to tell him, another memory pushed through. Waking up alone in his bed … _Angelus_.

_Jenny. Oh god, Jenny!_

It all came screaming back, with the weight and impact of a freight train. _Giles. Giles and Jenny. Not just an old girlfriend…._

She bit back a sob. _All my fault_.

Angel, convinced her sudden stiffening was due to some memory of hell, tightened his grip around her.

Buffy felt suffocated. Her Slayer senses were screaming at her that she should be killing the vampire. She wrenched herself out of his arms, and slid down against the door to crouch on the ground. She held her hands up protectively.

"Get back!" she almost shouted.

"I … I'm sorry," he said, a spasm of pain crossed his face, and he backed off, leaning against the post. "What's wrong? What did I do?"

"You killed Jenny," she blurted out.

Angel frowned in confusion. "Buffy … we … I thought…." He had no idea what was going on, or how to react. Her heart was racing, and he could smell fear.

Buffy curled her arms around her knees and buried her face. Her knuckles were white from tension. She could see his face outside the window, laughing, while she cried. _I couldn't kill him so Jenny died._

"What's wrong?"

"Everything's just peachy," she said softly.

"Really not getting that impression right now." Angel crouched down next to her, worried.

Buffy tightened herself into an even smaller ball, flinching away from him.

"Buffy…."

"I know it doesn't make any sense, but right now, my instincts are all telling me you're still _him _… still Angelus." Visions of him taunting her, threatening her friends, kept playing through her head. _Dawn. God, what he did to Dawn…._ When she looked at his face – concerned, full of love – Angelus' cold smirk kept flashing over it.

Angel let out a breath he couldn't remember taking in. "I'm so sorry. All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy." _Couldn't this hurt less at some point?_ "I would do anything to take those months back."

She laughed, but it was dangerously close to crying. "Would you stay?"

"Buffy … we've talked about this. So many times. We agreed it was for the best."

"I know." She scrubbed at her face with her hands. "Doesn't make it hurt less."

He reached out to touch her again, and she flinched away. They stared at their feet for a while, both thinking that what they mostly seemed to share was pain and guilt.

Cordelia's face appeared, suddenly, in Angel's mind's eye. Smiling. Laughing – at him and with him. _Have I ever _laughed _with Buffy?_

Buffy thought about how safe she'd felt in Angel's arms just moments ago. "When you came back after mom's funeral, I really thought you would stay."

"You told me to go," he said quickly. _God, that sounded petty._

Buffy's voice dropped to a whisper. "I didn't think you'd agree with me."

_Yup. Petty._ "I … I love you, Buffy." It sounded trite, even to him. Like an excuse.

"I loved you so much Angel, that I let people die. I loved you so much that there wasn't room inside me to love anyone else." Tears were running down her face. _I can't keep doing this._

"Buffy…." _She said _loved_._

It all felt so safe and familiar, the heartbreak, the doomed love that would last forever from afar. Neither of them wanted to acknowledge how empty it was becoming. Wanting the comfort of the physical spark that still seemed to exist, Angel inched closer and Buffy slowly uncurled her body. Their hands crept towards each other over the floor until Angel's clasped around Buffy's. They stared at their hands for a moment, feeling the tension build.

Suddenly Buffy jolted back like she'd been scalded, shoving his hand away, looking at him with abject horror. "Cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip!" she gasped out.

Angel went rigid, shocked. "You weren't supposed to remember … that day _never happened_."

"Oh my god, you … we could've…. You _bastard_!"

All the pent-up aggression from a long day of sitting indoors bubbled up, and Buffy finally gave into the instincts that had been screaming for her to attack ever since she'd sensed Angel's presence. She leapt to her feet and kicked out at his head.

Angel threw himself back in time to catch it on the nose instead of the temple, but he still went backwards over the stairs, landing awkwardly and painfully on the ground. His nose was broken and bleeding.

"I couldn't protect you as a human!" he said, gingerly getting to his feet.

"_I died!_" she shouted. "Where was your precious protection when I was up on that tower?" Buffy jumped down the steps and threw her whole body into another punch to his face.

Angel felt his cheekbone shatter.

"Ow! Buffy, I don't want to hurt you."

"Too late!" she grunted, flying at him again, punching and kicking for all she was worth.

Angel didn't remember her being this strong the last time they'd fought. At a loss, and genuinely beginning to worry for his own survival, he hit back.

She wasn't expecting it, and his punch dislocated her left shoulder. Screaming in pain, her eyes went completely cold. The Slayer took over, her injury forgotten. Sure, she couldn't lift her arm above her waist, but….

Angel only just dodged her punch to his balls, but she was now in close enough that he could use his size and reach to his advantage, picking her up and controlling her arms with a grappling move. With her injured shoulder, she just couldn't get the leverage to break her upper body free.

She grunted in frustration and wrapped her legs around him to beat at his kidneys with her heels.

"Enough already! I get the point, Buffy!" _This is ridiculous._

Still locked into survival mode, she just re-angled to try and take out his knees. Her heels plunging into the backs of both knees was too much, and Angel lost his balance. As he fell, he took in a deep breath, and suddenly he could smell something … familiar...

"Are you _sleeping _with _Spike_?" Angel asked, horrified.

In shock, he relaxed his grip, and she wriggled out. She spun a kick into his solar plexus. Angel, still too dazed at what he'd smelled on her skin, just took the hit. But when Buffy came in for a follow-up, he swerved out of the way and grabbed her ankle, using her momentum to fling her against a porch pillar.

The crash brought Buffy back. Dazed, she dragged herself upright. She stared at Angel, not immediately understanding why he was dripping with blood and barely staying upright. _And what happened to my shoulder?_

"Seriously?" he said. "Spike?" He was looking at her like she'd murdered a puppy and drunk its blood on Christmas morning in front of a room full of children.

"Huh?" Buffy said.

The scent of Spike got stronger. Angel spun around, and saw him standing on the sidewalk, carrying a TV box.

"What the fuck is _he_ doin' here?" Spike demanded, putting down the box.

"_Me?_ What right have you got to be here!"

"I bloody well live here!" Spike yelled.

"No," Angel said, walking towards Spike. "You can't possibly! Just because she's having some depraved post-resurrection kinky sex thing with you…."

Buffy froze in horror. She remembered her body's reaction to Spike earlier in the day. _This is wrong. This is wrong on every level it is possible for something to be wrong._

"Jealous much?" Spike leered, curling his tongue against his teeth suggestively.

Buffy cringed. _Oh my god. What is wrong with me?_

"My god, Buffy…. What's _wrong _with you?" Angel launched himself at Spike. "I should never have let you live, you bastard."

"Stop!" Buffy yelled. "Both of you, stop."

Spike stopped. Immediately. Angel didn't.

Spike slammed his jaw back into place, his eyes watering from the pain. "Prick," he growled.

Angel growled back.

"Angel … go back to LA."

Spike smirked.

"Buffy—" Angel started.

"After what you did … I'm not…. Just go."

"I'll always come if you need me," Angel said, limping towards his car.

"You," Buffy turned to Spike. He ran to her, and gently caressed her wounded shoulder with his fingertips. She shuddered at the jolt to her senses. _Wrong. Wrong. Wrong._ "Why are you even here?" She shoved him away from her.

"What's this about, Love?" he asked. "Did Captain Forehead do this?"

Angel growled.

"I'm not your 'luv'." Buffy said harshly.

Spike just stared at her. _What the fuck?_ His stomach was twisting into knots.

Angel laughed.

"And this will never be your home," she went on, cutting herself with the sharpness of her voice. _Spike _shouldn't _live with me. It's wrong!_ "You were _convenient_." Buffy could feel something breaking in her watching the hurt flow across his face, but she couldn't stop herself. Angel's look of revulsion kept replaying in her head.

Spike's whole universe was unravelling. "You ungrateful _bitch_!" He was trembling with rage and a bone-shattering loss that was worse than anything he'd ever felt before.

"Face it, Spike," Angel said. "You're beneath her." He got into his car with a smile on his face. God, he loved watching Spike fail.

"Just please leave." Buffy said, forcing her voice to stay calm despite what felt like a tsunami building up inside her. She turned her back on them, forcing herself to walk up the porch steps, even though she wanted to run. She opened the door and stepped inside, closing it behind her. Buffy leaned back against the door, eyes closed. _What is wrong with me?_

When she opened them again, she saw Dawn, halfway down the stairs, staring at her with pure hate. "How _could _you?" she asked. "He wasn't here for _you_! He was here for _me_!"

"Dawnie—"

"I don't care, Buffy!" she yelled. Then, voice dropping to just above a whisper. "I don't care why you're taking away the only person who really cares about me. But I will _never_ forgive you for it."

They both jumped when the door shuddered with the impact of a TV being hurled against it.

No longer able to hold herself up, Buffy slumped down on the floor against the door and started crying.

Dawn looked down at her with contempt. "Told you so."

* * *

Spike nearly broke his phone dialling the Magic Box.

"Anya? I'll take that job."

He held the phone away from his ear as she squealed. "Wonderful! Can you do it tonight?"

"All the better. 'M in the mood for killin'."


	18. Chapter 18

Buffy felt hollowed out inside. She knew there were tears running down her face, that her shoulders were shaking with each shuddering breath, but it didn't touch her. It was just her body ringing out the changes. She was lost.

Dawn stomped upstairs, slamming her door and then the bar. Willow and Tara crept out from the kitchen and stared at the broken girl huddled at the door.

Willow felt awful. She'd imagined that Angel coming now would be like it had been after Joyce's funeral. He and Buffy would stay together for a few hours, maybe a day, and sure, she'd be sad afterwards, but she'd be _better_. Willow had never even imagined _this_.

Willow approached her tentatively. "C'mon, Buffy," she said gently, crouching down beside her and taking one hand in hers. "There's ice cream."

Tara stopped in the hallway, confused. _We were out of ice cream this morning. I put it on the list..._

Willow tried to pull Buffy to her feet. But the tug on her dislocated shoulder forced a near-scream of pain out of her, and Willow dropped her hand.

"Oh, Buffy! Are you hurt? What's wrong?"

"I think … dislocated shoulder," Buffy gasped through her tears. The pain forced her to acknowledge her surroundings.

Willow was now near tears herself. _I made this happen. I was only trying to help and now she … she's _broken_, and … and he hurt her!_ Willow had a sudden, horrible thought. "Buffy! Angel isn't … he hasn't lost his soul again, has he?"

Buffy shook her head.

Willow relaxed slightly, but kept hovering, afraid to hurt Buffy again, but desperately wanting to help.

Buffy forced her breath into something less gasping, strong instead of weak. She awkwardly pushed herself upright against the door, and took a few steps towards the doorway into the living room. She gritted her teeth and rammed her shoulder against the frame, popping it back into place.

Tara and Willow flinched.

"C-can I get you an ice pack? For your shoulder?" Tara asked tentatively.

Buffy nodded, turned towards Tara and gave her a small half-smile, then stumbled to the sofa and curled herself into a tight ball, her head resting on the arm.

"I'll get it," Willow said. Turning to Tara, "Baby? Can you leave us alone for some best-friend-time?"

Tara nodded. "Of course." As she started up the stairs, she heard Willow muttering something on her way into the kitchen.

A pint of ice cream materialised on the kitchen counter. Willow took it, two spoons and an ice pack from the freezer and went back to Buffy in the living room.

* * *

He knew he'd missed something important when he saw Spike striding through Restfield, vamped out, drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.

He knew it was bad when he watched him pick a fight with a six hundred pound Chirago demon and win in minutes, without weapons.

When he overheard Spike on the phone talking about a job, he left to find the DeSoto. He slipped a tracer onto its undercarriage, then went back to the motel to get his car. And weapons. He had a feeling he would need them tonight.

* * *

Giles felt the dread mounting higher the more he read – or, more accurately, the more he _didn't_ read. After talking him through the ritual and its aftermath, Anya had brought him every book they'd used. There were five. Five! For something of this magnitude, with the possible risks…. They hadn't looked any further than the books already in the Magic Box. They had chosen the urn of Osiris because of a _footnote _in a book about demon mating rituals.

Giles shuddered. _Mustn't think about _why _any of them were looking at a book like that._

Also disturbing was Anya's insistence that there had never been any effort to find out exactly where Buffy had been after she died. The others had just accepted Willow's certainty that she was trapped in a hell dimension. But as far as he knew, no one had _ever checked_.

It had never occurred to Giles that Buffy might have gone somewhere hellish after her death. The cause of death had been the fall – natural causes, surely? He wasn't sure which prospect frightened him more: that Willow had been right, or that she'd been wrong.

* * *

Part of him knew he was being suicidally stupid. This sort of job needed weeks of planning. _Well, days…. At least hours!_ All Spike had was the casino's address and the name on the contract.

_Should plan somethin' before rushing in._

_Never been any good at waitin'._

_Fuck it._

He'd been _so sure _that it would be alright. Wary acceptance from the Watcher. Anya nagging at him to pay rent was just another way of saying he was a permanent fixture – that he mattered_._ Just this afternoon, being told he'd no longer be kicked to the curb every Friday because he wasn't so … _convenient _… on weekends.

_Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!_

He took another pull at the whiskey.

_I really _will_ die if I do this wankered._

_Fuck it._

He downed the rest of the bottle.

* * *

The man pulled his car into the lot a few minutes after the DeSoto, and parked as far away as he could.

_Jenoff's Casino? This must be the job. What can he possibly hope to accomplish here?_

* * *

Spike slammed the trunk shut, sword now strapped to his back and a double-headed axe in his hand. His idea was to march straight into the casino and demand the contract. Damn the consequences. He had to concentrate to walk in a straight line, but he was just about managing. He could take whoever was in there. Probably. Maybe. He hoped.

A few feet from the front door, he felt his phone going off.

"Fuck!" he yelled. He pulled it out, intending to throw it at something. But it was Dawn. "Fuck," he repeated more softly.

"'Lo, Bit," he said into the phone.

"Ohmigod! Spike!" she screeched. Spike held the phone a bit farther away from his ear. "I've been trying to call you _forever_!"

"Sorry," he said. "Phone was in the boot."

"You were driving?" Dawn's voice was panicky. "Are you leaving? Where are you?"

He sighed. "Not leavin'. Promised, never gonna leave you." _But you were, weren't you? Useless wanker that you are._ "Jus' doing a job. Home after."

There was a long silence as they took in that 'home' now meant the crypt.

"I hate her."

"No, you don't." Spike sighed again. "How much did you hear?" He started walking back to his car.

Dawn made a scornful noise. "Everything, duh! It was the middle of the lawn." Her voice went quieter, more subdued. "So … are you and Buffy-?"

"No," Spike said, more harshly than he'd intended, dropping the axe into the back seat.

"But—" Dawn started hopefully.

"Dawn," he growled.

"I know you love her."

Spike laughed mirthlessly. "Needs to be mutual, pet." He lit a cigarette.

There was another silence.

"I heard what she said to you."

"Really wish you hadn'."

"Have I mentioned that I hate her?"

"Dawn…."

"You're everything to me." Dawn said, voice wavering with the beginning of tears.

"My Sweet Bit," he said softly.

"Come _home_, Spike. Please? You said you'd be back before I went to sleep tonight."

"I know, pet. 'M sorry."

"But you will come home eventually, won't you? _Real _home? With me?" Dawn asked, voice small and fearful.

Spike stubbed out his cigarette and rubbed his hand over his face. "If she wants me gone…."

"I-is something wrong with her? Is she … forgetting again?" Dawn wished Spike was there, with her, and not on the other end of the phone.

"Bit—"

"It was scary, watching them fight. It wasn't sparring. I've seen them spar. She was acting like … you know … when he was Angelus. But he's not, is he?" Dawn was starting to work herself up.

"No. 'M sure of that much," Spike said firmly.

"It was like … it wasn't even Buffy anymore."

"_You _bring her back, Dawn. Whatever happens, you'll always be able to bring her back. She loves you. So much. She'll never hurt you." _That soddin' wanker sent her into a bloody fugue state. Bet His Broodiness never noticed, either. No wonder she was actin' like she was…._

Dawn sniffled a bit, but didn't argue.

"Could you hear what they were sayin'? Before the fightin'?"

"They were under the porch roof, so not much, unless they were yelling. I think I heard Buffy say something about cookies? And then he fell down the stairs ass-backwards. I'm pretty sure she broke his nose."

Spike smiled.

"You're totally grinning right now because she broke his nose, aren't you?" Dawn said suspiciously.

"Am not!" _Smilin's not the same as grinnin'. Not lyin'._

"You are such a child."

Spike growled and Dawn let out a half-hearted giggle.

"You gonna be alrigh' tonight, Pigeon?"

"Can I come hang out with you tomorrow?"

"Not sure what shape I'll be in…."

"It's a fight-y sorta job, huh?"

"Yeah." _Dust-y sorta job, more like._

"I'll bring blood and bandages. We'll watch awful TV and laugh at it while you recover – or, you know, just smile, if you've got broken ribs again."

Spike sighed. "Only if big sis says it's alrigh'. No runnin' off without telling anyone where you've gone."

"Fine." Dawn pouted, then realised he couldn't see it and stopped. "I'll come over when I get up."

"See you tomorrow, Bit."

"See you tomorrow, Spike."

He heard her breath catch.

"Don't die on me, okay?"

"Do m'best," he mumbled.

"Promise me!"

Spike shut his eyes. "Promise." _Stupid git. Better not bloody break that promise._

"'Kay," Dawn said, satisfied. "Bye then."

"Bye."

Spike put the phone back in his pocket and looked up at the windowless concrete monstrosity of a casino.

"I am so buggered," he whispered.

Spike got back in his car and lit another cigarette while he tried to figure out how the hell he was going to carry this off.

* * *

Spike put his duster back on over the sword sheath. It meant he couldn't reach the sword without taking off the coat first, but he figured he'd be less likely to need it if it wasn't obvious he was carrying it. He'd had to give up on the axe – it just wasn't possible to carry it hidden. He had four knives – one at each ankle and wrist – and a stake tucked into the small of his back beneath the sword. Looking down at the line of his coat, he figured that was as much as he could carry without it being obvious he had weapons on him.

As he stalked towards the door of the casino, he never noticed the man who'd been following him for months getting out of his car and following him inside.

The inside of the casino was a remarkable mix of human and demon. _Guess illegal gambling joints're equal opportunity enterprises_.

Spike looked around for doors marked private, or anything that looked like it was for staff instead of customers. But it was one big cavern – same dimensions as the building outside. The only door was for a lift, presumably leading to a basement level.

He sauntered over, and pressed the call button. Just as the doors were closing behind him, a man with very short hair who moved like a soldier pushed inside the car. He gave Spike the awkward half-smile of lift-sharers, then turned away.

Spike passed the time as they went down by memorising the man's scent. _Trace of gun oil, unscented soap … oh yes, definitely a soldier._

When the lift doors finally opened, they looked out into a restaurant straight out of 1950s Vegas, complete with booths.

_Smaller than the casino floor upstairs. Gotta be a soddin' office somewhere down here._

A short, ugly demon with exceptionally small sunglasses jerked his head up and watched them as they walked in. Spike ignored him, sauntering over to a booth near the kitchen and sitting down.

The soldier sat down in the far corner of the other side of the room, and Spike stopped paying attention to him.

A blue-skinned waitress was at Spike's side almost immediately, simpering slightly in the hope of tips. He twitched his lips into a polite smile, ordered coffee, and asked her to keep them coming. She flounced off, disappointed by his order. He sat back and waited for someone to show him where the office was by going in, hoping he'd have sobered up a bit by the time he actually had to do something.

* * *

When Giles arrived back at Revello Drive, it was nearly midnight and all the upstairs lights were off. Anya had gone home hours ago, but he'd stayed, reading, trying desperately to find _something_ that would make what they'd done seem less dangerous.

He hadn't found anything.

He couldn't get his own head around all the possible ramifications, given the interruption of the spell, the breaking of the circle, and the complexity of the magic. He was also concerned about how the presence of an interdimensional key might have affected the proceedings.

Anya had explained most of the substitutions they'd made for ingredients that were unavailable or that they didn't recognise, and she knew all the changes in wording they'd made. But he had _nothing _on the urn of Osiris beyond the footnote about the demon who'd successfully resurrected his lover using one. There were also a few ingredients that Willow had taken care of by herself, without involving Anya or her Magic Box contacts. "Vino de Madre" worried him the most, because the only time he'd seen it in a spell, it had involved the sacrifice of virgins for their blood. He wouldn't allow himself to even suspect that Willow could have gone _that _far, but whatever she had used as a substitute, it wouldn't be something to be proud of.

He was dreading talking to Willow about what she'd done. He knew it would be painful for both of them, and he also knew that if he lost his temper again, she would never tell him _everything_. And he had to know. He had to know if Buffy's problems were magical or psychological.

To his surprise, he found Buffy in the basement, pounding on the punching bag. She was drenched in sweat, and her un-taped hands and feet were bruised and bloody.

"Buffy," Giles called out gently from the stairs.

She turned and looked up at him. She looked haunted – agonised – before she shook herself and forced her lips into a smile that never reached her eyes.

Giles' heart broke a little bit more. "I think it's time for bed, my dear," he said quietly.

Buffy nodded, then winced as she started walking on her damaged feet.

"Can I do anything to help?" he asked, looking at her hands and feet.

Buffy shook her head. "I'll be fine." She examined her injuries. "It looks worse than it feels."

Giles nodded, watching her walk gingerly up the stairs and shut the door behind her. He fell back onto the bed, suddenly exhausted.

As Buffy sat at the breakfast bar with the first aid kit and cleaned herself up, she hoped desperately that her body was exhausted enough to keep the nightmares away.

* * *

Spike and the soldier sipped their coffees on opposite sides of the room and watched the people and demons coming and going between the restaurant and the main floor upstairs. There was a steady trickle in and out of two doors they each (correctly) identified as private gaming rooms – the high roller tables, going by the punters' clothes.

The ugly demon with sunglasses hovered around a section of wall that Spike suspected was a third, magically camouflaged, door.

His suspicions were confirmed when another demon – better dressed but just as ugly – appeared beside the first one seemingly out of thin air. The two got into the lift, so Spike waited for the next crowd of gamblers to come down and occupy the attention of the waitress and patrons, before sauntering over to the wall and feeling for the handle. It wasn't locked. Spike just slipped in.

The soldier in the far corner watched in shock as Spike disappeared.

It was an office, as Spike had hoped, but there was nothing to suggest there were any valuables stored there – no pictures on the walls to conceal a safe, not even a filing cabinet. The desk didn't even have drawers.

_Although … door in was hidden magically. Reckon anythin' valuable'd be hidden too…._

Spike closed his eyes and started using his nose. Only one scent in the room. _Must've been Jenoff just now, then. _But there was definitely a reek of magic hanging about the place. He started running his hands over the walls, eyes still closed, feeling for another hidden door or a safe, trying to sniff out where the magic was coming from.

After almost half an hour of searching, he found it. There was a box he could feel, but couldn't see, underneath the desk. It felt like old, well-weathered wood, but it was heavy, like it was filled with lead or gold or something. He could feel a keyhole at its front, so he pulled out one of his knives and started trying to jimmy the lock. The knife blade snapped off – too quickly.

_Bloody hate magic._

Spike shrugged off his coat and pulled out his sword. But striking at the box was like hammering at concrete. His bones rattled with the impact, and he reckoned he was lucky the damn thing hadn't broken his sword as well. Shaking off the pain, he put the sword back in its sheath and the coat back on.

He sat down on the floor in front of the box.

_Blood?_

He pulled out another knife, nicked the little finger of his right hand, and pressed it up against the lock. It burned up the blood, scorching his finger and making the room stink of burned flesh.

_Not blood, then … least, not mine._

The magic smell started getting stronger, and Spike could almost see the box's outline shimmering in the air. He thought it looked suspiciously like he'd set off some kind of alarm.

He sprang to his feet, and went to open the door, but it was locked.

_Not good._

He looked at the gap between the door and its frame – there was no physical lock. Plus, it opened inwards. No way to break out.

There were no other exits. The only furniture was the desk and chair, neither of which offered any places for concealment.

_Bugger._

Spike lugged the box up and onto the desk, and sat down in the chair. Even with his strength, it was hard work lifting it that far.

_Definitely can't carry the bloody thing out, then._

He shrugged out of his coat and got out the sword. He placed it across his knees, where it was at least partially hidden by the desk.

Then he sat back and waited for Jenoff to respond to the alarm.


	19. Chapter 19

With the vampire gone, the man decided to find Jenoff. When he eventually found the demon, he was high above the casino floor on a fixture somewhere between a balcony and a pulpit. A woman was kneeling at his feet, his index and middle fingers resting over her eyes. It looked like she was receiving absolution – until Jenoff started sucking out her soul.

He shuddered. _How is this going unnoticed?_

Jenoff rolled his head back in ecstasy. As the woman slumped at his feet, he blinked his eyes open sleepily and smiled, licking his lips. He shoved her out of his way with one foot – expending so little energy and attention, it couldn't even be called a kick – to lean his elbows on the railing, looking out over his domain of desperation and greed.

The man slipped into the crowd, feeling sick. Watching a soul being eaten … he felt soiled knowing he'd done nothing to stop it.

He followed Jenoff from a distance as he did the rounds of his pit bosses. The soul sucker seemed to be able to sense hopelessness – always knew when someone was cheating or losing more than they could afford – and he was ready, waving in one of his men with a timely offer. Or punishment.

After many interventions orchestrated from the sidelines, Jenoff finally stepped over to speak personally to an acutely distraught man who appeared to have lost everything at blackjack.

The man watching them was too far away to hear their conversation, but he could see everything perfectly. Jenoff pulled a piece of paper out of his breast pocket and handed it to his soon-to-be victim, then twisted a ring around on his finger, before shaking his hand. The victim let out a squeal of pain, cringing away from Jenoff, who pressed his now-bleeding hand against the paper. The paper flashed white before Jenoff placed it back in his pocket.

Jenoff nodded to the dealer, who gave the relieved victim a very large pile of chips.

_So. There are contracts. And a magic ring._

_The job must be to retrieve a contract. How ... honourable._

* * *

Willow and Tara woke up at the first scream.

They ran out into the hallway, where the next scream led them to Buffy's room.

They burst through the door – fully expecting demons – and froze in shock when the overhead light revealed Buffy, alone, trapped in a nightmare and valiantly fighting against something only she could see.

Willow ran straight to her friend, but caught a kick to the gut that sent her flying into the wall.

"Willow!" Tara shouted, running to where Willow lay crumpled on the floor.

The bang on her wall woke Dawn, who stumbled blearily into the bedroom in time to see Tara helping a dazed Willow to her feet, and Buffy going suddenly rigid with pain, arching up off the bed and letting out a third scream, louder and longer than the others.

It was agonising to watch.

"Buffy!" Dawn shrieked.

That woke Giles up, but did nothing to break the nightmare's grip on Buffy.

"What's wrong with her?" Dawn whimpered more quietly.

"I think nightmares," Willow said, miserably. _She's probably fighting her way out of the coffin…._

Satisfied Willow was okay, Tara walked around to the other side of the bed, trying to reach Buffy from the back, but she kept twisting and turning on the bed, and Tara only just managed to avoid being punched.

Then Giles arrived, panting, at the bedroom door.

Buffy screamed a fourth time, but it tapered off and collapsed into shuddering sobs, her arms flopping and fluttering instead of punching. They watched her curl into a ball, weeping.

Willow ran to her again. "Buffy, please, you've gotta wake up!" She gently shook her shoulder, until Buffy's tear-swollen eyes finally blinked open.

"Whatcha doing in my room, Wills?" she asked hoarsely, remnants of her nightmare still flashing around the periphery of her vision.

"You were having a nightmare," Willow said.

Buffy struggled up into a sitting position, balking when she realised how many people were in the room, all of them staring at her. Despite her pyjamas, she felt naked and exposed. "Was I … loud?" she asked nervously, curling up against her headboard.

"Little bit," Tara said, wincing in sympathy.

Buffy huddled around herself, shivering. Dawn dragged the bedcovers up off the floor, and passed them to her sister. Buffy hid herself in them, pulling the edges up to her chin so only her face and fingertips were visible. She looked gratefully at Dawn. "Thanks."

Dawn shrugged nonchalantly, and Buffy sagged back against the bed.

"I – I think I wanna try to get back to sleep now, guys. Could you, um, go? Please?" Her voice was still hoarse and shaky, but the words came out determinedly. _Getting so much better at pretending._

"Of course," Giles said, still a little breathless. "If you need anything…."

"I'll call. Promise." Buffy shut her eyes and waited until she heard the door close. Then she scrunched herself down as small as she could, shoved her fist in her mouth, and let the tears come.

* * *

By the time Jenoff and his sidekick came through the door, Spike was ready to climb the walls from boredom.

"'Bout bloody time you showed up!" he griped. "Don't you lot take your burglar alarms serious-like?"

Mini-Sunglasses flinched. Jenoff laughed. "I don't recognise you," he said. Looking at the faint outline of the bespelled box on the desk, he added, "I presume you're here on behalf of someone else?"

Spike raised one eyebrow.

Jenoff scented the air, then smiled. "Well! I am intrigued. What's a _vampire_ doing trying to save a soul?"

"Gettin' paid, you pillock." Spike said scornfully.

"Ah." Jenoff stared at him intently. "I wouldn't have pegged you as one whose … needs … could be met by mere money."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Leave off the sales pitch, yeah?" He pointed at his chest. "No shiny soul for you to suck here."

Jenoff looked surprised for the first time. "You're _not _the souled vampire?"

"Just _once _in my fuckin' life…." Spike muttered angrily.

Jenoff didn't react, just kept looking at Spike speculatively. "No _real _vampire would touch this sort of do-gooder work. And you positively _reek _of need." He snapped his fingers. "You must be that crazy chipped one I've heard tell about."

Spike groaned. "Soddin' demon rumour mill! 'S worse'n a bunch of old women."

Jenoff laughed again. "But it's such a catchy tune!" He put on a sad, sympathetic expression. "Is it true you're literally impotent – not just, you know?" Jenoff bared his teeth, then snapped them shut, eyes dancing.

Spike went into game face, grinning menacingly. "Chip only works on humans, you stupid git. Or did the old biddies forget to mention that?"

"You can't hurt me," Jenoff scoffed.

"Wanna bet?" Spike leapt over the desk, sword out, and in one fluid movement took Jenoff's head clean off.

* * *

"Poor Buffy," Willow said quietly as the door shut behind them.

"Hey, where's Spike?" Tara said, frowning. "Wasn't he supposed to be home early tonight?"

"Buffy kicked him out," Dawn said bitterly.

"What?" Tara asked, puzzled. "When?"

"Did he do something to her?" Giles asked.

"He did _nothing_!" Dawn shrieked. "God! Why do you _always _think it's his fault? I'm going to bed." She flounced off in a huff, slamming the door behind her.

"Um, guys? Maybe we should take this conversation out of the hallway? So Buffy can sleep?" Willow said hesitantly.

"Yes. Yes, of course," Giles said softly.

They trooped down to the kitchen. Giles put on the kettle, while Tara started mixing herbs together for tea. Willow sank into a chair at the breakfast bar.

"Buffy was in pieces when I got back tonight," Giles said, finally. "And now screaming nightmares for the first time? Will one of you please tell me what on earth happened today?"

There was a heavy silence.

"Angel came," Willow said finally.

"How did he know, Will?" Tara asked, her voice calm and even, intent on putting herbs into mugs.

Looking carefully at her lap and picking lint off of her pyjamas, Willow said quietly, "Um…. I mighta sorta … called him?"

"_Why?_" Giles asked. "Surely even you must have recognised the potential for disaster in such an action?" _She's so fragile, so unlike herself right now._

Willow straightened, looking at Tara and Giles. "He _loves _her! I thought … I thought she should have people around who love her. I thought it would help!"

"And damn the consequences…." Giles muttered to himself, throwing a tea bag into a mug.

"No, Willow," Tara said firmly. "I d-don't believe that's why you c-c-called him." She hated confrontations, and it was late and she was exhausted, but she just couldn't let this slide. What she suspected Willow had done was awful … and she had to _know_.

Willow flinched. "I – I don't know what you're talking about!" she said, trying for indignant, but she knew she hadn't quite brought it off.

"She thought she and B-Buffy would b-b-bond again, didn't you Willow? 'Best-friend-time'?" Tara felt sick, watching Willow's face, reading in it that she was right. "B-Buffy was _broken _when Angel left – physically and emotionally. And Willow had ice cream, ready and waiting_, _so she c-could swoop in to p-p-pick up the pieces."

Willow bust into tears. She was already agonising about how hurt Buffy had been after Angel left. She already blamed herself for the nightmares, for Buffy coming back trapped in her coffin. And now – they were all looking at her like she was some kind of monster. "I'm sorry!" she wailed. "I thought it would help! I only ever wanted to help."

"I don't know who you are anymore," Giles said very softly. _And I'm not sure I want to._ He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm going downstairs. I … I don't trust myself to deal with this appropriately right now."

* * *

Mini-Sunglasses sucked air in through his teeth. "Oughtn't've done that, mate."

"Oh no?" Spike sneered.

"Nah," he said, shaking his head sadly. "You've only gone an' brassed 'im off now."

With horror, Spike watched a new head sprouting out of Jenoff's neck. It was white and rubbery and horrible and it was screaming so loudly Spike thought his eardrums might burst.

"What _are _you?"

"I am a Soul Sucker," Jenoff said hoarsely, his head now almost fully restored. "And you are about to be very sorry that you crossed me."

_Buggering fuck._

Dazed by the screaming and the shock of Jenoff re-growing his head, Spike let Mini-Sunglasses and a few of his friends haul him out of the office.

The restaurant had been cleared of punters, and filled with what looked like Jenoff's entire staff – many of them armed, and all of them large and threatening. But all Spike could smell was demon, so even though he was outnumbered by more than he could be bothered to count, he wasn't tooworried.

He managed to decapitate six and seriously maim at least another ten before his sword was finally knocked out of his hand. He spared a moment to tut that Jenoff's minions didn't know how to fight as a group – _Big Bads just can't get the help these days_ – but it was just so much _fun _playing them against each other! He was laughing and taunting as he ducked and weaved, watching them take each other out instead of him.

He was just beginning to really enjoy himself with the brawling when he caught his first whiff of human sweat and suddenly his fist was connecting with a face that didn't belong to a demon.

There was no time for him to pull the punch. As he heard the telltale crunch of a spine snapping from the impact, his chip flared violently. His vision whited out for a few seconds, and blood started streaming out of his nose and ears.

_Not stopped workin' completely – jus' Buffy. 'S okay. Can still do this…._

Then, somewhere way back in the part of his brain not completely consumed by the pain or the need to keep fighting, he noticed the sound of the lift pinging, and a _much _stronger scent of human.

_Bugger._

The fight didn't last long after that.

"Do we dust 'im?" Mini-Sunglasses asked, kicking Spike's unconscious form along the floor towards his boss.

"Not yet," Jenoff said. "I want to make an example of him – something public. Have to make sure everyone understands the rules."

Mini-Sunglasses grinned. "Sounds like fun."

"No one gets out of my contracts. No one."

* * *

After flouncing into her bedroom, Dawn had only waited until the stairs stopped creaking before creeping back out to listen to the conversation going on in the kitchen.

She might be angry, but that didn't mean she was willing to pass up on knowing what was going on.

Dawn was genuinely surprised by what she heard. And, if she was honest, more than a little bit scared. For all the times Dawn had felt uncomfortable around Willow in the weeks after Buffy died, she had never doubted for a second that she was Buffy's best friend. That Willow could _plan_ something to hurt Buffy, just so that she could comfort her afterwards…. It was scary. Best friends just weren't supposed to do things like that.

When Dawn heard Giles shut the basement door, she crept back upstairs and into her bedroom. She listened to Tara and Willow come up the stairs. Willow was still crying and the complete and total absence of comforting words from Tara was deafening in its judgement. Muffled shouting and crying continued from their room for a good hour afterwards.

That was scary, too. Willow and Tara's relationship had always made Dawn feel so _safe_. She had never seen a relationship like theirs before. They never fought – not really. When there were problems, they'd just talk, and then it was always fine again. Dawn couldn't remember a time when her parents had been _civil _to each other, let alone loving. And Buffy's boyfriends? High angst rollercoasters of half-truths and omissions, every last one of them.

Dawn had been _so sure_ that it would all be alright. Coming home from the ice cream place with Tara, she'd started feeling … _hopeful_.

But now Spike was _gone._ Because of stupid Buffy and her stupid Angel issues.

Even Buffy was gone. Sort of. Strong Buffy – Slayer Buffy – had disappeared, and she'd left behind a girl Dawn didn't recognise, one that stared off into space and who screamed out in fear in the middle of the night.

_She's still screaming_.

Dawn got out of bed and ran into Buffy's room for the second time that night.

"Buffy?" She stopped just inside in the doorway.

The overhead lights were still on, and Buffy was curled into a ball in the centre of the bed. Buffy blinked her eyes open. _Not again._ "Dawnie?" Her voice was barely there, cracked and wavering. Her eyes looked bruised, swollen from crying and circled by black shadows. Her face was lined, brackets of pain around her mouth, making her look years older. And she was still _so thin_.

"Are you okay?" Dawn asked before she could stop herself, hating the whine she could hear in her voice. _God, what a dumb question._ She walked further into the room, pulling the door closed behind her.

"No," Buffy said. "Not really."

Dawn sat down on the edge of the bed, looking down at her sister with pleading eyes. "It's got to get better. Right?"

* * *

When Spike finally flickered back to consciousness, he was hanging from a wall by his wrists.

_Not dust. Thank fuck for that._

Refreshingly, his face was undamaged, so it was only chip-induced white spots interfering with his vision when he finally opened his eyes. He saw a bare cell, with small, high windows that thankfully still showed a pre-dawn sky.

A man was crouched on the other side of the bars, mostly in shadow, watching him. Spike could hear his heartbeat, slow and even. He could also smell gun oil and unscented soap.

"I believe you are trying to liberate a contract," the soldier from the lift said, in careful English. "I would like to offer you my assistance."

"Who are you?" Spike asked, groggily.

"My name is Bohdan Kosík," he replied. "But that isn't important. You permit?" He held up two thin strips of metal, and began to pick the lock of Spike's cell.

"Why?" Spike asked.

"This is an evil place," Bohdan said, almost absently, as he worked on the lock. When the cell door sprang open, he looked up again. "How bad are your injuries?"

Spike wrapped his fingers around the chains and pulled himself upright, slowly letting his legs take his weight again. One knee was a bit weak and his shoulders were stiff and aching, but it was his torso that seemed to have taken the worst of it. He'd definitely broken a few ribs – felt like one had nicked a lung, too. And judging by the pain and swelling, he reckoned he didn't have much left intact in the way of internal organs. Just as he was thinking he'd got off relatively lightly, he lifted his head away from the wall. It felt like ice picks stabbing into his skull with even the slightest movement, and the world spun violently as soon as the support was gone. He laid his head back against the wall slowly and carefully. The spinning stopped, but the pain remained.

"Balance's shot. Can walk. Pro'ly. Anything else? Useless 'til I've had some blood."

Bohdan nodded and started walking towards him.

Spike tried to laugh at the situation, but it rapidly turned into a wet cough as something caught in his lungs. The movement was too much for his head, and he passed out again for a few seconds.

When he blinked back to consciousness, Bohdan was standing in front of him, working on the wrist manacles. Spike stared, mesmerised, at the pulsing vein in front of his face. He could feel his whole body resonating in time with the heartbeat pounding in his ears. The bones in his face started to shift.

Bohdan slapped him. Hard. "You have control. Use it."

The white-hot pain running through Spike's skull at the movement was enough to shock him back to himself.

Bohdan freed Spike's left hand from its manacle, quickly followed by his right. He stepped back and away, warily.

"You got a plan, Bohdan Kosík?" Spike asked.

Bohdan smiled. "I am not reckless, like you. I always have a plan."


	20. Chapter 20

"Would've been fine, you know. Eventually," Spike mumbled around the second glass of blood Bohdan had brought him from the casino restaurant. He was now sprawled on the floor of the cell, his head resting between two corners of the wall to keep it immobile.

"Of course," Bohdan said soothingly, leaning against the open cell door, his face entirely bland and expressionless. "Just biding your time?"

"Righ'," Spike said firmly, eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Thanks an' all that, though, yeah?" He raised his glass towards Bohdan in a lazy half-salute, shifting his shoulders to allow arm movement while keeping his head perfectly still. He had been careful not to move it any more than absolutely necessary.

Bohdan twitched his lips into a smile. "How bad are your injuries?"

It still hurt. Everywhere. But Spike could see now – well enough to function, anyway. He leaned forward gingerly, testing out his head for the first time. The worst of the dizziness was gone, but he could see afterimages whenever he moved. The pain was … not so bad as it had been, but still pretty bad. He pulled his flask out of his pocket and poured whiskey into his mouth, keeping his head perfectly level.

"Could fight. If I had to."

Bohdan gave him a sceptical look, then threw a punch at Spike's head. Spike jerked out of the way, but the effort was visible when it really shouldn't have been.

Spike blinked the stars out of his vision and tried – unsuccessfully – not to groan.

"You're still weak."

They looked into each other's eyes, evaluating.

"We gonna dance when this is done, Bohdan Kosík?"

Bohdan gave Spike a long look. "No," he sighed. "Can you use a gun?"

"'Course," Spike sniffed.

Bohdan looked sceptical. "Truly?"

"Don' like 'em, as a rule. Too much like cheatin'." Spike grinned. "But for all that, know my way 'round a shotgun. Can hit what I'm aiming at with a crossbow. Anything else … should be able to wing it."

Bohdan breathed heavily out his nose, almost snorting, then reluctantly pulled out his gun, holding it towards Spike. "Take her until I return." He didn't think he'd be allowed to get close to Jenoff with a gun, and frankly the vampire needed the help.

He still didn't like being apart from her – he felt naked now.

Spike reached for the gun. It looked like a machine gun made for midgets, or children.

Bohdan pulled it back. "It can be made semi- or fully automatic – here." Bohdan gestured to the switch. "Second cartridge, at the front." He demonstrated dropping one cartridge out and replacing it with the other. "Whatever you do, don't let it be taken from you – you will truly die if one of these bullets pierces your heart."

Spike raised both eyebrows. "What now?"

"They are my own design: lead with copper jacket, tipped with _lignum vitae_ to work like a stake." Bohdan grinned, wolfishly. "I find I need to cheat sometimes." He let his face fall back to its usual grim seriousness, and pushed his gun back into Spike's hands. "Now, tell me about where Jenoff stores the contracts."

* * *

Jenoff was back up in his pulpit when Bohdan found him.

Mini-Sunglasses materialised in front of the stairs before Bohdan could take a step.

"I have a business proposition," Bohdan said.

"You packin'?"

"No."

Mini-Sunglasses patted him down. "Honest, are you? Rare breed." He jerked his head towards the stairs. "Off you go, then."

Jenoff watched Bohdan approach, Mini-Sunglasses one step behind him. "I don't know you," Jenoff said.

"No," Bohdan said.

"I don't often come across humans I don't recognise. You _are _human, aren't you?"

Bohdan nodded.

"Name?"

"Bohdan Kosík."

Jenoff looked past him to Mini-Sunglasses. "Check it." The other demon nodded, and went back down the stairs. "You understand, no deal can be made until I am satisfied you are a … good investment."

"Of course." Bohdan inclined his head.

"Good. So. What can I do for you, Mr Kosík?"

"There is something I want."

"I don't traffic in wants." Jenoff smiled, with the barest hint of warmth. It was one of his favourite lines.

"Something I _need_, if you prefer." Bohdan smiled back, although it never reached his eyes.

"I might be able to assist with that," Jenoff said.

They waited for several minutes, pretending to watch the crowd on the ground, but mostly watching each other.

Mini-Sunglasses reappeared below the pulpit. He shook his head from side to side, and pulled down twice on one earlobe.

It was obvious from Jenoff's reaction that it was a sign: he cocked his head, staring at Bohdan with surprise. "Unfortunately, it appears you have nothing I want _or _need." He smiled again, barely polite and entirely dismissive.

Bohdan's brow creased in confusion. "I do not understand."

"Your soul is spoken for," Jenoff said, clearly annoyed.

Bohdan started swearing in his head. He had intended to keep his face implacable, bland, but something must have shown through the mask.

"You didn't know, did you?" Jenoff laughed. "Well. That _is _unusual. She must be something else, whoever she is, for you to have given her your soul without even realising it." Jenoff watched him continue trying to hide his anger, then, laughing again, clapped his hand around Bohdan's shoulder. "Congratulations, by the way. I hear true love's pretty special."

"I am sorry we could not do business," Bohdan said, carefully manoeuvring Jenoff's hand from his shoulder and into a handshake. "I must find another way to meet my needs."

Bohdan was grateful Jenoff had been so amused by his pain.

It provided an easy explanation for his adrenal responses while he was palming Jenoff's ring.

* * *

"You were right. Ring's the key," Spike said, opening the lid of the invisible box.

They had managed to get back into the office – Bohdan going ahead to scout while Spike used his vampire speed and stillness to stay nearly invisible.

Both were thoroughly contemptuous of Jenoff's lax security. It should never have been this easy.

The interior of the box was entirely visible but it was almost depressing in its dullness. No velvet lining or mystical mustiness. The contracts weren't even rolled up like scrolls. It looked like the interior of any bog-standard office file box: there were colour-codes, everything was alphabetised, and although the contracts wereon thick, expensive paper, it was the kind you could buy in any stationary store.

Spike flipped through quickly, looking for the name Anya had given him. "'S not here," he said, after a few seconds.

"What?" Bohdan asked.

"Name the client gave. 'S not here."

"What was it?" Bohdan asked, moving in to look himself.

"Nicholas Doe."

Bohdan flipped through the D's for a few seconds, before he stopped, hands dropping to his sides. "_Nikdo_?" he said, realisation dawning. "For fuck's sake. You know what this means in my language?"

_Nobody. _"Bugger," Spike breathed. "This was a set-up."

"Fuck!" yelled Bohdan, kicking at the desk. "This smells of Michal's tricks. Even from beyond the grave…." He took several deep breaths, then turned to Spike. "Your client, did he ever communicate in person?"

"Don' speak to clients. Who the buggerin' fuck is Michael?"

"Later, I promise." Bohdan looked around the office. "Is there anything left in your flask?"

Spike passed it over, still staring at Bohdan.

"Lighter?"

Spike passed him that, too.

Bohdan poured the contents of the flask over the contracts, then lifted a single one and lit it with the lighter. "This will not be for nothing."

As they watched the contracts catch light, the acrid smoke of burnt plastic began to fill the room.

The box started pulsing again with its burglar alarm.

"Getting out alive was more'n enough for _me_, ta very much," Spike grumbled. "An' you'd best have a bloody good explanation when we're through."

Bohdan laughed, still staring at the fire. "It will change your life, what I have to say."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Constant hinting and no detail make for a very frustrated vampire."

Bohdan frowned at him. "Do you take _anything _seriously?"

"Not so's you'd notice, no," Spike said, pulling his knife out of the floor, where it was keeping the office door wedged open. "Can we get the fuck out of here now?"

Bohdan got out his gun. As soon as they walked through the office door, they became visible to the waiting throng of demons and humans. Bohdan dusted or killed at least twenty in seconds with his first volley of gunfire. The rest fled or ran for cover.

Bohdan and Spike were able to walk straight into the lift without further difficulty. Although Spike had to admit the speed and power were impressive – not to mention the results – he could never really get into a fight if there was no blood involved. It just felt wrong.

Unfortunately, leaving survivors also meant allowing calls upstairs, so by the time the lift doors re-opened, Jenoff's people had had time to prepare. The demons waiting for them either had tougher skin – impervious to Bohdan's special bullets – or needed more than just a stake to be killed.

Spike moved to the fore now, armed with a knife in each hand and his superior strength.

At least that was the theory.

In practice, he was still weak, and punches that should have been debilitating were merely painful. But his decades of fighting experience had given him a certain creativity in convincing his opponents that they didn't really _want _to fight him.

Bohdan was blown away by what he saw Spike doing. It was clear he had a near-encyclopaedic knowledge of every demon species they faced – or at least, of their anatomies. He knew not only what their weakest points were, but how to best exploit them in a fight. The vain ones lost marks of beauty like noses and lips; the ones with accessible genitals lost those; tendons were cut with a surgeon's precision. He even disembowelled a few with nothing more than a flick of the wrist – and never in the obvious places. Spike invariably did whatever would hurt most, with the minimum of effort on his part.

He had made research into a martial art.

The gamblers still in the casino shared Bohdan's awe, and those not involved in the fighting started crowding around the edges, running book on how many Spike would take out before he died.

Bohdan remained mostly uninjured – he was human, so no physical threat on his own, and his gun had been neutralised by the changes in species. He knew he was now an irritant at best. So he melted back into the sidelines with the non-combatants as soon as he could, and took surreptitious pot shots where he thought he might be able to help.

Bohdan had no doubt that he would have died in seconds had anyone actually _wanted_ him dead.

Spike made it to about ten feet from the exit relatively quickly – even though it felt like hours. By this time, all but the most hardened of fighters had either died or faded back into the crowd, and the bookies had started taking bets on Spike surviving.

But the reduced numbers actually made things harder: spare attackers could no longer be used as shields or distractions. And a nearly-spent Spike was now going up against fresh, _skilled _fighters.

Spike was visibly fading. His vision had been getting steadily worse, which meant his aim was starting to suffer. Every wound from the first fight had been reopened – his weakened knee was even weaker and he knew one more kick would likely take it out completely. His hands and arms were slick with noxious demon blood, some of which was slowly burning through his skin.

Spike could pinpoint the moment when he lost higher brain function and started running on instinct alone. A particularly nasty M'Fashnik was pounding away at his already pulverised kidneys, while he was trying to use his forehead to break off the tusks of something roaring and hairy that he would have said was an Argethoth, had it not been for the truly awful halitosis.

He had stopped remembering what it was like to exist without the pain, and his world had narrowed down to reaching the exit.

The M'Fashnik pressed back into the crowd far enough for Bohdan to shoot him through the eye just as Spike finally ripped out the not-an-Argethoth's tusks, leaving it screaming in pain on the floor. They made a last mad dash for the door.

To their mutual shock, no one stopped them, and they were able to run straight out into … the sunrise.

"Fuck!" screamed Spike as his face burst into flames.

Bohdan shook off his coat and threw it over Spike's head. Half-supporting the vampire frantically batting at his head to put out the flames, Bohdan ran for his car.

As the watching demons realised Spike had somehow escaped being dusted by the sunlight, the ones that could ran after them.

Bohdan pulled out his shotgun and started shooting as he climbed into the driver's seat. The shells were large enough to be threatening. He kept shooting out the window as he reversed out of the parking lot.

Spike huddled across the back seat under Bohdan's coat. It sounded to Bohdan as if he were – "Are you _giggling_?"

"Either that or cry like a baby," Spike groaned hoarsely. He wondered whether his lips had burned off. "Gonna pass out in a minute."

Bohdan shuddered. The giggling continued for a few more seconds, and then, thankfully, Spike did pass out. Bohdan did not even wantto _imagine _how much pain he must be in right now.

* * *

As Spike and Bohdan were speeding along the freeway back to Sunnydale, Dawn woke up, lying on the edge of her sister's bed. She shifted around, shivering in her pyjamas, looking for Buffy.

"Hey," Buffy said. She looked greyer in daylight. She was wide awake, sitting up against the headboard with her knees to her chest, swathed in covers.

"Didn't sleep, huh?" Dawn mumbled.

"Not really," Buffy said. _I didn't want to risk hurting you,_ is what she wanted to say. _When I look at you, I remember holding a knife to your throat. I remember smothering you with a pillow over and over and over again. And I'm not sure which memories are real. You're innocent and you don't deserve this. You don't deserve _me_. _But the words stuck in her throat, despite them growing steadily louder inside her head.

Dawn must have sensed something was wrong, because she made a move to hug her. Buffy found herself flinching away – again – from her sister's touch. It _hurt_, just the idea of physical contact with another person.

_Didn't hurt with Spike_, a bitchy-sounding inner voice said. _Spike's not a person_, Buffy shot back.

"Fine," Dawn grumbled, slouching out of the bed, shoulders hunched in. "Be that way."

Their family had never been a demonstrative one, and Dawn had never wanted or needed this kind of reassurance before. Buffy didn't know how to deal withneedy Dawn, tactile Dawn. Buffy suddenly remembered that heady time – before she'd jumped – when she was terrified that being the Slayer meant she'd lost the ability to love. It was almost funny to think of it, now. Just _connecting _with another person seemed so far beyond her capabilities. Her heart might beat, but she was dead inside.

_Buffy the Vampire Slayer is nothing but a reanimated corpse. Just like a vampire._

Buffy swallowed a laugh.

Dawn turned, staring at her. "Are you … laughing?" she asked.

Buffy's stifled laugh became a stifled sob. _It's not your fault, Dawn. None of this is your fault. I'm all wrong inside. I came back _wrong_._ Everything Buffy wanted to say just lay there inside her, writhing, the words etching themselves into her brain like acid. She wanted so desperately to show Dawn some affection. _Something_. But she didn't know how. It was like she was locked inside her body, and no matter what she knew she _should _do, she couldn't make it happen.

Dawn stared into Buffy's flat, responseless eyes, until she could feel tears pricking at her own. "I'm gonna get dressed and then … I'm going out. Probably all day." _If she doesn't ask where I'm going, I don't have to tell her. Bet she won't even care enough to ask._

Buffy nodded, her relief all too obvious that Dawn wasn't going to stay. "Make sure you're home before dark."

"Fine," Dawn huffed, slipping out the door, too sad to slam it behind her.

Buffy considered trying to sleep again, but the prospect of waking the house up with her nightmares – again – held her back. She may have lost pieces of her memory and her sense of self, but she still had her pride.

* * *

Dawn was asleep in Spike's chair, under one of his leather coats when she heard noises coming from the lower level.

"Spike?" she called out.

When she received no answer, she opened the trap door, and started climbing down the ladder.

She saw Bohdan putting Spike down on the bed. Not recognising him, Dawn grabbed for the crossbow she knew lived behind the ladder, and pointed it at the intruder. "Let me see your hands. I have a crossbow aimed at your heart," she said, forcing her voice to remain steady.

Bohdan raised his hands above his head, and slowly turned towards her.

"Who are you?" Dawn asked coldly.

"I am a friend, helping out on a job."

Dawn snorted. "Some help you were. Why isn't he the one carrying _you _around?"

Bohdan shrugged. "I am human, and he's a much better fighter."

"How did you get in here?"

"He told me how."

Dawn chanced a glance at Spike. He looked truly awful. "Spike!" she shouted. "Wake up! Is he telling the truth?"

Spike whimpered.

Dawn had been worried and anxious before, but now she was terrified. She'd never heard him make a noise that … feeble … before.

"Spike!" she shrieked. "Say something!"

"'S fine, Bit," he croaked out. "Safe."

Dawn dropped the crossbow and ran to the bed. Her knees gave out beneath her when she saw his burned and blistered face. Tears started streaming down her face.

"He needs blood, painkillers, and something for the burns," Bohdan said. "Do you have those here?"

"Blood's upstairs in the fridge," Dawn said, her eyes locked on Spike's face as her hands fluttered over his body, looking for a part of him that was safe to touch. "Dunno about the rest, but if he has it here, they'll be in the first aid box under the sink."

Bohdan left them and climbed up the ladder.

"It's okay, Spike," Dawn said, grasping his hand in hers. "Everything's okay now. I'm gonna take care of you." _He's not dust. That's the important thing. Vampires can heal _anything_ so long as they're not dust._


	21. Chapter 21

Giles was drinking his first cup of tea and wishing Spike hadn't ruined Weetabix for him. They were out of bread for toast, and the only other cereal in the cupboard was some god-awful sugary concoction with marshmallows in.

_I really must get back home. _He stared into his tea. _Where is home now?_

He'd built a life for himself, back in Bath. It wasn't perfect, but it was _his_. For the first time in five years, he had control over his own life, his own priorities.

He had created a job that suited him, combining the purely academic follow-up to his experiences he'd always wanted to do, but had never had time for; the odd bit of teaching for trainee Watchers; and acting as liaison between the Council and a powerful coven in Devon.

More importantly, he had friends – _adult_ friends – with whom he shared things that had nothing to do with slaying. He couldn't remember the last time he'd _seen_, let alone eaten, junk food.

His five years in Sunnydale had been so _intense _– soul-soaring joys and heartbreaking sorrows. The break had been blissful.

_The break._ But Buffy being back changed everything. Didn't it?

* * *

It turned out that although Spike had no painkillers, he had _a lot_ of stuff for burns. Like, a drug store's worth. And there was nothing that hadn't been opened.

Until now, Dawn had never really thought about the fact that Spike nonchalantly ran around in daylight with just a blanket for protection _all the freaking time_.

_Stupid vampire._

_And everyone says _Drusilla_ is the batshit crazy one._

* * *

Willow woke up early feeling cold and lost. When she opened her eyes, she saw Tara huddled way over on the other side of the bed, as far away as she could get.

"Baby?" Willow whimpered. "Please stop punishing me. I _love _you."

Tara rolled over and looked at the only person in the whole world who was _hers_. Willow's eyes were all puffy from crying and her nose was blotchy. Tara still thought she looked beautiful. And her heart ached because she knew Willow was hurting and it was in her power to comfort her.

"I'm not punishing you, Willow," Tara said blearily, for what felt like the thousandth time. "You did something that scared me, and I needed a little space."

"I-I'm sorry!" Willow wailed miserably. "I just wanted to make things better." Then she started crying again.

"Oh, Sweetie." Tara finally caved, moving across the bed, and wrapping herself around Willow, who was gratefully burrowing into her arms. "I know. I know you did," Tara soothed. "But you have to let people make their own choices. Even if they're bad or you don't like them. _Especially _then."

Willow cried herself out relatively quickly and went back to dozing, finally able to relax now that Tara was allowing physical contact again.

Tara lay in their bed, wide awake, stroking Willow's hair, while she considered their situation. Ever since she'd gone along with Willow's idea to put Dawn into trance, Tara had felt uncomfortable staying in the house – hypocritical and guilty. How could they continue to act as Dawn's guardians after putting her in so much danger? Her conversation with Dawn yesterday had made her feel a bit better about that, but she suspected Willow still only felt guilt about Dawn _finding out_, not about what they'd done.

It didn't help that Willow was feeling _everything_ as a personal rejection right now – and becoming so defensive as a result, that it was impossible to talk to her about anything.

Tara worried that Willow's unhappiness was becoming toxic.

So far, all she had done was make a phone call. But Tara knew her Willow: unhappy-Willow got easily consumed with _fixing _things, taking control of herself and her environment. For someone with Willow's power and increasingly casual use of magic….

Tara was becoming convinced that she and Willow needed to leave Revello Drive – as soon as possible.

The problem with leaving _now_, though, was Buffy. _There's no way Buffy can handle bills and laundry and – oh goddess, Buffy's _cooking_!_ Dawn might starve to death if it was just her and Buffy in the house. Either that, or turn into a sumo wrestler from all the take-out.

Tara found herself wishing Spike was still there. It would make everything so much easier. And _there _was a majorly wigsome thought. _When did Spike become so indispensible?_

_Then there's the money. _Buffy would be losing eighteen hundred a month in rent with all three of them gone. That was a _lot_.

Tara desperately wanted to talk through all of this with someone else – share the burden a little – but the only person she opened up to like that was Willow.

It all was such a mess.

Giving up on getting any more sleep that morning, Tara left the still-sleeping Willow in their bed, and padded downstairs in search of coffee.

Someone had opened the blackout blinds in the kitchen, and it felt weird seeing it bathed in morning sunshine again. She had almost forgotten what it looked like.

Giles was still there, drinking tea, and staring off into space.

"Morning," Tara said, beginning to fuss with the coffeemaker.

Giles smiled vaguely, still lost in his own thoughts. Not wanting to appear rude, he forced himself to speak, asking, "How did you sleep?" before he caught himself. _Bloody stupid question. _He really had no idea what to say to Tara. He didn't think he'd ever even _seen _her without Willow before.

"Uh … not great," Tara said, shrugging. "Kinda disrupted."

Giles made a noise suspiciously like a harrumph, mostly from embarrassment. "Er, yes. Of course." He took a deep breath and sighed into his tea.

"So are you gonna, um, stay now?" Tara asked, hesitantly. She had never really spoken to Mr Giles before, except in passing. "Sunnydale, I mean, not, you know, this house." _Although … maybe if _he _lived here…._

"I … I haven't really had a chance to think about it yet…."

Tara was surprised, and she showed it. "Oh. I thought with Buffy back you would just…."

"I dropped everything to come here as soon as I could," Giles said coldly.

"Of course!" Tara said, flushing with embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…."

Giles took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "No, I'm sorry. This is … it's all a bit overwhelming, isn't it?"

Tara nodded vigorously, her eyes open wide.

Giles looked over at her. "And almost impossible for you, I imagine." His voice grew gentler. "How are you, really?"

"I'm coping," Tara said. She squirmed a little, uncomfortable to be talking like this with Mr Giles. "It was hard, after you left. Y-you really hurt them – Willow and Xander. They weren't ready to lose you, too."

Giles sighed softly. "I expect I did hurt them, and I'm sorry for that."

He had a sudden moment of clarity. I_ needed taking care of then, desperately, and there has never been anyone in Sunnydale to do that for me. There _still_ isn't._

"I was in no fit state to take care of anyone else, then." He smiled, ruefully. "I'm not sure that I am now. But I will do whatever I can."

"Buffy's … _yours_, isn't she?" Tara said hesitantly. "Like family, I mean." She had a flash of intuition about how devastated Giles must have been – Buffy had been his world, like Willow was hers.

"Yes," Giles said, surprised to hear Tara articulate it like that. "She is."

Tara let out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding. She'd found someone she could talk to. "Mr Giles? I think Willow and I need to move out."

* * *

Spike started talking again shortly after Dawn finally managed to get the second bag of blood into him.

"'Lo, Bite Sized," he said softly.

"Spike!" she shrieked, throwing herself at him.

"Ow! Fuck!" he howled, before he could stop himself. Dawn scrambled back abruptly.

"Ribs?" she said.

"Yeah," he grunted.

"Why is it they always seem to go for your ribs?"

Spike tried to laugh, but it quickly turned into an agonising coughing fit that left blood on his lips.

Dawn winced.

Spike could feel bone poking through one lung, and his head was not happy with the motion from coughing. He closed his eyes and concentrated on feeling the pillow in an effort to stop the spinning. "Dunno, pet. Reckon I'm jus' lucky that way."

"Does it hurt? Your face?" Dawn edged back towards him, tentatively.

"Nerves're mostly dead there, so no." He grimaced. "Pain'll come as it heals."

"What happened?"

"I was bloody stupid, 's what happened." Spike sighed. Then winced. Breathing _hurt_.

"What's new there?" Dawn quipped.

Spike opened his eyes to glare at her. "Oi!"

Dawn's face went serious. "How bad is it? Really?"

Spike shut his eyes again, gingerly prodding his torso and abdomen. He felt squelching. "Bad."

Dawn clutched at his free hand.

"It'll all heal, Bit. Promise. Just needs time."

"And blood."

Spike grinned. They both winced when his skin audibly crackled at the movement. "Really not lookin' forward to regrowin' those nerves," Spike muttered. "Now give us that burn ointment. Gotta save my handsome face."

* * *

Giles got up to make another cup of tea, reeling slightly from Tara's concerns about Willow. Part of him felt desperately sorry for her, and another part just wanted to throttle her.

"Um, there's something else I think you should know," Tara continued, hesitantly. "It's about B-Buffy's nightmares…." Tara really hoped she was doing the right thing. _Whatever Spike had been doing, it was _helping_. We couldn't even get close enough to wake her up until after it was over._

Giles put down his cup, frowning. "What about them? Did something else happen last night?"

"N-not that I heard…. But I think she gets them every time she sleeps."

"But that's not … we'd have heard something—"

"Spike's b-been with her. Until last night, when he wasn't. I think that's why it was so b-bad."

Giles sat before his knees collapsed under him. "They – they're _sleeping_ together?" He tried to keep the horror out of his voice.

"No!" Tara said quickly. "I-I'm pretty sure they're not, you know, _sexy _sleeping together." Tara paused, trying desperately to ignore the fact he'd just said "sexy" to _Mr Giles_. "I think Spike's just b-been sitting in a chair while she sleeps…."

She remembered watching Spike scoop Buffy into his arms, how she'd clung to him. _Maybe not always in the chair…._

"B-but I kinda sorta maybe think he should move b-back in," Tara sped through the words, wincing in preparation for an explosion. As far as she knew, Giles _hated_ Spike.

To her surprise, he just stared at her, mouth slightly open.

_This is it, _Giles was thinking frantically. _This is when I must decide whether or not to trust him._

Tara left Giles to his deliberations. It was getting late and she needed to get showered and dressed.

She passed Willow on her way up the stairs. It was weird – she was fully dressed and coiffed, but Tara couldn't remember hearing the shower. Or the hair dryer.

She put it down to the intensity of her conversation with Mr Giles, and, kissing Willow lightly, just continued upstairs to get ready for the day.

Willow continued on to the kitchen. "Hey," she said carefully to Giles from the doorway.

Giles jerked out of his second reverie of the morning. He avoided eye contact, taking off his glasses and focussing entirely on polishing them while Willow got out a mug and filled it with coffee.

"You and I need to talk," Giles said, finally looking up from his glasses.

* * *

Bohdan watched Dawn feeding Spike more blood – now laced with the liquid morphine he'd brought back – and wondered how it was that no one had ever noticed how very alike they were. To him, it was so obvious.

When Spike had finished the medicated blood, Dawn placed the empty mug on the floor and scooted back to sit against the headboard, her knee resting lightly on his shoulder, and his nearest hand grasped between both of hers.

"Dawn," Bohdan said. It still felt odd to think of the Key as a _person_, with a name.

She looked up, startled. She'd almost forgotten he was there.

"Is your sister likely to be home this evening?"

"I guess so." Dawn shrugged. "You know Buffy too?"

"By reputation only." Bohdan paused. "There are some things I need to tell her."

"'Bout bloody time," Spike grumbled.

"The Watcher is still staying with you?"

Dawn nodded yes, feeling slightly creeped out now. This guy seemed to know a lot, for someone she'd never even heard of before today.

"Need Anya there, too," Spike said.

"Why?" Bohdan asked, genuinely confused. "She's human. Useless, no?"

Dawn sniggered.

Spike would have laughed, if he hadn't known how much it would hurt. "Our Anyanka was a vengeance demon for more'n a millennium, but tha's not the point. She needs to be there 'cause _she's _the one that speaks to the clients."

"Ah," Bohdan said. He frowned down at Spike. "Will you be mobile by nightfall?"

Spike growled at him.

Bohdan twitched his lips. Dawn thought he might be holding back a laugh. "You can't raise your head or sit up without help."

"Yes, I will sodding well be able to move by then," Spike snapped.

"I believe you," Bohdan said, raising his hands placatingly.

"Will someone please explain to me what the _hell _is going on?" Dawn asked, alternating glares between Spike and Bohdan.

"Mr Mysterious here has some big secret to reveal, an' doesn't want to tell it twice," Spike said. Then he moaned a breathy "Oh, fuck," arching his back slightly off the bed, and letting his eyes flutter shut.

"What's wrong?" Dawn asked, voice high and panicky.

A goofy grin spread over Spike's face as he sank back into the bed, eyes still closed. "Shhh, pet," he murmured. "'S just the morphine."

Dawn relaxed.

Bohdan twitched his lips again, and went upstairs to wait.

"Gon' sleep now," Spike said, his words thick and slurred, as he let the drug suck him into unconsciousness.

"'Kay," Dawn said, shifting lower in the bed, and curling herself around his arm. She wasn't really tired, but she didn't want to leave him. There was still a part of her that was terrified he might turn to dust if she blinked or looked away.

* * *

"But my spell wouldn't have _worked _if she'd died by natural causes," Willow said, fighting back the urge to stamp her foot.

"What?" Giles asked, incredulously.

"Osiris doesn't intervene in mortal deaths. I can't believeyou didn't know that!" Willow sneered.

Giles slumped in his chair. "If Buffy's death wasn't natural…."

"She _must _have been in some kind of hell dimension. You see? I _had _to rescue her."

Giles felt his heart skip a beat. Almost five months of hell. And he'd done _nothing_.

_Only…. _

"Glory's portal opened _every _dimension," Giles said softly. "Just because Buffy didn't die a natural death, doesn't mean she went to a hell dimension. She could just as easily have been in – in the dimension without shrimp."

"It was _Glory_," Willow scoffed. "It had to have been a hell dimension." But for all her projected certainty, a tiny seed of doubt started to sprout routs.

"You didn't _check_. How hard would it have been, Willow? There are whole _books_ of spells on how to find out where someone's soul has gone after death. At least one of them is on a shelf in the Magic Box!"

"So maybe I should've checked!" Willow said. "But she's back – it all worked! What can it matter _now_?"

Giles took a deep breath and stopped himself – again – from grabbing Willow by the shoulders and shaking her. "Because if we are to help Buffy recover, we have to know what the problem is!"

* * *

Buffy lay on her bed, listening to Giles and Willow fighting on the floor below. She couldn't make out enough of the words to truly follow the argument, but she knew it was about her.

Her stomach ached from hunger, but the thought of going downstairs made her feel sick and anxious.

The weight of pretending to be fine just kept getting heavier.

_They're all so worried about me._

_And I'm all _wrong_._

She wanted to cry, but she didn't have the energy for it anymore. So she just lay there, staring at the wall, waiting for time to pass and things to get better.

* * *

Anya was having a magnificent day.

She'd achieved four orgasms that morning, a personal best for a Saturday.

Then, as she was opening the Magic Box, the bank had called to tell her that thirty thousand dollars in cash had been deposited in the store account.

Just imagining the new balance made her seriously consider closing the store to run home for a quickie. But it was October, and the thought of losing pre-Halloween sales made her stay.

She wondered, very briefly, what had happened to change Spike's mind last night. He had sounded a bit odd on the phone. _Oh well. Not important compared to all that beautiful money!_

And as if all that wasn't enough, the Halloween rush seemed to have started a week early, pushing her usual Saturday takings up by ten per cent. _Before_ lunch!

When Dawn called to invite her and Xander over for dinner and a Scooby meeting, it just seemed fated. She and Xander could announce their engagement! A perfect ending to a perfect day.

* * *

Giles didn't think he'd ever felt so drained just from a conversation. But at least he now knew everything Willow did about the resurrection spell.

He started going over his notes again. _Fawn blood for Vino de Madre._

He shuddered, remembering Willow's very reluctant description of how she'd got it. Infinitely preferable to sacrificing human virgins, but … she was tainted now. Susceptible to dark magic in a way she hadn't been before. In conjunction with Tara's concerns, that was very worrying indeed.

_Arabian for Scimitar Oryx horn. Pinecones – possibly wrong species? Feather – used goose in absence of clarification. No other significant substitutions._

_Green light – during the spell and after, when the dark magic manifested for balance. Why green? Osiris' colours are green and black. Key is a green ball of energy. Coincidence?_

_Dark magic _definitely _gone now? Can we be sure of that?_

_Spell interrupted. Broken circle. Urn smashed. Mind and body_ not_ treated separately in spell – so that much of it was all or nothing. Girl and Slayer? Could be schism there? Or just reaction to trauma._

_**Not **__mortal death? But might be other reasons for Osiris to intervene. Powers That Be? Slayer? Key?_

It wasn't enough. He needed a resurrection expert. And an Osiris expert. And someone who really understood how spells were affected by outside factors like Slayers and Keys and hellions.

He needed the Council and the Coven. He sighed. He was going to have to go back to England.

* * *

On the way to Revello Drive, Bohdan promised himself he would never again doubt the recuperative abilities of vampires.

Spike had indeed been mobile by sunset. He looked truly awful, couldn't bend without a great deal of pain, and his balance was shaky. But his injured knee was miraculously still taking his weight and his head had recovered enough for him to be able to make slow, smooth movements relatively pain-free.

He was also completely lucid. It seemed vampire metabolisms went through morphine rather faster than human ones.

Bohdan missed driving with an unconscious Spike – he was quieter and made fewer threats.

When they arrived, everyone was waiting for them in the living room. The two couples were squeezed onto the couch, with Giles in the single remaining armchair, and Buffy on a chair pulled in from the dining room.

Dawn had called the meeting, so no one had known what to expect. But they definitely hadn't expected Spike with a layer of his face burned off and some guy who'd bought an expensive necklace at the Magic Box a couple days ago.

Once the inevitable shocked-Scooby ruckus had died down a bit, Spike and Dawn moved further into the room, leaving Bohdan alone in the doorway.

"My name is Bohdan Kosík," he started.

"But tha's not important," Spike mocked. "Or so he keeps sayin'."

Dawn sniggered. Bohdan glared at them. "What I have to tell you relates to the Key."

Total silence fell in the room. Buffy stood, gently moving Dawn into her vacated chair and repositioning herself between her and Bohdan. At the same time, Spike was sidling into position to block Bohdan from moving further into the room in their direction.

Bohdan saw them doing it, and smiled. "She has nothing to fear from me. I swear it."

Neither one moved or relaxed.

"I will give you the simplest version that I can," Bohdan continued. "Until seven years ago, I was a Knight of Byzantium. After I left, I was still connected to that world through friends among the monks in the Order of Dagon. Their Abbot, Michal, and Brother Radan – the man whose death you witnessed, Slayer – were my closest boyhood friends. Before the Beast had Michal killed, we got drunk one night, and he told me about how they made the Key human. The story he told me was a little bit different to the one he told Radan, and that Radan told you."

"Different how?" Buffy asked.

Everyone was suddenly focussed on Buffy. She was poised to attack; her voice was clear and firm. It was the most normal they'd seen her since her return.

"Michal thought the Slayer would _probably _defeat the Beast, but he has never been one to put all his eggs in one basket. So when they made the human host for the Key—"

"In the room!" Dawn said, incensed.

"My apologies, Dawn," Bohdan said, seriously. "I have spent so long thinking of you as non-sentient, simply energy, it is … difficult … to change such patterns after so many years."

"Try harder."

Bohdan inclined his head toward her. "So when … Dawn … was given life, she was made from the two strongest warriors Michal could find."

"_Two!_" Giles interjected.

"Yes," Bohdan continued. "Two. The Slayer, and the Slayer of Slayers. Her parents."


	22. Chapter 22

Everyone in the room froze, shocked.

"But vampire sperm is dead," Anya said, finally. "They _can't_ father children. That and the rapid refractory period are what make them such good orgas—"

"Enough, Ahn, with the vampire sex talk!" Xander said.

Buffy looked over at Spike. For once, she had absolutely no idea what he was thinking or feeling. His normally expressive face had shut down completely and he was statue-still.

"This _has _to be a joke, right?" Xander continued, looking around the room for agreement. "I mean … mommy Buffy? With daddy _Spike_?" He laughed, slightly forced and high-pitched.

"_I_ don't see the humour," Anya grumbled.

"C'mon, man," Xander said to Bohdan, a smile firmly fixed on his face. "Spill. What's the _real _story here?"

"I really am a former Knight of Byzantium," Bohdan said slowly. "And the K- _Dawn _really was created magically from the essences of the Slayer and the Slayer of Slayers."

"Nuh-uh," Xander said, letting out a slightly hysterical giggle. "No way. Did Spike put you up to this? Are you a poker buddy or something?"

"It's no joke," Bohdan said. "_Look_ at her. Can you not see them both in her face? The way she moves?"

They all looked. Seeing Buffy in Dawn's features and mannerisms was familiar – normal. But Spike?

"Her _eyes_," Giles breathed.

Once they started looking, even Xander couldn't un-see it. His smile froze into a grimace.

Dawn's emotions were at war. The idea of Spike being her father was … _so weird_, but somehow almost comforting. It finally made sense of how safe she'd always felt with him, even when he was still actively trying to kill her sist—

Her brain shuddered to a halt.

The idea of Buffy as her mother was just _gross_. They were only five years apart! And it felt like a betrayal of her _real _mother. She wasn't _Buffy's_ little pumpkin belly. _Buffy _had never made her hot chocolate when she was upset.

_Well, she tried that one time … but she just destroyed the pot_.

Dawn felt like she was losing Joyce all over again. The beginning of tears began to prick at her eyes.

"What, precisely, does 'essence' mean in this context?" Giles asked, valiantly hoping that some practical information might make everything less … disturbing. "And why _two_? We understood Dawn had been, er, made from Buffy _alone_."

"'Essence' because there was no physical joining," Bohdan said. "Not even in a test tube." He looked slightly embarrassed. "I don't know the mechanics beyond that."

There was an audible sigh of relief from Xander and Willow at the confirmed lack of sex and vampy fluids. The idea of Buffy and Spike _together_ was just … beyond eww.

"And if Buffy's essence had been the only source, Dawn would have been identical – a twin," Bohdan continued. "A second was required for a new and separate person."

"So … no one's actually biologically related?" Willow said, slowly. "It's just some wacky mystical connection?"

"I don't think the correct terms exist," Bohdan said, shrugging. "Dawn was never an embryo. She _has_ no biological relations. She was created, fully formed, at the age of fourteen."

The knot that had formed in Xander's chest started to unravel. Spike and Dawn had a connection. He'd finally come to accept that in the past few days. So long as he knew that the whole "parent" thing was just magical jiggery-pokery—

_And oh!_ There's _that mental image I was trying to avoid. Dammit!_

As long as there had never been anything going on between Spike and Buffy … it almost made a weird sort of Hellmouth-y sense. They had always had that protect-Dawn-at-all-costs thing going on. _Yeah. Freaksome as it is, if I don't think too hard about how, it kinda feels right_.

Giles frowned. "If Dawn was made from a combination of Spike and Buffy, how was _Buffy_ able to close Glory's portal? We understood it to have worked only because she and Dawn had the same blood."

Bohdan shrugged. "Vampires stop carrying their own blood when they're turned. Perhaps there is something in that?"

"And DNA?" Giles asked, pulling his notebook out and beginning to write. "Clearly, Dawn is not Buffy's identical twin…. But if their blood is identical…."

Bohdan shrugged helplessly. "I had hope _you_ might be able to answer these questions, Watcher. I'm only a soldier."

Giles sighed. _Back to the UK it is then. There's no avoiding it now._

"There are home testing kits," Willow said. "We could get one..." she trailed off as she registered identical death-glares from Buffy and Dawn. "Or, you know, not."

"Does she have a belly button?" Anya asked. "Because if she never had an umbilical cord, she really shouldn't."

"Why, yes, Anya, I _do_ have a belly button, thanks for asking," Dawn said. "And I'm _still in the room_!"

_And there goes that muscle jumping along her jaw. _Xander winced. _Dawnie really_ is_ part Spike._

"Does any of that truly matter?" Bohdan asked. He turned to Dawn. "You were created by _magic_, not science. Your appearance, your personality – everything that makes you who you are – it was all built from components of these two." He gestured to Spike and Buffy. "You are _theirs_, as any child belongs to its parents."

Willow shuddered. She just couldn't wrap her brain around Buffy _as Dawn's mother_.It came with images of five-year-old Buffy giving birth and whole worlds of yuck! It wasn't much better thinking of daddy-Spike. Even if it did sort of explain the totally wig-worthy way Joyce and Buffy and Dawn always seemed to keep accepting him…. The whole situation was just wrong, wrong, wrong! Dawn and Buffy were _sisters_. And Spike was _not_ part of their family!

"Buffy is _not_ my mother," Dawn said firmly. "She's my sister!"

_She's my mother! Slap! She's my sister! Slap! She's my mother AND my sister!_ Xander couldn't help paraphrasing in his head. _At least there's no incest-y badness here. Small mercies. Gotta love 'em._

"Those memories were … kinder," Bohdan said gently.

Spike snorted.

Buffy suddenly realised that he was _angry_, and only barely containing it.

Spike _hated_ being manipulated. And this was manipulation on an epic scale.

He had given up his old, human, desire for children – for family – so many years ago he could barely even remember it anymore. As Anya said, vampires _couldn't _have children. As far as he was concerned, they _shouldn't_, either: the notion of Darla or Dru being a mother made him physically sick. But now, to find that he had a _daughter_ – truly _his_, no matter how she came into existence – and everyone's memories had been fixed to ensure she had _no connection to him at all_.

It was typical of the unending game of kick-the-Spike the world had been playing on him since the day he'd first set foot in Sunnyhell.

"Oh yeah, _much _kinder keepin' me well out of everyone's mem'ries," he said bitterly. "Good enough to donate my 'essence', but only so long as no one ever knows about it."

Bohdan turned to him. "I truly do not believe Michal intended it to remain a secret forever, and I understand this is not easy for you to hear. But it was necessary for Dawn to appear at the time she did. It was also necessary for her to be the age she was – young enough to be cared for, but old enough to understand what was happening."

"What the fuck does that have to do with anythin'?" Spike growled, his eyes starting to flicker between blue and gold.

"Michal doubted a teenaged daughter would be readily accepted by a teenaged Slayer. Add a connection to you? With your … complex … relationship? The Beast was so close, the Slayer had to be _immediately_ willing to do anything to protect the Key. A sister was the safest way."

"Bollocks!" Spike spat. "The amount of mucking about he did with all our heads? He could've changed _anythin'_."

"What sort of childhood memories do you think she could have had with you as her acknowledged father?"

"Drusilla," Giles said softly, "instead of Joyce."

Spike flinched.

"Or would you take away her childhood entirely? Have had her begin her life at fourteen. For what? To save your pride?" Bohdan asked.

"He could've come up with somethin'," Spike said in a more subdued tone. _'S not jus' pride._ "Wasn' right, keepin' me out of it."

"You think someone actively _chose _your memories?" Bohdan laughed. "Wrote out fourteen years of Dawn's life and then implanted them all in one piece? It's ridiculous to suppose such a thing could even be _possible_."

"How then?" Willow asked, leaning forward, fascinated. Tara looked at her sharply.

"The Order of Dagon worked a memory spell." Bohdan paused; he seemed to be searching for words. "A little like a time machine? The spellcaster drops something into the past, and then everyone and everything in that time and place adjusts around it, filling in the detail themselves. The spell is a sort of matrix, connecting Dawn with the world, ensuring that as long as she lives, all of the memories remain consistent with one other. It becomes as if Dawn _really was _born in 1986, and all of you simply reacted to her presence."

Willow was entranced by the idea of such a powerful spell, but only Tara caught the calculating look that flashed across her face.

Buffy felt unable to begin to even process the idea of Dawn as her daughter. She was still trying to get her head around dying for her and then nearly killing her.

She remembered being angry with Dawn about … about _everything_. Being jealous and resentful of the easy, loving relationship she'd had with their mother, while Buffy only ever seemed to fight with her.

_No, not_ _our mother. Dawn's _grandmother_._

Buffy stared down at Dawn. She tried desperately to remember what it had felt like, loving _so much_ that you could die for someone. Die _happy_ and at peace. She knew she had felt that once, but she couldn't reconnect to it. Her memory had a hole where soul-deep love had once been.

Spike felt his entire universe shifting beneath him. He didn't trust magic. Never had. He had changed _so much_ since Buffy had come into his life, and he'd always believed it had been on his terms – his _choice_. But if he'd effectively been under a spell _since 1986 for fuck's sake_?

That dream – the one that had forced him to finally face his feelings for her – that was _after_ Dawn's arrival. Was it even hisdream? Could the monks have dropped that into his memories too?

He'd fought loving Buffy. _Fuck!_ He'd fought it with everything he had. Was any of it real? Had he been fighting against a spell? Was everything just so the monks could make sure he'd protect their precious Key?

All the times he'd risked his life for Dawn, it had been for someone else. First to keep Dru. Then for Buffy, because it would have destroyed her to lose …

_Our daughter._

The words felt like a brand on his brain – painful and permanent.

He had reached a sort of peace the last few months, putting Dawn first. Forcing himself to get out of bed – to feed – for her, when all he'd wanted to do was die. He'd started thinking of himself as a parent, and it felt _so_ _right_. He'd finally stopped denying and fighting against his feelings. Was it all completely meaningless?

If he hadn't truly chosen to follow his heart all those years, putting love first, he couldn't be sure who he was anymore.

"Are all my sisterly feelings fake, then?" Buffy asked. "Mom thought Dawn was her daughter, so the spell made me all consistent?"

Every word made Dawn flinch like she'd been hit.

"No spell can force you to feel things against your nature, against your will," Bohdan said.

Spike's head snapped up. _Still my choice. Still me._ He met Buffy's wide, startled eyes. _Love's bitch, for better or worse._

There was something in his expression that struck Buffy as familiar. And then she remembered.

_That's what it looks like! _That's _how you look when you'd die for someone._

_I used to look like that. Full of love. Just like that._

Buffy's gaze flickered down to Dawn, huddled in the chair. Spike's eyes followed hers. _He looks at both of us like that._ She reached out tentatively and brushed her fingers over Dawn's shoulder. Dawn seemed to relax a little.

Willow was frowning. "But there are _lots _of spells that change emotions."

"Only temporarily," Anya said, witheringly. _What kind of a witch is she? So ignorant! _"You wouldn't believe how many times I was called in because a love spell finally wore off." She leaned forward to look past Xander to Willow. "Then again, maybe you would."

"Ahn!" Xander said sharply.

"What?" Anya whined, pouting slightly. "Willow's hardly innocent when it comes to playing with people's emotions."

"At least I never played with people's entrails!" Willow snapped back.

"Let's not have a repeat of the troll incident, hmm?" Giles said, feeling the beginning of a headache. "I don't think Buffy can afford to replace any more furniture."

"Troll incident?" Bohdan asked weakly.

"You don't want to know," Dawn said. "Trust me."

Anya leaned back into the sofa, fully prepared to spend the rest of the evening sulking. It could not have been a more disappointing end to her day.

"Why'd they pick _Spike_, anyway?" Willow asked. "I mean, first of all, vampire and vampire slayer? That's taking the whole 'opposites attract' thing a little too far if you ask me. Plus … if you've _gotta_ pick a vampire, isn't Angel, like, obvious-guy? He's all about helping the helpless. He has a soul. He actually _dated_ Buffy…."

Giles shuddered at the thought. Much as it pained him to admit to appreciating anything about Spike, he hated Angel so much more.

"Michal never spoke about that," Bohdan said. "But I would think choosing a vampire is obvious. Mostly human appearance, strength to match a Slayer's, and they are impervious to the Beast's magic."

"And it means good and evil are equally represented in the vessel," Anya said thoughtfully. "So they don't get knocked out of balance."

"Why would that be important?" Giles asked.

Anya shrugged. "Hoffy always told us not to upset the balance when we were doing anything major. I assume he had a good reason."

"But why _Spike_?" Willow asked.

"Michal told me that if the Slayer fell, he was the next most powerful force for good."

Spike burst out laughing, just as Willow very nearly jumped out of her seat to shout, "But he's _evil_!"

Spike's laughter, predictably, quickly turned to violent coughing. Dawn, rolling her eyes, got up to help him keep from doubling over and re-injuring himself.

Bohdan sighed. "It wasn't a joke."

By the time Spike managed to get his coughing under control, he was in agony. Dawn pushed her shoulder under his armpit and put her arm around his waist to take some of his weight, while he pressed his head against the wall and closed his eyes in an effort to stop the spinning.

"But … _evil_!" Willow repeated, more confused than angry now.

"I'm not sure I would describe Spike as evil, Willow," Giles said slowly. "Not now."

"I mean sure, he patrols. But only so he can keep killing things!" Willow continued, almost to herself.

"Moving in to look after Dawn isn't exactly textbook evil," Tara said gently.

"Angel never even patrolled," Dawn said. "Just appeared, wrinkled his forehead, and left again."

"Don' make me laugh again, Bit," Spike groaned.

"Personally, I would not risk having the demon who raised Acathla anywhere near a portal to hell dimensions," Bohdan said. "As it is, this," Bohdan pointed towards Spike with his chin, "was the vampire standing with the Slayer against the Beast at the time. The other was … out of the picture."

"Angel leaves," Buffy said quietly, drawing the attention of everyone in the room.

Spike slowly raised his head and opened his eyes, searching until his gaze locked with Buffy's. Dawn felt a shiver run through him. He thought he saw something….

"Spike stays," she continued.

There was a long, awkward silence in the room, as Buffy and Spike seemed to be carrying on a silent conversation. Finally, she tilted her head to one side and raised her chin.

It was not clear to those watching whether it was a challenge or an invitation.

"I don't know what this is," Buffy said finally, "but if you don't mind staying…."

Dawn's eyes lit up. "Does this mean you're coming home?" she asked Spike.

"Yeah," he said softly, finally breaking eye contact with Buffy to look down at Dawn. "Looks like."

Tara found herself meeting Giles' eyes. They shared a moment of guilty relief. Trusting Spike, while clearly not an ideal option, just kept being the easiest one.

"Wait, what?" Xander said, looking around. "I feel like I missed something."

Anya sighed dreamily. "Buffy and Spike were fighting and now they're not. It's all very romantic."

"Riiiiight," Xander said slowly. He waited for a few seconds. "Can we eat now?"


	23. Chapter 23

"I think Spike really needs to lie down now," Dawn said pointedly to the occupants of the sofa.

They stared back at her blankly.

"_Really_?" Dawn said, exasperated.

"What?" Anya asked. "Your persistent staring is making me uncomfortable."

"Get off the sofa," Dawn said flatly.

Spike was _so tired_ of all this. He just wanted to sleep. He pushed himself off the wall, leaning heavily on Dawn, and turned to Bohdan, "Give a bloke a lift, mate?"

Tara stood up guiltily, pulling Willow with her. "G-g-go ahead, Spike."

Anya huffed, but got up. Xander followed reluctantly.

"Ta," Spike said, trying for snide, but mostly just sounding exhausted and in pain.

Dawn looked up at him, worried by his non-reaction. She helped him stumble to the sofa.

They heard the two couples going through to the kitchen, talking about ordering Chinese. Bohdan and Giles followed them.

Something had shifted with the group dynamics – it would never have occurred to any of them before to leave Spike alone in a room with Buffy and Dawn. But now? It came so naturally no one even noticed they were doing it.

Spike knelt in the centre of the sofa and slowly manoeuvred himself horizontal. It was obvious the movement cost him.

"I'll get you more blood," Dawn said. "Do you want morphine, too?"

"Please," he said, shifting around against the cushion, trying to find a position for his head that meant his burns were touching as little as possible. The nerves had started coming back to life and it _hurt_.

Dawn left for the kitchen.

Buffy came to sit on the floor next to him, leaning her head against the sofa arm and drawing her knees up against her chest. He couldn't see her face, but he could see her hands, clasped around her knees.

"They look better," he said, reaching out to touch her, but stopping himself just shy of actual contact. He wasn't sure what to expect from her. She'd taken such a big step, publicly asking him to stay – bound to be a reaction once she'd had time to realise what she'd done.

"I guess," she said, shrugging.

"Not gonna push, Love," he said, finally. "No expectations." He really didn't think he could take a broken nose right now, not on top of everything else.

The silence grew. Not uncomfortable, but not entirely comfortable either.

Just as he started pulling his hand away, she took it in hers, twining her fingers with his.

Tension seeped out of his body in a long sigh. "Buffy, I—"

"Shhh," she said, squeezing his hand.

She knew exactly what she wanted to say: _I was talking about _me_, yesterday. I'm scared and confused and you make me feel things I'm not ready for yet. The way you look at me … I forgot what it means. But I remember now. I _know _and it's okay._ But the words were too heavy within her – she couldn't lift them to her lips. She hoped that she wouldn't need to say them for him to know. He saw so much she never wanted him to see. Surely he would see this too?

Dawn jerked to a halt in the doorway when she saw where Buffy was, what she was doing. "What, you care now?" she asked, eyes narrowed.

"Bit—" Spike started.

"It's okay," Buffy said. She placed Spike's hand back on the sofa, her fingers trailing up his arm as she let him go, letting her body brush casually against him when she got up.

His skin sang with every touch. He wanted so much to grab onto her and wrap himself in the scent of her skin, to feel her heat warming him. But he was tired and in pain and the sofa was too small for two.

"I'll go," Buffy said, her hand lingering in the air, almost but not quite still in contact. "You need to rest."

She smiled at him then, not with her lips but with her _eyes_ – and it was so much the more precious for it.

Dawn watched her out of the room, then flopped onto the floor, pulling Spike's arm around her, scooting down until her head could rest against his shoulder.

"I hate her," Dawn said petulantly, putting down the mug of morphine-laced blood and pushing the curly plastic straw into a position where Spike could reach it without needing to move.

"No you don't," Spike said, pulling lightly on her hair.

"Little miss 'all my sisterly feelings are fake'? Puh-lease."

"You know she didn't mean it like that."

"Maybe," Dawn said, sounding tired and defeated. "Why are you defending her, anyway? I'll bet she didn't even apologise to you for yesterday."

"My Sweet Bit," he said. "So fierce."

"Yeah, well." She smiled weakly. "Guess I come by that honestly, Big Bad … _Dad_."

He ignored the surge of powerful emotions at being called _that_. It was … too new, too unexpected. "All you Summers women are fierce, pet. Nothin' to do with me." _Better she have Joyce. Far better than me._

"A-are we okay?" Dawn asked, voice suddenly smaller. "I mean, you were kinda … angry, before."

"Never with you, Pigeon." He reached over to drop a kiss on the top of her head. "You're _mine_ an' I'm _yours_. 'Til the end of the world. Tha's what matters. The rest? Can take it or leave it. Your choice."

Dawn stayed with Spike in companionable silence until he passed out, then went straight upstairs to barricade herself in her room. She didn't want to spend any more time with them all staring at her, looking for signs of Spike. She especially wanted no more of their obvious disappointment when they found them.

_I miss you, Mom. So, so much._

* * *

The others had a pleasant dinner in bald denial. It could almost be described as cheerful.

When Buffy announced she was going to go patrol, Willow almost jumped out of her chair. "I'll go with you!" she said excitedly.

"Hey, yeah," Xander said, smiling. "I'm in. Be like old times."

"Why would you willingly put yourself in danger like that?" Anya asked incredulously. "The last time you went on patrol, you were injured and we couldn't play Backstr—"

"_Ahn_!" Xander shouted, mortified.

"What?" Anya said. "Buffy's back now! I don't understand why you want to take unnecessary risks."

"Well there's no reason _you_ have to come," Willow said. "You can stay here, where it's all safe." She smiled encouragingly.

Anya looked at her consideringly. "I suppose." She turned to Buffy, "You promise not to let Xander get hurt?"

Buffy nodded. "Cross my heart and hope to d—" She blanched. "Definitely too soon."

After the patrol-bound had left, Giles and Tara found themselves momentarily alone in the kitchen.

"Tara, do vampires have auras?" Giles asked.

"I don't know," Tara said thoughtfully, a little surprised by the question.

"You don't know?" Now Giles was surprised.

"They have no life force, no reflection … but they think and feel, so maybe?"

"You've never thought to look at Spike's?"

"Well, it's not like we see each other much. I mean, he's usually asleep when we get up, and then he goes out to patrol pretty much as soon as we walk in the door…."

"You mean it's _only _been _Spike_ patrolling? All this time?" Giles goggled. "I don't understand. Willow and Xander _always_ carried on Buffy's patrol before, when she was … unavailable."

"It was … different this time," Tara said. "Someone had to stay home with Dawn at night. Willow and I had full-time classes. Xander had the summer construction rush. Anya had to do all the Magic Box stuff on her own. Plus we were trying to find a way to bring Buffy back. When we realised Spike was _already_ patrolling … it just seemed easier to let him keep going on his own. And I mean, really? He's stronger than any of us, knows more about demons. He's … _better_ at it, than we could ever be."

"But it's—"

"I know," Tara said, guiltily.

"A vampire taking over the duties of the Slayer? It's just _wrong_."

"It does kinda make your brain hurt."

"As you say…."

* * *

"Who was the client, Anya?" Bohdan asked, as soon as they were alone in the dining room.

"What client?" Anya said shiftily. "I have no clients." She plastered on her biggest, stupidest grin and batted her eyelashes.

"I was at Jenoff's last night," Bohdan said. "With him."

"Oh," Anya said, dropping the coquetry.

"It was a set-up."

"_What?!_"

"It would make everything so much easier if I felt sure I could _trust_ him," Giles said, frustrated.

"I know what you mean," Tara said. "He just keeps being _there_ when we really need someone. The path of least resistance."

"That doesn't make it right to use him. In fact, quite the opposite."

"He's Dawnie's _father_. I don't think he's going anywhere."

"Don't remind me," Giles said, shuddering.

"Doesn't that make him, like, your son-in-law? Or something?"

"I need a drink," Giles said, feeling the earlier incipient headache returning.

Tara giggled. "Don't get jet lagged."

Giles sighed. "Maybe I'll just go to bed. It's been a very long day."

"We. Got. Paid," Anya said. "Do you need a diagram to understand?" She glared at Bohdan. "And I am _not_ giving the money back."

"I'm not suggesting you give the money back!" Bohdan said quickly.

"Good."

"It just – it doesn't make any sense."

"You destroyed all the contracts in the box?"

"Yes."

"Maybe his contract was there, but he didn't want us to know his real name for some perfectly inane rich-person reason."

"Perhaps. But how could he know we'd destroy all the contracts?"

Anya shrugged. "I think you're reading far too much into this."

"And why pick _nikdo_ as a pseudonym?"

"Because it sounds like a real name," Anya said slowly, as if speaking to a child.

"Perhaps," Bohdan said thoughtfully. "But we need to know, one way or the other."

Anya nodded, frowning. "Everything was by email. Willow might be able to trace it back to its source. But really, I'm sure we'll discover that it was someone like Donald Trump and he just didn't want us to know who he was."

Bohdan rubbed at his face. "It's late. We can talk more about this another day."

He was a little surprised that no one had asked him _why_ he had told them about Dawn's parentage – or why _now_. He was even more surprised that it had been the Slayer's friends who seemed to have taken the news the hardest. He had always thought the biggest resistance would come from the vampire.

But then again, Spike was a very strange vampire.

He made his farewells, and started back to his motel to sleep.

* * *

"When I said it'd be just like old times," Xander called out wheezily, jumping over a gravestone, and only just avoiding the vampire lunging for his neck, "I didn't think we'd be going back to me being the _bait_!" His voice was getting higher pitched with every word, erupting into a shrill squeak at the end.

He could hear Willow's projected giggles echoing in his head as Buffy threw a stake into the vampire, covering Xander in a film of dust.

Buffy managed a weak smile. "But your girlish screams are so attractive – to vampires."

"Thanks, Buff. Really."

Willow hadn't felt so happy in months. It was just her and Buffy and Xander, on patrol. And she was helping! No more liability-girl. Her new ball-of-sun spell had taken out almost as many vampires as Buffy, and her ability to speak inside their heads meant Xander ran much less risk being bait than back in the day, when it was all with the running and the screaming and the never quite knowing if you'd get there in time.

Buffy was a little on the quiet side, but hey, not even out of hell a week! And they were _together_, which was the most important thing, as far as Willow was concerned. The three of them, against the monsters.

She felt like she was walking on air all the way home.

Anya was spitting mad by the time they returned from patrol. They'd been gone _hours_. She was exhausted and _so bored _of talking to Tara. She knew _nothing_ about money. Or penises. Or torture. And really, what else was there?

_Gods! Why has no one replaced the television yet?_

And Xander _still_ hadn't told anyone about their engagement. There had been a moment at dinner, when she'd thought he was going to … but no. His "announcement" was that he was full. And about to burp.

She'd been so unsure about getting engaged in the first place – convinced it was just an I'm-about-to-die thing on Xander's part. But with his words, and his kisses, and his face! He'd made her _believe_! But now all he did was say, "The time isn't right yet, Anya. Be patient". _Pfft!_ She was beginning to wish she'd never said yes.

Xander knew as soon as he saw her face: _imminent meltdown in ten, nine, eight…._ He grabbed her arm, half-dragging her towards the door. "Let's go home, Anya. I bet everyone's really tired. Bye everyone!"

Buffy and Willow watched them go, confused.

"I think Anya wanted to go home an hour ago," Tara said. "Well, actually I _know _she did, because that's all she's talked about for the last hour."

Willow snickered as she moved to put her arms around her girlfriend.

"Anything exciting happen?" Tara asked, nuzzling Willow's neck.

As Willow started to describe their evening, Buffy zoned out. She'd hoped the slaying would take some of the edge off of having to act normal, but Willow just kept _helping_. And nifty as that mini-sun was, it meant she'd barely been able to break a sweat. The effort of having to be around other people for so long had exhausted her.

She wandered out of the kitchen and into the living room. All the lights were still on, and Spike looked … dead.

Which wasn't exactly a surprise, but she wasn't used to seeing him so _still_. Even asleep, he twitched and moved and breathed.

Buffy took the throw off the back of the sofa and draped it over him. Then she turned off the lights and went upstairs so she could lie in bed and try very hard not to have more nightmares.

She wasn't hopeful.

* * *

"Willow," Tara said.

"Yeah, Baby?"

"Do you think, maybe, we should move back onto campus?"

Willow frowned. "Why would we do that?"

"Well," Tara said gently. "We only moved in because Buffy was … gone. She's back now."

"And she needs us more than ever!" Willow said. "How can we leave her? Especially with _Spike_ back in the house. Just because he has some 'magical connection' with Dawn…."

Tara gave up on hinting. "Yesterday you called Angel to create a crisis so you could comfort Buffy. That's not healthy."

"I _told_ you I didn't think she'd get hurt!" Willow whined. "And I thought you were done punishing me for that."

"Willow, I was never punishing you!" _How many times do I have to say this?_ "And you b-b-bought ice cream! How can you say you didn't plan for her to get hurt?"

"I conjured it _after_ I offered it!"

"You're over-using magic."

"What?" Willow was baffled. "No, I'm not."

"For _ice cream_? The grocery store was still open. And you could have asked me to buy it if you didn't want to leave Buffy alone."

Willow shrugged. "It was quicker my way. And it's not like it hurt anyone."

"What if something had gone wrong?"

"It was _ice cream_." Willow said incredulously. "And nothing went wrong! Why are you being like this?"

"This isn't about me. You're taking unnecessary risks, Willow. With Dawn. With Buffy. You're trying to control things and you need to stop and think about what you're doing. We're getting worried about you."

"_We_?" Willow's voice suddenly got very, very calm. "Who's _we_?"

Tara felt the bottom drop out of her stomach. "M-me and Mr Giles."

"You talked to him about me?" Willow's eyes went cold and flat. "Behind my _back_?"

"You're scaring me, Willow," Tara said. "I love you, but what you're doing … you need to get out of this house."

"So you're taking his side now? Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?"

"What do you want me to do? Just sit back and keep my mouth shut?"

"That'd be a good start."

Tara reeled back as if she'd been hit. "If I didn't love you so damn much, I would."

"Tara, Baby, I'm so sorry," Willow said, all the anger leeching out of her at the look of pain on Tara's face.

"I'm going to bed."

"Tara…."

Tara waved her off, and went upstairs. After a second, Willow followed her.

Tara was in their bedroom, and she'd shut the door behind her. Willow put her hand to the door. It had never been closed to her before. Not when Tara was on the other side.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Willow said, begging, through the door.

To her great relief, Tara opened it to her. There was still hope.

"It's not that easy," Tara said.

Tara's face was supposed to be _soft_, not hard. Not like this. _Wrong! All wrong!_

"What do you want me to do? Reverse time and take it back?" Willow laughed nervously. "'Cause I might be able to if I…." she trailed off, as Tara turned her back on her, walking away from the doorway, and beginning to change into pyjamas.

Another first: she'd never hidden her body from Willow before. It was one of the things Willow was proudest of, that this shy woman who usually wilted under attention, _blossomed_ when they were together. But Tara was hiding again. _From me. She's hiding from _me_._

"Joke," Willow said, forcing a smile when she wanted to cry and beg and scream. "Don't think I could really—"

"Can we not do this now? I'm tired." Tara sounded so _cold_. She wasn't even looking at her anymore.

_Not hiding, after all._

Willow felt a pit of dread and fear opening up inside her. "Okay," she said weakly.

Tara was _hers_. She was her best friend and her confidante and her safe place in a world that made her feel small and weak. She made everything better – more manageable, even at its most overwhelming.

Tara slid into bed, not moving any further than the very edge of her side.

_She's turning away from me, away from us._

Willow didn't think she could handle another night lying next to Tara, being punished, not allowed to touch her, to feel surrounded by her love and comfort. Tears pricked at her eyes. She fluttered around the room getting ready for bed, when she saw something that made her pause.

_Lethe's bramble._

She couldn't turn back time, but she could do something almost as good.

_We can just forget about it._

She took the bag from the assorted herb box on their dresser, and pulled out a sprig. She held it in her hand, and whispered, "_Obliviscere_." It glowed faintly.

Willow climbed into bed, and Tara immediately rolled over to meet her, her arms sliding easily around her.

"Ooooh, you're all cold," Tara said. "Let me warm you up."

"You're not mad?" Willow said, pressing herself against Tara's beautiful soft breasts, nuzzling into her neck.

"Mad? Why would I be mad?"

* * *

'_What will_ your _mummy sing, precious one?' Dru crooned, nuzzling into the baby's belly._

'_She's not yours!' Darla snarled, reaching for the baby._

'_But I'm hungry!' whined Dru, dancing away, and dropping into petulant game face._

_The baby started crying._

'_Mummy won't love you if you cry,' Dru giggled, tapping it on the nose and tickling under its chin. 'No blood for naughty babies.' She sank her teeth into the baby's femoral artery, and started suckling. 'Peaches and despair.' She hummed in contentment. 'My favourite flavours.'_

_Darla turned away from Dru's greedy slurping, an expression of disgust on her face. 'Is she _your _child?' she asked him accusingly._

Blink

_Dawn was crying, a gaping, bloody wound at her throat._

_He felt _hungry_._

Blink

'_Needs good moist earth to thrive,' Dru said, slyly, holding the bloodless, lifeless baby out to him. 'But everything I plant dies. Plant her for me? Make her thrive?'_

_He started backing away._

_Dru started crying. 'But I have no one left to play with!' she wailed. '_I _want to be Mummy!'_

Blink

_Darla was staring at him, her face contorted with a depth of pain he'd never believed her capable of feeling. 'It burns,' she said. 'Get. It. Out!'_

Spike woke up, sweating.

Buffy was beside him, his hand clasped in hers, whispering, "It's just a dream. It's okay. You're safe."


	24. Chapter 24

Her hair fanned out across his chest, all golden and silky, as she lowered her head and sucked his nipple into her mouth, biting down almost hard enough to draw blood.

He arched into her, making a soft needy noise in the back of his throat.

She moved down his body, alternating biting and kissing, hurting and soothing, until she reached his cock. She gave it a slow, languorous lick along the vein, then sat back on his thighs, no longer touching, but still close enough that he could feel her radiating heat.

"Oh god." His voice was desperate. "Don't stop."

She'd been teasing him for what felt like hours. His entire world had been reduced to a desperate need to come. He strained against the ropes securing him to the bed, not caring about the pain, just wanting to _be in her_.

He knew she was far too far away, but he couldn't keep himself from trying.

"Did I give you permission to speak?" she asked, a dangerous edge to her voice

He shook his head no, anxious to please.

"Then I don't think you've learned your lesson yet," she singsonged. She pulled out the cock ring and dragged it into place_so agonisingly slowly_. The friction zinged through him like electricity, forcing gasps and moans from his throat no matter how hard he tried to stay quiet.

She smiled down at him as she cinched it closed – just a hairsbreadth tighter than was comfortable – earning a truly piteous whimper. "Now, let's see how many orgasms you can give me."

As Anya finally climbed on top of him and sank down with a yip of pleasure, Xander used the last of his dwindling higher brain function to consider that they should really have knock-down screaming fights more often.

The makeup sex was _soooo good_.

* * *

Willow woke up feeling warm and secure. Her head was on Tara's shoulder, her face buried in the crook of her neck, and her knee flung over her hip. Tara was stroking her hair with one hand, while the other rested possessively on her bottom.

Willow hummed into Tara's skin. "Best way to wake up. Ever."

"Definitely," Tara said.

Willow took a deep breath in. _I'm home._ She nuzzled into Tara's neck and slid her hand under her girlfriend's pyjama top to start exploring her skin.

Then Tara's belly let out an explosive gurgle, and they both collapsed into giggles.

"I think breakfast would be very much of the good," Tara said.

"Breakfast in bed could be better," Willow said, her fingers lazily stroking across Tara's ribs, lightly brushing her knuckles against the bottom swell of her breasts. "I could whip up some … cream?" Willow grinned, "For fruit, of course."

"That sounds delicious," Tara said, licking her lips.

"Coffee too?" Willow asked, reluctantly sliding out of bed.

"Mmmm, perfect," Tara said, stretching. She looked at Willow with such love she was almost glowing. "I'm so lucky to have found you."

"Oh Tara," Willow said, a dark shiver running through her. "I'd be lost without you."

Willow padded downstairs and into the kitchen. She put water and coffee in the machine and switched it on, then started cutting up fruit. The early morning sun was streaming through the windows and birds were tweeting. Tara was upstairs, warm and loving and waiting. _Perfect_.

Willow put two bowls of fruit, a pot of yoghurt and a can of Reddi Whip on a tray. She was momentarily confused when she couldn't find Tara's favourite mug in the cupboard or the dishwasher, but then she remembered that she had been drinking tea just before the Scooby meeting last night. _Probably still in the living room._

* * *

Xander woke up feeling sore in all the very best places. He loved Sunday mornings. It was the only day of the week they could _both_ sleep in.

He looked down at Anya nestled against his chest, making snuffling sounds in her sleep, a tiny bit of drool hanging out of the corner of her mouth. A swell of love swept through him.

He knew the waiting was killing her by inches. She'd certainly told him so enough times. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, but he didn't see what he could do about it. It wouldn't be _right_ to announce their engagement now.

But Anya only cared about him and the Magic Box – well, the _money_ in the Magic Box, anyway. It frustrated him when she made it obvious how little she cared for everything and everyone else. I mean, who else but Anya would _ever_ have thought it would be okay to announce their engagement right after finding out that Buffy and Spike were Dawn's parents?

At the same time, he was in awe of the immensity of her love. He'd never mattered so much to _anyone_ before. And here was this beautiful, intelligent, experienced woman – who could do things to him with her body he suspected might be illegal in some states – and all she wanted was to spend the rest of her life with _him_, Xander Harris. It was heady stuff.

But it also terrified him, because he had never been able to understand _why_. He knew he wasn't special. He was average looking, not that smart, _painfully_ young compared to her. The best part of him – the part he was most proud of – came from being part of the Scoobies. Take that away, and what was he?

And Anya never seemed to see that. She complained that he was fixated on Buffy. She _still_ got jealous of Willow sometimes – Tara notwithstanding. She only barely tolerated Dawn. He thought she might actually like Giles, but that could just be part of the money thing.

He didn't want to hurt her. But he was terrified that, some day, he would. Badly. He just hoped "some day" was really far away.

But in the meantime….

He nuzzled her hair and she made That Throaty Noise and all the blood rushed from Xander's big brain to his little one in a near-Pavlovian response.

So long as their bodies were talking, nothing else seemed that important anymore.

_Couple more hours of this, she'll be_fine _that I'm gonna spend the rest of the day building Buffy a new coffee table. Totally –"_Oh god yes, right there!"_– totally fine._

* * *

Two steps into the living room, Willow saw them on the sofa. Together. And all of the air rushed out of her body in a great big whoosh.

Spike was half-sitting, half-lying, propped up on a mound of cushions, and Buffy was curled up on top of him. Only her head and the top of his (bare!) shoulders were visible above the blanket covering them, and they were both fast asleep.

Spike's shirt was on the floor and it looked disturbingly post-coital, if your mind was inclined to lurk in that particular gutter.

Willow's was.

"Buffy!" Willow cried, almost shouting.

Buffy wrinkled up her face in an effort to convince her eyes to open. "Hey, Will," she said, her voice thick with sleep. She raised her head, shifting her weight, eliciting a hiss of pain from Spike. She murmured a quick "Sorry," into his chest, then shifted around a bit more, trying harder to keep off his abdomen. "Where's the fire?"

Spike grunted and readjusted his hold on her, but didn't wake up.

Willow still couldn't tell whether they were wearing any clothes under the blanket.

"Oh my god, you're having _sex_ with _Spike_?!" she blurted out before she could stop herself.

Buffy sat up abruptly.

Simultaneously, Spike jerked awake with a yowl of pain, and the blanket dropped to the floor, revealing Buffy's full-sleeve pyjamas plus robe and Spike's jeans.

"Is it morning already?" Buffy said brightly. "Gosh."

_Here we go_, Spike thought. _Reaction time._

Buffy scrambled off the sofa.

_And she's off_.

Buffy fled the room, grabbing Willow's arm and dragging her along to the kitchen.

Spike hooked the blanket up from the floor with his foot and draped it back over himself. It had already lost her warmth, but at least it still carried her scent. He shoved most of the cushions out from under him so he could lay flat again, and tried to go back to sleep.

He was fairly certain he didn't want to overhear whatever Buffy was about to say.

* * *

"Buffy, I just don't get it," Willow said, rubbing at her arm where Buffy's fingers had gripped her. "I mean, ever since you've been … back … you've barely touched _anyone_. Not me, not Dawnie. But now you're all snuggly with _Spike_?"

Buffy was a little thrown by the question.

This _is the part Willow picks to wig at? That I'm not touchy-feely enough with her and Dawn?_

_And really, why does everyone keep assuming I'm having sex with Spike?_

_Okay, maybe that's a dumb question._

"I thought you _hated_ Spike," Willow continued – completely unfazed by Buffy's non-response. "He's a serial killer in prison! He made an ooky stalker shrine to you. And he threatened to feed you to Drusilla! You disinvited him from the house when he told you he loved you!"

Buffy couldn't really argue with any of that. She had hated Spike. And he might as well be the poster boy for immorality and carnage-fun.

"I mean, he kept trying to kill you!" Willow said. "_For years_! And he only stopped because of the chip. How can you _cuddle_ someone who tried to kill you?"

But the killing? That had always been mutual, as far as it went. And … _natural_.

_Unlike what we're_ currently _feeling, which is unnatural and wrong at every level. Really, taking comfort from your sworn enemy is one of those things that should only happen on made-for-TV movies._

"And besides, what could you _ever_ find to talk to him about?" Willow asked – clearly not expecting Buffy to answer.

_So far? Mostly how to survive the kind of memories you really wish you hadn't survived._

_Plus he's pretty good on weapons maintenance._

"He bought a robot that—"

Willow faltered, watching Buffy carefully for a reaction.

"Looks absolutely _nothing_ like you and only helped convince the demon world that you were still alive through pure good luck."

Buffy felt the beginnings of anger stirring. _Skirt-girl._Her eyes narrowed. _I'd forgotten about that._

Willow nodded several times for good measure.

"Anyway, he's sex-bot boy! Er, vampire. Ick!"

A frown of confusion suddenly appeared on Willow's face. "Hey! You went to bed before us. What were you even doing downstairs?"

Buffy really didn't want to remind Willow about her nightmares, or point out the traces of crying she was pretty sure were still visible on her face. Nor did she know how to defend the nebulous _whatever_ between her and Spike. So she went on the offensive.

"Are you seriously asking me to justify my movements in my own home?" she asked coldly.

"No!" Willow said, thinking _Yes!_ She turned pleading eyes to Buffy, her naked desperation painfully obvious.

Buffy was surprised to find how … ambivalent … she felt about Willow and her puppy dog eyes. She remembered caring very deeply about her – even thinking of her as family. But those memories were so far away it was almost like they belonged to a different person. Willow's choice to rip her out of heaven was so much more … immediate.

"Good," Buffy said, plastering on her now well-practiced fake grin. "Then I'm just gonna head back to bed for a bit. Kinda tired." She forced herself to walk calmly out of the kitchen.

Willow stared after her, a little in shock. She wasn't sure exactly what had just happened, but it felt suspiciously like Buffy was choosing Spike over her real, _human_, friends and family.

_I brought Buffy back. I rescued her from hell. I helped her patrol last night._

A moment of blind rage at the _unfairness_ of it all swept through her, leaving her almost giddy in its wake.

But swift on the heels of rage came an almost crushing guilt, as Willow finally registered the bruised look to Buffy's eyes and the slight hoarseness still lingering in her voice.

_Oh goddess, the nightmares! I never even asked…. We just let her go straight to bed last night. I should've offered to make sleepy tea! Or a sweet dreams spell. Or to just sit with her._

_Why didn't Buffy_ say_anything?_

A small, quiet, voice inside her whispered that it was no wonder Buffy hadn't said anything – that Willow had been so oblivious to Buffy's needs since she'd brought her back that she no longer deserved her trust, let alone her friendship.

_I'm just gonna do whatever I can to make Buffy better. Whatever she needs. It has to be about_ Buffy _now, not about me._

Feeling sick, Willow grabbed two nondescript mugs for coffee, and picked up the breakfast tray to take up to Tara.

Willow put on her resolve face. Things were going to change from here on in. _She_ would change. And she'd do anything and everything she could to make Buffy better again.

* * *

As Buffy crawled into bed, she found herself reaching for Spike.

She wasn't sure what to make of that.

Especially now she was remembering more about the day she'd discovered the existence of skirt-girl. _God, how she'd wanted to dust him._

But then she'd seen _that look_ in Spike's eyes when he was lying, broken, in the crypt, and she'd had a terrible, awful idea.

If he loved her that much when he had no hope … what would he be willing to do with a little encouragement?

So she'd kissed him.

She gave him his crumb.

And then she'd made him promise the woman he loved that he'd protect Dawn.

Because she hadn't just been willing to die to keep Dawn safe – she'd been willing to sacrifice him.

It was _wrong_ what she was doing right now. Spike might love her, but she could never love him back. For one thing, she was becoming surer each day that she was no longer capable of feeling love. But even if she _were_ capable, the Slayer could never be allowed to love a vampire. It just wasn't _normal_.

So why had she gone to him last night? She'd heard him from her bedroom, and she'd just gone to him. She hadn't been able to do that for Dawn, who was _hers_, and who needed her more. Why could she do it for Spike?

Buffy honestly didn't know.

* * *

Giles was relieved to find the house silent again by the time he emerged from the basement. He hadn't slept well, and he wanted a shower and some tea before speaking to anyone.

It was still quiet after he'd completed his ablutions and was back in the kitchen with his second cuppa.

The breakfast options had not improved any. With all the drama yesterday, no one had made it out to do the shopping.

He picked up the list from the fridge. It included a mixture of Willow's, Tara's, and Spike's handwriting. It brought home to him, again, how much of a fixture the vampire was in the house. How they had all trusted him for months, had slept while he was awake with free roam in the house.

And Dawn truly loved him – that much was abundantly clear.

So what was it, exactly, that he was afraid Spike would _do_?

There was no enemy of the moment for him to betray them to – although that could, of course, change.

He might well do something awful and violent if Drusilla returned, but until she did, that posed no imminent threat.

Giles found himself begrudgingly admitting that he could not come up with any _specific_ dangers posed by Spike being in the house. There was just a general uneasiness, a sense of wrongness that a vampire could live in the home of _his_ Slayer.

But the more he thought about it, the more it seemed like the worst-case scenario was actually the emotional damage to Dawn _were Spike to leave_.

And wasn't that a bugger.

Giles tucked the shopping list into his pocket, and rang for a taxi to take him to the grocery store.

He would ask Tara to look at Spike's aura when he got back. If she saw anything dangerous, he would reconsider, but for the moment, he thought he might just be able to bring himself to start trusting Spike.

_By all rights, this ought to be the first sign of an impending apocalypse._

Giles wrote a note explaining he'd gone to buy groceries on the fridge, and went outside to wait for the taxi.

* * *

Dawn hovered next to the sofa, watching Spike sleep. His face looked better. It was still all red and blistery … but it wasn't _scary_ like it had been yesterday morning. You could see his face through the burns again.

"Tryin' to get some kip here, Bit," Spike rumbled, eyes still closed.

"I can see that, Spike. But I was thinking maybe we could have breakfast together? To celebrate you being home again?"

Spike opened his eyes and gingerly sat up, using the back of the sofa as leverage. It still hurt to bend. A lot. But it was no longer please-let-me-die-now pain.

"How're you feeling?" Dawn asked, worried.

Spike shifted around, feeling himself out. "Better." His stomach let out an audible growl. "Hungry."

"Breakfast it is then," Dawn said, relieved.

Spike levered himself into a standing position, wavering slightly. Dawn put her arm around his waist to keep him balanced.

_Still dizzy. Fuckin' chip._

Knee hadn't quite healed, but it should be fine after another good feed.

"Giles is gone. You can go to bed after, if you want. I'm gonna go hang out with Janice today." Unspoken but understood was Dawn's need to stay away from the staring for a little longer.

"You let her stop grovelling yet?"

"Pretty much." Dawn grinned wickedly. "But I can still totally guilt her into doing anything I want."

"Good girl," Spike said, ruffling her hair.

The walked companionably, albeit quite slowly, through to the hallway.

As they approached the kitchen doorway, Spike stopped. The floor was streaked with sunlight from the kitchen windows.

"Blinds're open," he said.

The kitchen was the only room in the house that he _needed_ to be sunlight-free, because the door to the basement always caught at least a little bit of direct light.

Spike sighed. He didn't actually think anyone had done it purposefully to hurt him – wasn't this lot's style to set traps – but it was depressing to find that he only had to be gone a day before they forgot about him.

"Who would've done that?" Dawn asked, on the edge of panic.

"'Spect someone jus' forgot to pull 'em down in all the drama last night."

Dawn relaxed.

Once Dawn had made the kitchen safe again for vampire kind, they started their usual catalogue of reasons why "that sugary shite" and blood, respectively, were the most disgusting possible breakfast foods known to man or demon.

As Spike finished the last of the blood in the house, Dawn giggled. "You realise Giles is probably out buying you more right now?"

Spike grinned. "Bet he's hating every second of it."

Dawn let out a huge sigh. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"Me too, pet," Spike said. "Me too."

As soon as Dawn left, Spike went downstairs, where he was pleasantly surprised to find that Giles had remembered to swap the bedding around for him.

Once he'd manoeuvred himself into bed, he couldn't stop shifting and fidgeting, trying and failing to get comfortable.

He finally realised it was because he was cold.

Full to bursting with blood, and he was _cold_.

He shivered, not sure if it was the last few nights of basking in Buffy's warmth or his dreams that were affecting him this way.

More'n twenty years since he'd even thought about Dru's babies and it still gave him the screaming abdabs.

And Buffy had come to comfort him: a gift he'd never even hoped to receive.

Then she'd done the truly unthinkable, and actually started _talking_ to him. Revealing her secrets. Trusting him with her fears.

When she told him about the voices that haunted her dreams – the ones that told her she didn't belong here; this wasn't her home; she'd only been brought back because she was convenient – he'd thought his heart would break. For her and for him.

He thought they'd both been crying by the time they finally fell asleep.

* * *

Jenoff stood on his balcony, watching the reconstruction of his casino.

He'd already lost a day's takings from the closure. He was going to lose at least two more.

He'd lost his contracts.

He barely had a security force anymore. They'd all died or run away.

He wasn't sure his reputation could survive this.

He'd _lost_ his _contracts_.

Mini-Sunglasses started tentatively up the stairs towards him. Jenoff had not spoken a word since the chipped vampire had escaped.

"You've been up here for hours, Boss. Can I … can I get you anything?"

There was a long silence. Jenoff's hands tightened around the railing. Without turning, he finally spoke:

"Get me the Order of Taraka."


	25. Chapter 25

Tara and Willow were in the kitchen when Giles returned with the shopping. Since he had no idea where anything was kept, he was grateful for their help putting everything away. However, the exercise was almost painfully awkward. He and Willow had only barely managed to be civil since their conversation about the resurrection spell yesterday, and he suspected it would not be … helpful … if he were to acknowledge his conversation with Tara. So they moved around each other in near-silence, communicating in monosyllables when necessary.

Giles found himself paying particular attention to Tara. She seemed … _muted_, somehow. Softer, quieter, and even more self-effacing than usual. Two days ago, he didn't think he would have noticed a difference. But he'd seen a fierceness in her when they'd spoken yesterday, a subtle strength, when it came to safeguarding Willow's happiness. And that seemed to have disappeared.

Her eyes tracked Willow's every movement, like a child watching its mother in an unfamiliar environment. She was hiding physically, too, her hair hanging over her face instead of lying behind her ears.

She wouldn't meet his eyes anymore.

It worried him.

As Willow brushed past him to put away a box of pasta, he could almost feel ice in the air. How had it come to this? He could barely recognise the girl he'd met five years ago in the woman before him.

When Willow went upstairs to put away the bag of bathroom things, Giles turned immediately to Tara.

"Have you spoken to Willow about moving out?"

Tara gave a guilty start. "Not yet," she said, twisting her fingers together.

"When we discussed it yesterday, you thought it couldn't wait…."

"I was going to – after B-Buffy went to b-bed," Tara said. "B-b-but … I didn't." Her face crinkled in confusion. "I don't remember why, now."

Giles frowned. "What do you remember about last night?" he asked, slightly more sharply than he'd intended.

Tara blushed. "Um, well, Willow told me about patrol, and then we … um…." She trailed off, blushing harder, a slightly dreamy look on her face.

"Right," Giles said, his frown deepening.

Willow sauntered back into the room. "That everything?"

Tara nodded, smiling.

No, _beaming_.

Tara had been so _sure_ that Willow would hurt someone if she stayed much longer in the house.

But now she didn't remember why she'd decided to wait to say something?

Something was off. Not natural.

And Giles had a horrible feeling Willow had something to do with it.

* * *

Spike was sitting in the kitchen, sipping on a mug of … something … when Buffy finally came downstairs a little after four. He was looking better, she thought.

"I didn't think anyone was in here," she said, eyes a bit too wide.

"Can leave, if you want," he said, expression carefully neutral.

"N-no," she said. "It's okay."

He tilted his head to one side, watching her keep perfectly still in the doorway while her heartbeat thrummed like a hummingbird's. "You eaten today?"

She shook her head no.

"Sit," he said, getting up and going over to the fridge. He was still wincing every time he bent.

Not quite knowing why, Buffy went to sit on his vacated stool.

She was surprised to find it cold.

_Vampire. Of course it's cold_, she chided herself. She glanced into his abandoned mug.

_Tea._ _He was drinking_tea.

_Huh._

While Spike started chopping up vegetables at the counter, Buffy noticed an envelope with her name on it lying against the fruit bowl.

The script was precise cursive – old lady writing.

It was filled with hundred dollar bills. She didn't think she'd ever even touched one before.

He'd obviously heard her opening the envelope, because without turning around, he said, "Back rent. Plus some extra for a new telly."

She dropped the envelope back on the table like it was burning her fingers. "Did someone die for this money?"

"No." He sounded resigned, more than hurt.

"Why should I believe you?"

"No need to. Ask Anya. She does my bookkeepin'."

_Huh._ "Maybe I will then."

"You do that," he said.

She picked up the envelope again and started thumbing through the bills. Four thousand dollars. A flicker of covetousness ran through her, and for a split second, she thought about what a four thousand dollar shopping spree would be like.

But that thought disappeared almost as quickly as it had come – the money would all need to go on survival.

Spike poured oil into a pan and added the vegetables. After swirling them around for a few seconds, he left them to cook and started grating the cheese.

_Cheese. Cheese is … good._

"You could go shoppin' tomorrow," he said diffidently, watching her out of the corner of his eye. "Pick out a telly."

"You think _shopping_will help?" she asked scornfully, more angry with herself for wanting it than with him for suggesting it.

"Never known you to turn down retail therapy," he bit back.

"This is … bills money. Has to be." She stroked through the money again.

"Most of it, yeah. But you deserve a treat. There's enough for that."

_I deserve…._ The words sounded wrong in her head. What she _deserved_ was rest. For it to be over. Not this. Nothing here was what she _deserved_.

Spike started cracking eggs into a bowl. It seemed unnaturally loud in the quiet kitchen.

He turned to face her while he whisked them, one hip resting against the counter.

She felt pinned in place by the intensity of his gaze, spread open, like he could see right through to the depths of her.

"Anticipation helps," he said quietly. "If you can find somethin' – anythin' – to look forward to, it'll help."

"Like cheese," she said.

His lips quirked into a smile. "Or a new pair of shoes?"

Her face darkened, the moment broken. "Stop _managing_ me! I'm not crazy."

He turned away from her again, silently continuing the preparation of her omelette.

He thought she would leave, then. Retreat to her room, away from the burden of being noticed.

But she didn't.

He wished he wasn't so sure it was apathy that made her stay.

* * *

Giles left for the Magic Box almost immediately after his conversation with Tara.

He remembered there being a book on memory spells somewhere in the restricted section, and he wanted to take a look at it.

It wasn't there.

He thought it just possible he'd taken it back to Bath. But he didn't think so.

* * *

Spike brushed lightly against Buffy's shoulder when he went to collect her empty plate.

"Don't touch me!" she said, shrugging off his arm and shunting her stool away.

"Christ!" Spike said, nearly dropping the plate. "The day you decide what you want…."

"You're a thing. An evil disgusting thing." Her voice was without inflection, like she was repeating a litany.

"You don't really believe that anymore." _Do you?_

"It doesn't matter whether I believe it. It's _true_."

She was radiating tension, and he could hear real anguish in her voice. _Ah,_ he thought._We're retreating again._ "I've changed," he said gently. "You know I have."

She snorted. "The last time you told me you'd changed, you knocked me out with a cattle prod and I woke up chained to the wall." _Evil vampire. Evil_ soulless_vampire. Bad. See how bad he is._

Spike grimaced. "Realise I shouldn't've done that. Now."

"Yeah, well," she grumbled. _Can you regret without a soul?_

Spike sighed. "Look, this _really_ isn't an excuse, yeah? But … Dru would've thought that was romantic – _did_ think, in fact."

Buffy gaped at him. "I have no response to that statement."

"Look – balls! I dunno how to explain this…. Dru's the only woman I've ever been with—"

Buffy coughed "Harmony!" into her fist.

Spike's gentleness evaporated. "Oh for fuck's sake! I may have been _near_ Harmony from time to time, but I was never _with_ her. And let's say no more about it or I'll start reminiscing about Mr I'll-be-sure-an'-give-you-a-call-sometime."

Buffy stiffened, her hackles rising. "You know what really _stinks_?" she said. "Fungus demons."

Spike glared.

"And you know what really makes me totally wanna vom from the slime?" She smiled sweetly. "Chaos demons."

He let out a frustrated roar. "You can be a real bitch, you know that?"

He was about to stalk off back to the basement, when he realised she was _fighting_ again.

Her previously dead eyes were sparkling with fire.

So he slipped into a stool on the opposite side of the breakfast bar.

Didn't matter if she flayed him, he couldn't walk away now. His Slayer was back.

"Least Dru never had to _pay_ to play away," he said.

He was rewarded with spots of colour appearing in her too-pale cheeks.

"So beautiful," he said reverently, no longer able to hold back his joy at seeing her face animated by something other than pain. "Takes my breath away."

Buffy pulled back, completely thrown by his change of direction.

"You know, you were a lot easier to understand when you were all creep-tastic stalker-guy."

He scowled at her. "Not my soddin' fault I never learned how to woo."

"_Woo_? Did you seriously just say 'woo'?"

"What's wrong with wooing?"

"This from the guy who _stole my clothes_ for a shrine? Who thought it would be a great date to go on a pointless stake-out with a flask of _bourbon_ and then take out a nest of vampires who couldn't escape a wet paper bag?"

"I'd never been on a date before!" he said. "And I really thought they'd be more fun to kill," he added grumpily.

Buffy stopped, shocked. Then she laughed.

She actually laughed.

It didn't matter that it was meant as an insult.

She _laughed_.

"You're pathetic," she said – with far less venom than Spike had expected.

Spike grinned at her.

"Didn' need to _date_ Dru," he said. "She _chose_me, and I worshipped her five minutes after I met her."

"You were _dead_ five minutes after you met her!"

Spike scowled. "I'm tryin' to apologise here!"

"You're doing a really bad job!"

"Well I'm sorry! I was a git last year and I'd do anythin' to take it back!"

They both stopped, then, a little shocked.

"Is a git like an asshole?" Buffy asked, finally.

"Yeah," he said, nodding.

"Did you actually think I'd … I'd be like _Drusilla_? That I'd _like_ any of that stuff?"

Spike twisted his lips. "C'mon, Slayer. If that nest had posed half a challenge you'd've loved every minute of it."

Buffy wrinkled her nose. "Bourbon's still gross."

She was coming back to life.

He only just held himself back from grabbing her by the shoulders and dancing her around the room.

"I was … all over the place, back then. Tryin' to change my nature. For you, I might add. Took a while for my instincts to catch up. If I'd stopped to think for five minutes, I don't think I would've done it. Any of it." He looked into her eyes, piercing and deep and uncomfortable.

"What, Drusilla made you do it?" she said.

He gave her what she'd long ago named The Look: the one that had practically lived on his face while he'd been tied up in Giles' apartment. The one that said _you are just too bloody stupid to live_.

"I'm saying I had to unlearn what Dru taught me. All her lessons involved pain in some way. Often hers. Oftener someone else's. 'S the way Angelus made her." He laughed like it hurt. "_Always_ involved my pain, though. I cut out so many pieces of myself for her…."

Buffy looked sick.

"Not literally, pet." Spike paused. "Well, not all the time."

"_Really_ not helping."

"She needed things most'd view as torture. Didn't matter how much I wanted to give her … somethin' softer. Gentler. Didn' want it. Got her a necklace once. Great big fuck-off ruby in a beautiful settin' – just her style." Spike held out his hands to indicate the size of the stone. He dropped his hands. "Angelus brought her a human heart, still warm. Guess which one Dru preferred?"

Buffy leaned back, hugging her arms around herself. "Remind me what all this ancient history has to do with anything?"

"_That_ was Valentine's Day, 1998." He scowled. "Hardly ancient history." His expression turned thoughtful. "Think've still got the soddin' thing lying around someplace."

Buffy blanched. "The heart?"

Spike glared. "_The necklace!_ For fuck's sake…."

"So, what, it's all good now?" she asked scathingly. "'Cause you've changed to be all about holding hands and long walks on the beach?"

"I was _always_ all about keepin' my lady happy. I just … I forgot … for a while, how to make it more about the flowers than the hearts."

Buffy shuddered. "That's disgusting," she snapped.

His face went serious. "It was whatever _Dru_ wanted. Whether she was aware of it or not, I always gave her whatever she needed. Kept her happy. Kept her safe."

Buffy shifted uncomfortably.

He gave Buffy a long look, finally deciding that now was as good a time as any to talk about his suspicions. "_You_ oughtta know better'n anyone how well I took care of her."

"Why? Because you offered to kill her for me once?"

It was risky, pushing this, but … he wasn't sure if he'd ever get a second chance with her sitting down and actually willing to listen. "Because you used it against me. More than once."

Buffy frowned, puzzled. "Ford's feed-the-vampire cult, sure. And … Acathla?"

"Protecting Dawn," he said, voice tight, totally focussed on her reaction.

Buffy's heart caught in her throat. "No," she breathed, her eyes telling him everything he needed to know.

He nodded, slowly. "I knew when you kissed me, what you were doin'."

Buffy drew back like she'd been hit. "But – why did you-?"

He laughed, like breaking glass. "Because I love you."

"That's not an answer." She was staring at him now like she'd never seen him before.

He gave her The Look again. "It's the _only_ answer."

* * *

Giles let himself in through the front door. He could hear voices in the kitchen, but not the words. Spike and … could be Buffy or Dawn.

He'd never thought about how similar their voices were until then.

He considered making his presence known, but Tara's car was gone from its usual parking place, and he wasn't sure if he'd get another chance to find out whether Willow had the missing book of memory spells.

He crept upstairs and knocked on their bedroom door – just in case – and went in when there was no answer.

Barely a minute later, Giles was sitting down on the edge of the bed, _Mutatio et Creatio Memoriae_ clutched against his chest.

It wasn't the only book from the restricted section that he found there.

Giles felt sick. He'd known for years that Willow was unusually powerful – re-ensouling Angelus _should_ have taken at least three experienced practitioners, not a single novice. And he had always meant to introduce her to one of his contacts for proper training … but although it had always been important, it had never been _urgent_.

It was urgent now.

_Is this my fault? If I had stayed…._

_If I had stayed, Buffy would still be dead._

No matter the cost, he couldn't bring himself to wish that.

* * *

"_Why_ did you fall in love with me?" Buffy asked petulantly.

The curiosity was new. She had accepted the truth of his love the night she'd rescued him from Glory. But she'd never had the time or energy to wonder why before.

"I mean, first you were obsessed with killing me, and then you were obsessed with _annoying_ me, and then you were obsessed with … well, you know. What changed?" She paused. "And I swear I'll break your nose if you give me that 'feelings develop in the workplace' crap again. Burns or no burns."

Spike smiled proudly. _My beautiful strong girl._

"What? Did you just go to bed one night hating me and then, boom! You woke up the next morning in love?"

He looked sheepish. "Pretty much."

Buffy snorted. "That sounds like something Dawnie would—"

She stopped, terrified.

"I meant," Buffy said hoarsely. "It's teenage girl crush behaviour."

He reached over and tucked a curl of hair behind her ear. She shivered, but didn't push him away.

"Always loved watching you fight," he said softly.

Buffy nodded. That made sense. She … liked … watching him fight, too.

"You come _alive_ in a way that's … it's like you're not really breathin' until you're moving. You _dance_. It's … joyous. Can't help but want to cut in." He smiled, seemingly lost in a memory. He turned dark eyes on her. "Like a moth to a flame."

Buffy felt the beginnings of lust stirring up again. The way he _looked_ at her sometimes, like she'd catch fire and burn out just from the heat in his eyes. She pulled back into her chair and folded her arms around herself, trying to raise a barrier against how he made her feel.

"_Always_ knew we'd dance well together," he said. "An' I reckon you knew it too."

She blushed.

He grinned.

"It was a revelation, when I got chipped and you took me in." He tilted his head, a smile twitching across his lips. "Did you never realise how _terrified_ I was?"

He laughed at her shocked expression.

"Bluster was the only thing keepin' me from breakin' down entirely." He gave her a sidelong glance, and it made him look younger somehow.

Buffy suddenly wondered how he'd looked as a child.

"I followed my gut, wagered I'd be safe with you. And you … you _should've_ staked me. So many times you should've staked me. But you forced your friends to take me in and you accepted my swagger – accepted I had a _right_to it – when I knew I had nothing. I _was_ nothing."

"But we … we chained you up. We insulted you. I think we even gagged you a couple times."

Spike said nothing for a few seconds. "But you never tried to break me. You have any idea what went on in that mansion while I was in a wheelchair?"

Buffy shifted around uncomfortably. "We weren't exactly all coffee-date-having back then."

Spike stared at her for a long time, sifting through memories, trying to decide how much to tell her.

Buffy didn't want to know. She'd listen, if he told her, but she'd had enough of his horror stories last night.

To her surprise, he seemed to somehow know that, because he said, "Let's just say it was … worse."

He saw Buffy relax and knew he'd read her right. She didn't need more of his past in her nightmares. "After I got chipped, I was angry and depressed and I didn't know who I was anymore. I was forced to sit still and think for the first time in, fuck, probably decades!"

"Still not sure you can do it now," Buffy grumbled.

"Oi, you. You're the one wanted to hear this."

Buffy mimed zipping her mouth shut.

"There's always been heat between us," he said.

Buffy drew breath as if to speak. He touched one finger to her lips.

"We're having an unusually truthful conversation here, pet. Let's not spoil it with lies."

Buffy let the breath out as Spike slowly traced his finger along her bottom lip.

She suppressed the urge to grab onto it with her teeth, and suck it into her mouth.

He drew away from her, and captured one of her hands in his, rubbing it with his thumb in slow, lulling strokes.

"You have any idea how beautiful you are when you're angry?"

Buffy's eyes widened.

"So _powerful_. All glittering eyes and heaving chest. Almost as good as watching you fight."

Buffy glared at him, trying to pull away.

"Ah-ah," he said, holding tight to her hand with both of his. "I'm tellin' you why I love you."

"You're insane. You know that, right?"

He smiled. She'd stopped trying to take her hand back.

"Coming up with ways to brass you off kept me goin' through what I still reckon was the worst time of my life. Was the only thing I had to look forward to."

"The worst time of your life? _Seriously_?"

"I _fight_. 'S what I do, who I am. When I thought I couldn't? What else had I got to live for? Was a bit better when I knew I could kill demons. But …" A visible shiver went through him. "All of soddin' demon-kind was out to get me, so I could only go to all human joints if I wanted to come out conscious with all my teeth. But if I did that, dealin' with all the accidental bumps and shoves gave me a two-day migraine. It limited my social interaction some. I don't … function … well when I'm alone."

"Why were all the demons out to get you?" Buffy asked, puzzled.

"Most demons hate vamps anyway – half-breeds – but I was out killing 'em every night. Made me a traitor. Was hot gossip for a long time, so of course everyone an' his brother wanted to be the one to dust me. Finally killed or hurt enough of 'em they stopped coming. 'M a better fighter for it, but … let's just say my quiet drinks are quieter now than ever they used to be."

"So … falling in love with me was like Stockholm syndrome?"

He glared at her. "When you _were_ my soddin' jailor, I wanted to eat you, not shag you." He paused, considering. "Well, both, if I'm honest. But the eatin' was definitely the most important bit."

Buffy snatched her hand away from his, glaring.

"You are _gorgeous_ when you glare," he said reverently, winking.

"Be serious," she said. "You can't have just woken up one morning loving me."

"Thought you believed in love at first sight." His voice hardened. "Wasn't that the theme tune to the Buffy and Angel Show?"

He expected her to get even angrier, then – he'd mostly only said it to get a rise out of her.

Her quiet resignation was … discomfiting.

"I'm not sure that was ever real love."

Spike's mouth actually dropped open.

"Nice guppy face," she said drily.

Spike's mouth snapped shut.

"I remembered something on Friday. Something Angel did a couple years ago. He had the chance to be human – Mohra demon blood – and … the Oracles? … someone, anyway, told him he couldn't – " her resolve not to get emotional broke with her voice, "_protect_ me if he was human. So he took the day back. He said he did it because he finally realised how much he loved me." Buffy started clenching and unclenching her hands. "It was … that day was everything I'd ever wanted. A chance to be _normal_."

Buffy very carefully unclenched her hands, spreading them out on the table and staring at them. Her nails had almost all grown in now, and there were only faint traces left of healing cuts and bruises.

"I remember thinking, then, when he told me what he'd done, that maybe he was right, and that it was time for me to give up on a normal life. But he … he took that away. He took away my knowledge, my _choice_. And I came home desperate to get back that feeling of peace – of normalcy. Because I remembered how good that day felt, even though I didn't really remember the day itself."

Buffy took in a shuddering breath, and her voice got higher and breathier.

"I thought we were _it_. Soul mates. Forever. But every time he had a choice, he chose to leave. And so he wasn't here the night I …" A tear streaked down her cheek, but she didn't seem to notice it. "The night I died. So the reason he kept leaving – _to protect me_ – was meaningless. He came back for Mom's funeral. He knew all about Dawn, about Glory. But he _left_. Again."

She looked up at Spike, meeting his eyes for the first time since she'd started talking about Angel.

"I don't understand how I could give him my heart with both hands, risk anything and everything because I loved him that much, and he never understood that all I ever wanted or needed from him was to _be here_." She sounded lost, bereft. She let her fingertips slide forward until they were almost touching Spike's. "I think, now, that we never really _saw_ each other. He saw his salvation in that girl in LA, who needed a protector. I saw romantic forbidden love, a safe way to rebel against my duty." Her voice strengthened, deepened with the first hint of anger. "We had _one day_ of reality, and he couldn't take it."

Spike interlaced his fingers with hers.

"And you!" She laughed, brittle and fragile. "I paralyse you. I insult you. When you're chipped and helpless, I beat you up and threaten to kill you. I tell you you're beneath me, that you're incapable of love. And _then_, when I finally accept you _do_ love me, I don't acknowledge it or start treating you any better. Oh, no! I just use it to manipulate you. You should _hate_ me."

The tears started coming faster. "Why don't you hate me?"

Spike watched her for a few seconds, his hands tightening around hers. When she tugged one away to wipe at her eyes, he followed, tracing his thumb along her cheek.

He was amazed that she let him.

He brought her other hand to his face and brushed his lips over her knuckles. "Always respected your strength," he said quietly. "Not your physical strength – though that's impressive – but the way you never back down from a fight. Doesn' matter how hurt or tired or hopeless you are. It's like a bright an' shinin' core inside you. An' it's all connected with the people around you – it's _for them_ that you get up off the floor and keep goin'. _For love_. You'll make a deal with the devil, give up anything and everythin' to make them happy, keep them safe. You've got your Slayer superpowers, but it's your _love_ makes you powerful, makes you Heaven's Chosen One. It burns – _radiates_ from you like a sun. How could anyone not fall in love with that?"

She was crying even harder now.

"What's wrong, Love?" He moved around to her side of the table, her hands still in his.

The one thing she'd been _so sure of_ since she'd been back was that he loved her. But now? She wasn't capable of _connecting_, let alone loving. How would he feel when he realised that?

"D-don't call me that!" she said, trying to pull away from him. "I don't love you!"

"I know," he said softly, kissing her knuckles again, and stepping in closer to her.

"I – I'm not even sure if I _like_ you most of the time."

He smiled, nudging her knees apart so he was standing between them. "Know that too."

"What is _wrong_ with you?" she said, pulling her hands out of his. Somehow, they ended up resting on his chest.

"So long as you're alive?" he said, sliding his arms around her tightly and laying his cheek against her head. "Absolutely nothing."

She let him hold her for a lot longer than he'd expected.

But she still ran: straight out into the sunlight, where he couldn't follow.


End file.
